A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So my wife and I have been married for two years. We've been together for 6. We have two children 4 and 2 years old. We've been financially struggling for the last 2 years. When she first got pregnant we were fighting a lot and I left her for a year and a half. We got back together and had our second child and have been together so far. When we first started dating she was a little over affectionate, but now she is cold and distant. Since I don't make enough money to keep us aloft and we cant find a baby sitter that wont cost us her whole paycheck if she got a job , she started sex web cam job. This has been tearing me apart. Ive asked her to stop and she askes me "how are we going to get money?"Now she asked me if we could have an open relationship. She says she wont cheat unless I agree to it but I don't want to be in a relationship like that. I don't want to leave for the kids sake but i don't know how to resolve all of this or just leave . It would kill me to not see my kids ever day. any thoughts?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): You've got a potential time bomb on your hands there... The only way you'll know for sure if it's the "circumstances" or a deeper issue on her part, is to take the challenge of a lifetime: Be the best husband you can be and secondly the best father (they are very tied together and almost the same, but it IS in that order).
If you're saying you're drinking a lot, not helping around the house, etc you cannot make a good decision about WHY she is doing these things: be it money, desire for infidelity, or just signs of a stale marriage having going through difficult circumstances.
This is very hard advice, but it's the only one that works for sure. Focus on her needs and the kids needs and what you need to do to improve yourself (your words and actions). Except for a few things that take small amounts of time, leave your own pleasures behind for this period.
How long? It depends and only you will know for sure. But once you've done this for a long period of time (at least several months, if not 6 months or more) you will know.
If after this long period she isn't considerably more happy and if she isn't returning the favor (and focusing on your needs, trying to make you happy) OR if during this time she is still pushing for an open relationship -- call it quits.
This is the hardest advice ever, but it works better than most counseling IMO. It is however, contingent on your giving 100% for a very long time. Either your relationship will improve (or have strong hopeful signs), or it won't. If it's somewhere in-between and you're sure you gave 100% of yourself, it's a No. Either way, you have a solid understanding of what direction to take your relationship.
Do not stay in such a bad relationship like that, even for the kids.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never mentioned that she is still looking for a job that has an oppisite schedule to mine and has no success and my job is an hour away form where we live and will not let me leave early enough anyway. So we r in a hole! She only mentioned and open relationship as a suggestion cause she opened up and told me she was bored with our relationship. I cant blame her though I drink alot and she does like evrything for the kids.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 You should definately say No to her idea. It's a horrible one and trust me you can both find work, but one of you may have to work from 8 - 5 and one may have to work from 5 - 11 but it can work and you won't have to hire a baby sitter or sacrifice your marital bond. What she is suggesting is marital suicide. Please don't go along and if she does it behind your back, you have much bigger problems than money and leaving your kids with someone like that would be child abuse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthats what i said to her and she just blames it on money.I think she is ready to leave but feels guilty about what it will do to the kids. I show her a lot of attention and we have good sex somtimes. I hope we can work though it
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): So she automatically jumps to sex-work when she wants money?Clearly sex is high on her list of things.I'm sorry, I've nothing against the sex-workers on this planet who work within the bounds of the law (legal prostitutes, porn actors and such) but once you are in a relationship with someone, any sex you have that isn't with your partner is cheating. Plain and simple.Having permission to do so is completely irrelevant.Flynn 24
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