A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My best friend and I are both 26 (I'm male, she's female). We have been best friends for 12 years and I see her maybe 3 or 4 times a week. I'll pick her up from work, we go shopping together, basically we appear like we are a couple but have always denied this saying it is just a platonic friendship. In the past, she slept around (maybe 15 men) and did other things such as experimenting with drugs, smoking, and I recently found out she went through a spell of self harm a couple of years ago as she has scars on her arms. I feel guilty I did not realise at the time but she covered it up very well. Basically she is a very unhappy person. Six months ago we had a long chat, completely unplanned and she started crying and everything was revealed...she hates herself, had slept around in a bid to feel wanted and loved, basically went through so many phases just trying to find "something" to make her feel better. (She has a bad home and family life). She kept all this very well hidden for years but I guess in the end it just had to spill out. She went to the doctors and is on prozac now but is suffering from depression. This isn't the question, this is just the background. Basically I told her she wasn't ugly and I wanted us to become boyfriend/girlfriend as I have always liked her. I waited for her to joke it off and she didn't. She said she wasn't able to have a relationship at the moment as she needs to concentrate on herself and getting well but she said I was the most special person in her life and she loves me very much but how on earth could I really like her?? She thought I was just being kind to her. Well since then I have acted a little more physical towards her, when walking I just grabbed her hand and we walked hand in hand. I have been walking and just put my arm round her. I have hugged her and leaned over in the car and kissed her head completely out of the blue and similar things and basically she has just let me do all this without any questioning, hesitation or anything, it all seems fine and comfortable. But an issue is that she doesn't believe that someone could love her. All the men have just had sex and gone and treated her as a nobody. She says she has the body that no one wants, she says she hasn't got any feelings left, she's gross, if I fancy her I'm either lying or I'm weird...so you can see what I'm up against. She has lost virtually all form of social life. When I kissed her on the head, it was completely random, we were just talking and I leaned over and kissed her. I have spoken to other friends who said if a boy did that they would say "what you doing, what's going on?!". Anyway question is it's getting to the stage now where I am banging my head against a brick wall trying to show her I am genuine and she is beautiful to me. And I wondered if I stepped the physical side of it up a notch and just went for it and kissed her properly, what would she do? Knowing her as I do personally I think even if she didn't respond, it would be ok and would not create an atmosphere because we are "that close". But maybe a shock tactic might be beneficial. So should I go for it?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): well what you got to know is that she is depressed, which is a very hard thing to get through, basically it changers everything in your life, it even ruins it.
you sound like a very good guy no doubed, but what ever your planning on doing is not going to help her, yes be there for her and continusly show her that you are there for her.
depressed people dont see the changers in them, which other people will, even when they do things like drugs, something in there head tells them that it is ok, simply its the only way to ease the pain.
hopefully the doctor gives her medication and will help her through this, if she does get thorugh it then you can start something new with her, but for now give her confidence and dont expect her to now what your going for her coz more likly she wont coz thats what depression does it takes you over and rules you, just go with the flow.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): First of all you sound like an absolute sweetheart, and a very genuine, caring guy. I really hope that you can get things to work with this girl, because you seem like just the kind of stable, loving force she needs in her life, and I think if she can get past her initial self-loathing, the two of you might just be perfect for each other.
However, doing this is not going to be easy. It sounds to me as though she has quite serious depression and self-esteem problems. If I were you, rather than trying to race the relationship forward, I'd try to race the cure for those issues forward. By all means keep telling her how beautiful she is, how wonderful, and how special... but don't rush into anything serious. Suddenly leaping on her and kissing her passionately might scare her, throw her off, or make her feel destabilized. Right now she needs people she can trust around her. Gentle but constant reassurance, and soft, small romantic gestures are likely to be more successful!
Also, trust me when I say that starting a relationship with someone with such serious problems is not easy, and even with boundless and saintly patience (which you seem to possess), it will be a struggle. You sound like someone with very special qualities who might just be able to handle the pressure, but believe me when I say that you do NOT want to make this more difficult for yourself than it needs to be. Above all, please, for goodness sake, don't see yourself as the solution to her life's problems. That's too much pressure for anyone to take - not to mention deeply unrealistic. You can't wave a magic wand and make everything alright for her.
What you need to do is to take a hard-headed, practical approach to this problem. If this girl was wandering around with a broken leg, you wouldn't assume that a bit of TLC and a few romantic dinners would sort it out - you'd get her to a doctor. The same is true of mental illness like depression. Clinically, the most effective way of tackling such issues is a combination of drugs (anti-depressants) and counselling. Make sure she keeps seeing a doctor. But also get her to a counsellor (and this may mean helping her with some outrageously heavy bills). And be prepared for a lot of crying, a lot of listening, and a long old fight against those voices in her head that are telling her how ugly and worthless she is.
If you can get her through this, no bigger gesture could possibly prove your love and care. She's a lucky girl to have someone like you looking out for her.
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A
female
reader, ravencake  +, writes (12 April 2010):
 The most important thing to remember is that if you do anything different or to extreme it may scare her away. Stay close to her, always be there, she will come out of it and when she does, be there for her.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 April 2010):
 I had depression when I was 16. All I wanted was for my family members to validate what I was feeling. If you did something of a shock value, that would do nothing. It would just make her feel that you want to proof her wrong and nothing else. Now it's not a time to reason with her, romantic with her. I got better within one year of taking zoloft and I made the decision to stop the medicine and the visits to the psychiatrist. Depression is something she has to grow out of herself. Be patient and have faith she will be better.
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A
female
reader, SeXylOvE12 +, writes (12 April 2010):
 I think that you should kiss her properly, but don't go for more than that. If you do she'll just relate you to those other men that she slept around with.
I know what it's like to be in her situation and my boyfriend at the time wrote me a list of all the reasons why he loved me, physically, and personality wise. It was the best gift i have ever received. I think if you take the time to do that and show her the reasons why you think she's amazing i think she would respond well. Having a hard copy for her to look at and go back to as a reminder would be really helpful. Try it! (and be cute about it)
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