A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met the most wonderful girl on a dating site - intelligent, articulate, humble, kind - and we've been communicating online for more than two months now.We bonded together over a series of uncanny coincidences and shared interests. We also share the same expectations for a relationship and similar principles in life. In the past two months, we've become really close: deep conversations past midnight, sharing dreams and fantasies, watching movies together... All along, she's been gushing about how much she appreciates me and admires me. She went as far as saying she feels like she's known me forever (aww) and describing me as a "modern day prince charming" (triple aww). I think I must have said similar things as well. She even left the dating site, allegedly because she had found me. She was also frequently online, often initiating conversations with me, and keeping them going. She would tell me about her day without me having to ask.However, in the past week, she's become distant. The other day, she even appeared to be friendzoning me, by saying something along the lines of "I like how we can spend days without talking to each other and then pick up right where we left off" and asking me if I felt the same way. I said no, of course! I assumed maybe she was just trying to keep her distance out of insecurity (she does that). I told her I missed the way it used to be, and she acknowledged that things were better before, but she just doesn't know what to do about it. I've since tried taking a more active role in our conversations, but I just can't get her out of her shell anymore and I'm starting to lose hope.Things would probably be much easier to figure out in real life, but we currently live in different countries and a meetup up would have to wait until summer. Still, we've both said we'd be willing to have a long distance relationship, so I don't think she's placing boundaries just because of distance. There are other factors that could have been dealbreakers (for example, I'm six years older) but we already went through those, and we agreed it would be next to impossible to find anyone more compatible (especially because we're both asexual, and not many people are).Did she really lose all the interest she seemed to have in me for no apparent reason, or is it just temporary?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): "watching movies together.." that suggests that have actually met this person?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 April 2013):
 Yes, why would the gender matter, if you are asexual? You didn't mention that in the original question. It adds a complication, of course, but may explain why you aren't out looking for romantic partners in real life.
I found some resources for you: http://www.asexuality.org/home/ http://www.apositive.org http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Asexual_Sites (you'll have to copy/paste that entire link as the ? interrupts the link) http://web.archive.org/web/20060112235108/http://www.theofficialasexualsociety.com/
I assume the dating site you met on included the option to categorize yourself as asexual, so if there are other asexuals looking for romantic partners, presumably they'd find you there.
I would go to the online forums where other asexuals would also find companionship and like-minded peers.
Are you looking for an online companion or one that will share actual time and space with you in real life?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 April 2013):
 OP, at the risk of overstepping my bounds and becoming the next person to offend you, I am wondering if you are truly asexual. Where did the diagnosis come from? Since according to my research around 1.5% of the population is truly asexual, I’m just wondering if that’s something that truly is the issue for you or if it’s a shield for something else.
The reason I ask is that as an asexual person you would not experience sexual attraction so why would the gender of the person you are with matter?
I found this website which just confuses me more…
http://www.asexuality.org/home/general.html
A gap of 20 and 26 is really not that big a difference to be honest… at that point with the male being older, to me it becomes a bit of an excuse.
As for dying alone of old age.. you have probably another 60 years or so to meet someone. My husband did not marry till age 39 for the first time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@So_Very_Confused: At least let me thank you for NOT assuming that I'm completely clueless about life and interacting with people online/offline. :)
I'm actually 26 to her 20. Still applies, though, I do feel that gap. She's not ignorant or naive, mind you, but she's used to a different, more dynamic kind of life, so that may be it. She's not terribly busy with school or friends, it really seems like she's bored but doesn't want to say it. Thanks for the honesty.
To other answerers: if anyone knows how I might find another highly compatible asexual girl in real life, before I die of old age, feel free to share. ;)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 April 2013):
Here is my take on this…
ALL NEGATIVES:
You live in different countries. You don’t say which one she’s in but if it’s not Canada or Mexico I’m not holding out ANY hope and even if she lived in the USA I’m not giving much hope here….
You are AT BEST 25 to her 19 and AT WORST 22 to her 16. While 6 years is not a huge gap at say 26 female and 32 male… at 19 and 25 it’s a bit of a distance.
