A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I got in a relation with one of my employees.Now as if that's not enough risk already.She also moved in with me 2 days after we got into the relationship. She told me, I am in this for the long run and I don't want to get into the relation if its not that serious.Ok that's all great. She just separated from her husband and was living at her "aunts" house a few months by now. Where I picked her up a lot. Now the main issue is her best friend. He treats her as his girlfriend and vice versa. They always chat with eachother and he comes pick her up at my house etc.I asked her about it and she told me he's like a brother to her. Ok I understood that. But was still kinda weary because I know she used to say she wants to marry him jokingly in my office to her coworkers... Now this happened. It was a normal day in the office except for my girlfriend and 2 other girls making a lot of noise and laughing a lot the whole time. This annoyed me because I asked her the day before to be more serious in the office already. Now, this is where it escalated. I heared a lot of giggling about sex and the name of her best friend! She was talking with 2 coworkers about sex including her and her best guy friend!! And having a looot of fun doing so for hours... I felt this very painfull already. And as if that wasn't enough...I could hear about half of what they were saying. They were speaking in spanish and my spanish is good but not fluent, and I understood something terrible. One of the coworkers said, if you don't do it with him I will f*** your thingy for you!! As a funny threat. (What she really said was "if you don't shut up I will sow your thingy closed") Nowww even though I might have mis understood. The fact she was clearly talking sex incl her best guy friend in my office was so hurtful and inconsiderate to me... That I had to talk to her. Just the misunderstanding caused me to be pretty angry. So this is what she said... Nooo I am just chatting in a group chat with emilio (her guy friend) and the 2 coworkers. And the 2 coworkers are talking about their sexual experiences! Sooo I told her... And you don't think that's inconsiderate? Also if you sex chat with another guy in front of me in my office... Its almost as if I am included in the chat. So can I see the chat?She didn't want to show me the chat!! By this time I was already incredibly hurt, and felt she was lying to me too. Now I asked the other girl to come join the conversation... And she didn't want to show the chat because she was ashamed... Well she has no shame for me normally so that's weird. And by that time I felt I was being fooled and I got even more angry.They didn't apologize and in stead they started justifying that this behavior is very normal here in ecuador. I'm not from here so I didn't understand.Than when I told them, so if I do the same, it wouldn't be bad. Buttt that would be bad in their eyes... By this time I got furious!They were clearly using double standards and refused to admit any wrongdoing. In the end my girlfriend apologized we looked at the recordings and heard that I misunderstood the part where she was being forced into having sex with her guy friend by one of the coworkers. So it wasn't that bad for me anymore and I apologized for over reacting We went home, but in the car she started being angry at me for misunderstanding!! This really got me angry again since she was turning the table on me... Again. She was the one being inconsiderate after all... And I was having serious trouble accepting she can talk sex with her best guy friend..and it not meaning anything. But even trying to adjust myself. She should be happy! Nowww the next morning I got over it kind of... Till her best guy friend, send her a message in the morning addressing to her as "wife"! In the exact moment she was showing me something on her cell phone I asked her about it and now again I was very angry and hurt. Because this was too much... She told me its because they are like brothers and it doesn't mean anything... I never see what they chat about. So by seeing that "wife" by chance. Made me feel like I was not knowing a lot more. Nowww ok. I have to adjust I thought. Sooo I tried explaining her I will adjust but its not that easy. Only for her to get angry with me for trying to explain her this is hard for me.. where I'm from that's not normal. But I will adjust... She just didn't get it. She kept on getting angry at any attempt I try to get her to understand its not easy but I will try.She felt I was telling her its not normal... The whole time. In stead of understanding what I was really saying, its hard to adjust please be considerate as I get used to it.Now... The next day she went sleep with her aunt. And told me she needed some time. Because I broke her heart by not trusting her and getting so angry. Her heart needed some time away from everything to recover.One day later she wanted me to pick her up at her best guy friends house... And guess what. It was her aunts house!!! She wasn't living with her aunt, she was living with her best guy friend before and lied to meNow I just want her back so I didn't ask her about that yet. But my question is... Was she being inconsiderate? Was she mentally abusive by chatting with her best guy friend of sex right in front of me in my office? And her relation with her best guy friend... Is that normal?I'm starting to doubt myself now... Many friends told me, its not normal here. Which her answer is. Its normal with him because of our close friendship we have so much trust I can talk sex with him, and he calls me wife. But its just for fun. It doesn't mean anything.Worst thing is. I feel I'm loosing her over this. And she won't admit her inconsiderate behavior caused this! So I'm the one completely wrong according to her.... I would love to hear your opinions.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): Thanks for your response. Well its only been 3 months. She's not related. And I've never met her aunt, or her best guy ffriend. I really don't think she's with me because of me being her boss. But I do think she might have been looking for stability after her divorce. Because I haven't seen her best guy friend I can't judge by body language unfortunately either.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (26 June 2013):
No, it's not any more normal there than anywhere else. In fact it may be less so. The challenge with dating someone from there is that they will take advantage of you if you let them. I have a friend from there and she was saying that the women will try and get away with as much as you let them. My wife is Guatemalan and it's the same thing there, too. I'm stereotyping, but in general I think it's true.
If I was you I'd put your foot down. If you don't do it now she'll walk all over you. Tell her exactly what you won't tolerate and tell her you're not going to bend on this. If she wants to leave there's the door!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): How long have you an your girlfriend been seeing one another? The length of your relationship is important to know because it will affect the advice I can give you.Is it possible that her best guy friend is a cousin or related to her by marriage? Have you ever met her aunt? Have you tried talking to her best guy friend when he picks her up from your place? Have you ever been affectionate towards her in front of him?It seems like she is interested in you because you are her employer. Maybe you have more money an can provide her with nicer things than other men. Maybe you have power at your place of employment an she doesn't have to work as hard or even work much at all for her paycheck now.What do you feel is going on? Even if Spanish is a second language for you, look at their body language. What does their body language when they are together tell you?
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