A
male
age
41-50,
*onfidentlyUnsure
writes:Hi all...I just took a girl on a date recently. We had exchanged numbers and we had previously gotten to know more about each other before via text message, so we had common ground and things to talk about. I don’t claim to be the best looking guy but I know I have a certain amount of charisma and that we wouldn’t be stuck for conversation.The date itself seemed to go well. We started with a hug that progressed through the evening from a light kiss actually being concerned that we might get tossed out of the restaurant for being overly affectionate. Before we left she suggested we go back to my house to watch a dvd. I have no doubt that we would not have watched a dvd. My problem there was that I had been working late all week and had no time to clean the place, even though it wasn’t that bad, I just didn’t want that to be her first impression oof my home. So I politely declined and suggested we go back to hers…she thought about it but decided against as she still lives with her ex. Outside the restaurant we kissed some more then went to a bar where her male friend was playing some music. She said she wanted to talk to him because she might move into the house he lives in with some other friends because she needs to get out of the house she currently lives in because her ex and he’s making her life hell.We had a few drinks while her friend played in the bar and we kissed some more, the night was winding down and I told her to go talk her friend. She asked me to come join them but I can’t bring much to a conversation that is about her moving out from her current ex to live with this guy…(whom I believe she has no romantic feelings for).She then suggested possibly going to the cinema but also that we should take things slowly because she’s been hurt before. I said ok but I am not that guy and I’d like her not to judge me based on the actions of someone else, even so we continued to kiss...therein lays my confusion…Back to yours/mine…Cinema yet slowly? I have since contacted her and she said she is busy all week with work and studying. So I guess the question is what do I do now? I’ve been a 5 year relationship in the past and a 4 year relationship but I suppose I’m out of practice. I know the sensible answer is just to play it cool and wait, go at her pace, don’t appear clingy/needy/desperate. This is what I would tell someone that was explaining this to me…but I have so much in common with this girl and it would be a shame to lose her. We’ve basically gone from maybe 30 or 40 messages a day to maybe 2 or 3 since the date?I feel kind of desperate actually posting this and fear she’ll somehow see it, which is strange fro me. I am fiercely independent, I have no real fear of anything, I am innovative and competent, and can solve most problems that come my way. I used to do some fighting years ago and when I would come into the arena I would be nervous, almost a fear, but I craved it, I loved it and I fed off of it. I can honestly say I am nervous, I am confused and I am afraid…and I do not like it. In fact I hate it.Any help would be appreciated, thanks to anyone that takes the time to respond. I actually think she might have been slightly annoyed that I didn’t take her back to my place, though I have no reason other than paranoia to think so. Please help me people of the internet before I screw this up, if I haven’t done so already.
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (9 January 2013):
 "They apparently only broke up about 6 weeks ago so I could understand her not wanting to rush into another relationship."
BIG RED FLAG! 6 weeks? The Ex is still there in the background. This is a no win for you and you're setting yourself up for a big fall.
Plus she wanted to go to your place then turns round and says she wants to take it slow. She's a user.
"I'm an old romantic and believe she may be worth the initial trouble but perhaps my traditional values don't jive with what people want or expect from a date anymore? That's why I come to you people and your advice...perhaps my expectations are outdated."
I'm a gentleman and would never spend the first date making out and I wouldn't even think about taking her back to my place or hers. I don't even know her. You've been in touch for 2 weeks? She split up with her live-in boyfriend 6 weeks ago?
She's after attention and you're the poor sap that'll give it to her only to end up crushed when she got what she wanted and moves on. Rebound mean anything?
You're right. Do absolutely nothing. Get out there and date more women and take it slow buddy. Why waste your time with this looney when you can find a good woman?
Good luck!
