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male
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anonymous
writes: Hello!My and my girlfriend have been together for about a year. We're very close and share everything. This, i have discovered, is a very bad idea. She has recently told me about the time (when she was 17, we are now both mid 20s) when she cheated on her long-term boyfriend with another guy. I pressed a little further (why do i do this to myself!?) and she told how she would have sex with both of them within a few hours of each other. She says she feels bad about it, and i think she does. But i also think part of her is a little bit proud of it in a weird way. I'm certainly not about to beat her up over something that happened years ago but it has been on my mind ever since she mentioned it.But whereas she has had a few years to come to terms with what she's done, this is all new to me and i have the predictable fears: will she do this to me? has she changed?what should i do? how can i trust her? please help! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2006): hi there! original poster here. just wanted to say thank you for the advice. i will try to put the past behind me and hope she sees how nice i am and doesnt do the same to me! thanks!!
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female
reader, camille  +, writes (15 June 2006):
 Of course it's going to bother you, that's only natural. But maybe she told you because of her own guilt. By off loading it to you has probably made her feel honest and good but left you with mixed feelings. The fact she told you is probably a big brave thing for her to do, so I'd admire her strength. She has opened something for you and sadly there's nothing she can do now, it's all over to you. Try to accept it's in her past and if she were the kind of woman to do it again, why risk telling you? You say " I'm certainly not about to beat her up over something that happened years ago", but it sounds like you may do that unintentionally beacuse of the issues that have come up for you. Feel free to talk to her, but tread carefully. I have been in this situation and felt I was being punished constantly for something I did to someone else by the person I told. They decided to perpetuate the subject and my already hefty guilt just kept on and magnified. The realtionship eventually ended, no doubt helped along by this issue.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (15 June 2006):
 Well, bear in mind that she was only 17 at the time, that dating and sex were still a very new experience, and she probably wasn't very discriminating back then. Think back on your own experience too: at 17, if you could have had sex with two girls who wanted you equally, would you have? (Be honest!)
So, she was doing what felt natural for her age and experience. Now, some years have past and -- we hope! -- she's grown up in her outlook and emotional maturity, and wouldn't do this to you.
Look at the history you've had together over the last year. Are there any signs that she's been sneaking around on the side while you two have been together? Unexplained absences, lame-o excuses, "secret" texting sessions... that sort of thing?
If not, then try to put this to the back of your mind, filed under "History". Accept that each adult, by the time we get to our 20s, has a few skeletons in our respective closets. As to her skewed 'pride' over it, it could just be that she was flattered that she was attractive to two men at the same time. Again, in a similar position (and age), wouldn't you have been?
What's important at this stage is her recent behaviour and history, not Ancient History.
File it. Forget it.
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reader, tux  +, writes (15 June 2006):
 What's in the past is in the past though that does not mean history cannot repeat itself. It may not repeat itself. It's best to figure out if you can handle this new found truth. I'm not necessarily a believer in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mentality unless it creates a pattern of reoccuring.. One instance will not create a habitual cheater. But it is hard to trust someone that has broke another's trust in the past. Perhaps you need a longer discussion with her about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2006): Well at first its natural to feel this way! she cheated on her long term boyfriend with another person but thats in the past you have to continue to look at the future give her a chance, sit down and talk to her have a one-to-one conversation if she stresses out or starts worrying and over-reacts you know shes not steady for a committed relationship but you have her now and if shes proud of cheating and breaking hearts she shoudn't deserve somebody like you!
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