A
male
age
51-59,
*71
writes:I have been very suspicious of my girlfriends new "gay" friend recently and did something I know I shouldnt do: I accessed her email and found that she had sent a bunch of photos with the message "Hello, as promised the photos. Big kisses, I love you".I am trembling with anger right now and need to know how best to respond.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (16 July 2008):
 Hey sweet,
As said, it really depends on the pictures. If she's nekkid, be upset. If they're just pictures, let this go. Spend some time around the guy. You can feel out the situation... seriously, if you make the effort to get to know the fella, you will DEFINITELY know whether to be doubtful of him or not.
As for her actual message to him, sweetness, I have a lot of gay friends and with a few of them I talk to them as if they're my girlfriends. "Kisses, love you!!" It's not because I have secret crushes on them and am trying to flirt, it is because I am completely comfortable because of the "non-threat" man situation.
So - hang out with the guy (you might even think he's a cool guy and understand why she adores her new friend), feel out if you think his sexual orientation checks out. She may just be really chumming up to her new best friend.
Unless she's nekkid in the pictures. Then that's a different story.
xx India
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): I presume this is a gay girl friend?
If you had a gay male friend (or discovered that a friend you already had was gay ) would you expect her to presume that you were having sex?
Most girls tell their friends that they love them. It does not mean they want to have sex with them. It is not impossible that she is exploring her feelings about her sexuality and let’s face it, girls trying out being gay is quite a trend at the moment. I think it is quite encouraged by the media and is promoted by men themselves as a big fantasy. All of which may tempt some girls to find out for themselves if it is so great!
However, to me betrayal is betrayal and I would be worried too.
I think it is difficult for girls to have very close platonic relationships with boys who are not their boyfriend unless the other boy is as much a friend to both. Once there is exclusion it starts to feel like betrayal. This is what you feel now, because (presuming the girl is gay) there is a possible attraction and any emotional intimacies feel threatening because of the sexuality of the friend.
I think the answer is not to be angry, but to talk it through. What she says will guide you and if there are any lies (which there could be, but is it likely?) you will become the wiser. If she does not value your relationship enough to be faithful, then she is not worthy of you. Presuming you are faithful to her?
Why not just say how important faithfulness is to you and expand to say you would find being with another women just as upsetting. If she asks you why you are saying these things just come clean. Tell her this friendship with the other girl has made you feel it is important to be clear. Get agreement from her that she wants you to be faithful to her too. Set the deal straight. If she expects you to be faithful, you can agree to expect it of each other.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (16 July 2008):
 well you were very wrong to have accessed her email - breach of trust and privacy. has she ever given you reason not to trust her? have you met the gay friend? unless these photos were of her naked or something similar i would stop being so paranoid. she treats this guy as if he was one of her girlfriends so the message is normal. wat were the photos of? i think that you should seriously think about why you felt the need to spy on her emails and snoop around behind her back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): Why have you been suspicious of the "gay"griend? What caused those suspicions for you to even check her mail?
I suggest you try and stay calm; Take a few deep breaths; I know it is difficult; but try;
I don't think you should confront her as yet; unless the pictures were nude or of a sexual nature; which I pressume they are not;
I think you must first establish if there is enough reason for being suspicious and if you have reason to think there is something more then an innocent friendship;
If you have proof or reason that it is more then an innocent friendhip; only then will I rock the boat and talk to her about all the things; not just the pictures;
Almost like preparing a case for Court; I suggest you wait and prepare your "CASE: rahter then to rush in and then the case gets dismissed as it was not prepared properly.Then you look like a fool.
I think a little PATIENCE is your keyword here; collecting facts;ensuring that it is not just a little insecurity or jealousy from your side;
Best wishes and lots of SMILES
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (16 July 2008):
 I go with the consensus; it really depends on what kind of photos they were, if they were naked you are entitled to your anger and should confront her but if not then I think you are in danger of overreacting. The fact is that in my experience there is nothing wrong with a female telling even their male friends that the love them because they do in a friendship way. Men to my mind don't say that as much if at all to friends of either sex and it is purely and simply a cultural difference in how the genders express themselves. I think it freaks men out because we rarely say it other than in a romantic and monogamous sense.
I am thinking that this could be totally innocent along those lines. What reason/s do you have for thinking he isn't gay?? Unless you have serious reasons you are in danger of being a bit paranoid. What reasons do you have to be suspicious??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): have you met the gay friend? i mean do u nkow for sure that he is gay?
if he is definetly gay then i would try and forget about it.. other wise it might be best to confront her.
Although you must have suspected something in the first place, since u checked her email
Hope all goes well :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): Hi
First of all be calm,and think! are the photos of a sexual nature? have you seen them?and does your girl say i love you to most friends, because some do with total innocence?
So if you want to know the truth you could ask her outright and if it is innocent you will get into bother for checking up on her.
Or If you really feel that you are right on this one,there is a good chance she will lie and you will never know, she probably will cover her tracks i would stay very quite say absolutely nothing and check in more depth about the photos.
Don't let your imagination run away with you or anger, this will get you absolutly no where, get the facts, use your head ,stay smart,and be very calm and hopefully you will find out that the photos are nothing at all or the i love you. Good luck!
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