A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 18 years old, and have lately got engaged to a 16 year old. We have such high hopes for the future, and I love her to death, literally. Obviously, there are problems. I am trying to become a tennis player, and that obviously requires my full time attention. I live in UK, she lives in Poland, I was living in Poland for the last year, but I am now considering training in the UK. If i do that, she wants to come here, but i do not want her to. I have this strong gut feeling if she was to come here, it would not last between me and her. If she was in Poland away from me for 2 years, I am confident she would not cheat on me but that we would miss each other too much and it would drive me mad. I have this paranoia she will cheat on me, and I am scared I will not be able to financially support her in the future. I have this pride, that i MUST be able to support her financially in the future, also our family, touch wood. She loves me to death, literally. Does so much to me, and even restricts chatting to boys. Even that though, seems not enough for me and i hate myself for being so selfish. I want to sort it out. How do i stop thinking so lowly of her? That she will sleep with the first guy she sees? In my eyes, she is so sexy, and lots of guys come onto her. I am terrified of losing her, this is making me lose sleep, and feel ill. I do not know what to do regarding where to train or with her. I feel ill and need someone to help me dearly or at least give me a stern telling off. My questions are:How to make myself stronger, and trust her.How to treat her better. She deserves it.She has never shouted at me, everytime I have wanted to give up, she has been there for me. I want to treat her as she deserves but I dont want to lose her ever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): Ah youre so stuck in the middle of two dreams! Tis must be really hard for you. On one hand you can't jeopardise her life by letting her follow you around whilst you travel, but your own future will be ruined if you dint follow your dreams. I honestly don't really know what to say. She seems too good to be true! I think with the carreer that you're choosing it is very hard to be in a relationship. Speak to her, and it may work it may not. See where life takes you, but make sure you end up happy! Hope I helped,
Amy
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI quit school at 16 so I could aim for my tennis career. My whole family is kind of relying on me to be big in the top 50 in the world... out of thousands of players, so I really need to work hard. Saying that, the chances of that happening seem to be decreasing with every injury I get. I will still try, but it seems very far away.
I am at that stage of life, at 18 years, to decide... Carry on with tennis, risk a life of financial struggle and losing the girl of my life, or to quit tennis, and study for 9 months at a special college to ensure I can get into university, and try to get a good job, with my girl and be happy with her. Remember, that tennis career means I would be travelling week in, week out.
My fiancee is actually willing to not go to university, get a job and travel with me whenever she cn. She does this much for me, and still, I doubt her. I am scared at university, she would find someone else.
I think my problem at the moment is that I have so many options available to me and that the wrong one could be fatal and I will probably regret whichever choice I do not make. I am terrified.
You guys may say I should quit tennis, but its not easy for me, who has worked all his life for this. On top of that, my fiancee strongly wants me to be selfish, and go chase my tennis career. She is amazing
Still, I don't want to let her go out of my site, thats the truth. I physically cant, and that is so selfish and stupid of me, I know. But I can't help it, and sometimes I just have a pop at her for the stupidest reasons, ever. On top of that, she is actually willing to do this all for me.
But I am just scared, that in the future, she will fall for someone else, or just even meeting someone and having an one night stand. In her past, before she met me, I know she has done 1 or 2 bad things, some would say 'slutty' and she can be extremly sexy for a man if she wanted to, but she only does it for me, but I still am very scared of what she could potentially be in the future.
Is there any way I can stop this fear? Being with her is amazing and everything, I just wish I could enjoy it even more...
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): Yes, you can gain confidence by literally, talking to her more. The stronger the relationship is, the more confidence you will have with her. Following your dreams is such an amazing thing to do, and I had the same problem when I couldn't choose between going to France for a year after college to learn the language as I thought it would get me a better job, and staying here in the UK with my boyfriend as he didn't want me to go. But I think that she, from what you've said, will understand whatever you do, and be faithful. Maybe you could keep tennis as a hobby, join an advanced club or something, you might even get lucky and get scouted. But if it's just for fun, you could find yourself another career that you like just as much. Is there anything Lee that you are good at and would enjoy doing for a living?Amy
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (24 January 2011):
 you sound very stressed at the moment and when people are stressed a symptom of this is mistrust! yes you want to be with her - you have got her already, so just chill out. you are trying too hard, you know that don't you? and you are putting lots of pressure on yourself to succeed in all areas of your life.
would you agree that you have negative thoughts? get into the habit of always neutralising these by using positive thinking and by this i mean, every time you have a negative thought, take a minute to look further and put a positive spin on it.
keep a journal. see it your thoughts have any pattern to them ie: do your jealous feelings occur during particular situations or after spending time with or speaking to certain people?
lack of confidence is a BIG area, you will need to take some time out to really study exactly what aspects of your self you have the lack of confidence with. like the old proverb 'how can you eat an elephant?' answer: in small pieces!
you can sort this you know, it just takes a bit of concentration to get insight into your feelings
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): You need to decide which is more important, your sport or your girlfriend. Are you thinking about spending the rst of your life with this woman? If not, quitting with your training or not going as far as you might have wanted to may jeopardise your career, and if the relationship ends you will be annoyed that you let her get in th way of living your life. On the other hand, if you feel like this girl is the one, then you should really stay with her and work your sport around her if she's that important. You can make her feel better by telling her you trust her, and this will also make you trust her more, believe it or not. If she knows that you have faith in her she is less likely to cheat, as she will feel more guilty about doing so. Build your faith in her by asking h to call you before she goes out to a club, party etc, then she can tellvyou that she loves you and vice versa, then the feelings will get stronger between the two of you and if you're in love truly, you won't want to cheat anyway!
Best wishes.
Hope you work it out!
Amy
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your quick reply. Yes, you are right. Tennis makes me feel that way. I am actually having a dreadful time at the moment, because I was injured last for 3 months with a broken heel, and got back into training, to find myself injured, 3 weeks later, for 1 year. I am now getting surgery on my shoulder in a week, and have been thinking about giving up tennis, and trying to go to university, with her.
In reply to your answer, is there any way to gain confidence? I feel so lost, and just need a hand at the moment. I am from quite a poor background and feel like I am letting my family down, my fiancee down, and I generally feel horrible. One thing I want to do in life is keep her. I have said to her so many times I want to quit tennis, but she will not let me, which I thank her for. She knows I should not.
I just want to tell her I am sorry for being like this, but always end up doing it again. I just want to be with her!
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (24 January 2011):
hi
usually unfounded jealousy is caused by lack of confidence in yourself. you have this belief that really you are not good enough to have someone be faithful to you. you need to brush up on your self esteem and start to see that she is with you, she is in love with you and she has never given you any true reason to believe she will cheat.
just a thought but when you mentioned that you are training to be a tennis player, this is a very competitive line of work, do you think that that fear that your won't succeed; be good enough is spilling over into your other life areas too, in this case your love life?
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