A
male
reader, ConfidentlyUnsure +, writes (8 January 2013):
ConfidentlyUnsure is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone that has responded so far!@GabbieD...You seem like a nice honest person and yes I guess I am looking for something more permanent. I do know she has lots of work on and studying but I did think she could spare a few hours. The decrease in texts is like we're suddenly growing apart and the foundation that we had built is crumbling. I think that if I was so honest with her that it would scare her away.@anon_e_mouse...I know she's her ex only by what she tells me. They apparently only broke up about 6 weeks ago so I could understand her not wanting to rush into another relationship.She's planning on moving in with these people or her female friend, she just wants out of her current residence as fast as possible. She comes from a small town far from the city so I don't think she has many other options. Hugging and kissing then take it slow...you see my confusion though and I do think it was a bit much to happen on a first date.I'm an old romantic and believe she may be worth the initial trouble but perhaps my traditional values don't jive with what people want or expect from a date anymore? That's why I come to you people and your advice...perhaps my expectations are outdated.I think you're right though in that I do nothing now. I can't ask her again. It's up to her now.@CMMP...I like the "Ask her if she would like to go out; if she says she can't, tell her that it'd be easier if she contacted you when she can". If I have any future contact with her again, I think this would be about it. It makes no progress but again politely puts the emphasis on her.Thanks to everyone that posted a response. I think the general opinion is that she's a little crazy and that I maybe filled a gap. Does the the fact she's only out of a relationship add weight to her wanting to take things slow or did I in fact just fill a gap for a little while until the next person comes along?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): No, no, don't tell her you are afraid to loose her, that would be a huge turn off for me.I agree with male poster, she sounds like a nut case. First of all her living situation, why is she a grown woman still living with her ex? Then this kissing all night, then she wants to go to your place. She doesn't know what that means when 2 people on a first date going to ones apartment? What is she, 12?. Then she wants to take things slow, it's too many not logical things she does, nut case in short.Also, did you explain to her why you don't want to go to your place, and why didn't you clean up, you should clean up your place, in case you meet a nut like her, that would want to go to your place on a first date.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (8 January 2013):
I disagree, I don't think you've said enough to indicate she's crazy.
What I'd do if I was you is that remember people have all sorts of issues and things going on that we can't all relate to. In other words don't worry about what you did, it wasn't you. Maybe she's busy. Maybe she just wanted sex. Who knows.
There is no reason for you to be contacting her more than a minimum. Ask her if she would like to go out; if she says she can't, tell her that it'd be easier if she contacted you when she can. Wait... If she doesn't contact you then move on. If she does congrats!
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (8 January 2013):
 Hi
Couldn't have put it better than anon e mous - theres nothing there for you, plenty more fish in the sea too....
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (8 January 2013):
"I politely declined and suggested we go back to hers…she thought about it but decided against as she still lives with her ex."
Is he her EX? Or is she looking for a way out? Have you ever called her at home? If he's her EX then how come they are living together?
Let me get this straight, hugging, kissing, more kissing, wanna go back to yours, mine, can go to cinema but she's been hurt before so can you go slowly? Meanwhile she's still living with her ex and has no other friends/family she can move in with but some musician guy?
That's all a bit heavy for a first date! Didn't you wonder what was going on here? She sounds desperate. She's a WACKO! You really want to be with this person? Can you imagine what it would be like?
"I have since contacted her and she said she is busy all week with work and studying. So I guess the question is what do I do now?"
I'll tell you what you do now. NOTHING. You walk away and never contact her again. She is not interested. All of a sudden she is busy all week and can't spend a couple of hours with you? What about next week? How about at the weekend?
I think you know the answer. YOU'RE OUT. Sorry to be blunt but you should see that as a GOOD THING.
"I know the sensible answer is just to play it cool and wait, go at her pace, don’t appear clingy/needy/desperate. This is what I would tell someone that was explaining this to me…"
What exactly is her pace? Fast, very fast, then all of a sudden slow? You would give people this advice? My advice would be GET OUT OF THERE!
"I have so much in common with this girl and it would be a shame to lose her."
Are you nuts too?
"We’ve basically gone from maybe 30 or 40 messages a day to maybe 2 or 3 since the date"
Take the hint. She's not interested anymore. You filled a gap for a while. That's it. Be glad.
There are so many red flags here I cannot believe you are interested in pursuing a relationship with his woman?
Do yourself a favour and forget about this one. Get out there and find a girl who has some integrity, loyalty, and is trustworthy. Not some mad, up and down like a yo-yo, off and on, fast then slow girl.
You must've been dropped on your noggin when you were a nipper!
What makes me laugh the most is you're saying "please help me people of the internet before I screw this up, if I haven’t done so already".
You haven't screwed anything up. SHE IS SCREWED UP.
GET IT?
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A
female
reader, GabbieD +, writes (8 January 2013):
Do take my answer with a grain of salt because I generally disagree with most dating advices. Have you tried explaining to her what you just wrote here now? I'm fairly open so I might appreciate your honesty, if I were you; I'd at least feel obligated to return the gesture. She really might be busy (there are times when I'm so busy I just can't return calls or text messages) or she might have been totally turned off by your appearance. What I'd do if I were you is probably explain to her that I really like her, I think we really click together, and that I am really afraid to lose her and I'm worried about the sudden decrease of texts. If this girl takes your honesty and treats it like dirt, then I honestly don't think she's worth your time. You're clearly not looking for a fling but something more permanent. Don't demand answers, but just explain your situation. If she's at least your friend, she'd be honest with you.
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