You have known each other ONLINE ONLY for about 2 months
In the past week (right before a school holiday so perhaps at 16 she had papers due or something in school) or perhaps she’s 16 and it’s no longer fun and games to lead you on. Or she’s bored.
Or she’s not really asexual at 16/19 and is starting to realize this and is not sure how to tell you.
So you’ve known her two months
She’s 6 years younger than you
She lives in a totally different country and she’s backing off.
Is she bored? Was she playing you?
Maybe.
Do you two skype video chat?
I don’t hold out much hope for that summer meeting OP… I’d let it go and keep looking.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (1 April 2013):
 Ok well good luck but I genuinely think you would have more fun with a real person than an online 'person' but maybe you know something I don't!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): You pointed out a six-year difference in age. That would place her in the age-bracket of around 16 to 17 years old. You also live a distance apart. It gets boring carrying on a long-distance relationship by internet communication only, for any age. You've never met? How long do you think she can be faithful to her smartphone or the screen on her mobile-device? You are infatuated with a personality that may not even exist.It is likely her parents found out and they may forbid any further contact. As for internet-saavy, there is no substitute for common sense and reality. She is just a young girl, and she may not be truly "asexual." At 16 or 17, at such an age, a girl is usually a virgin, not asexual. She may have a change of heart once she is more mature and meets the right person. She has never met you; so her feelings can't be so real nor that deep.She should be out having fun with people her own age.You can't measure compatibility until you've actually met in person, and spent some time together. Online, it is only perceived that everything is great, because everything is artificial. She can only live in a fantasy world of dreams for only so long; then you have to wake up.People can create any virtual personality they like. They read your profile, and adopt every trait given on your grocery list. They are the person YOU have virtually created. They don't have to be scammers or trolls to be deceptive, just willing to please you. She is more or less a child. You were a fun chat, that's all. Her interest has faded, and now on to another.You've grown a bit intense about your feelings, and she isn't at the same level of maturity, let alone as deeply involved as you seem to be. There is even a mild measure of creep-factor here. This is all a little weird.She has good reason to back off, you might be getting a little scary to a female who hasn't even crossed the threshold of 20. She didn't necessarily lose interest, she may have decided she wanted to move on and live in real life. That may be a healthier choice for you as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): Been there done that Op. It sounds like she was telling you what you wanted to hear. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear from a response but its true.
"...She went as far as saying she feels like she's known me forever (aww) and describing me as a "modern day prince charming" (triple aww)..." All sounds to good to be true im afraid. Especially as you never met.
In the early stages of a relationship its common, especially when we are young, to tell the other what they want to hear and say "I feel the same!" about their views of the world, political view, sexual morrals and so on. But after a while we stop making the effort to fool ourselves and our partners and realize we don't have much in common.
I do agree with the potential scammer too. Its common for some scams to be very elaborate. Even going as far as having "friends" and whole "lives" on facebook and so on to draw someone in.
No disrespect but you say your internet savy, and then your going week at the knees because someone online who you have never met is saying "she's been gushing about how much she appreciates me and admires me" ALARM BELLS should be ringing my friend.
And you also mention the uncanny coincidences and shared interests that have drawn you together. really? Sounds more realistically to be either part of a scam to draw you in or a way to get you to flatter her with compliments and attention by making it feel like "fate" and "love at first click".
You have never met this woman. She could be married with two kids for all you know. Or be a mixed up girl with adolescent issues from unresolved childhood problems or past relationship trauma. She could just be a game player.
You must accept that this isn't a relationship, its a virtual world where you have never met her and she never met you. In that respect you can both be whoever you want but if she wasn't her true self to you then she will disappear the moment you come close to meeting.
Move on and put it down to experience.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 April 2013):
My guess is she got bored and wandered off to the next guy.
She could have a mental illness. She could be married looking for people to chat to.
You may be trying to get too close too soon to a person you don't know in real life.
She could be a big flake.
I would write this one off as 'wasted time,' and focus on meeting people in real life, so you don't build what you think is a strong foundation on an illusion, fantasy, wishful thinking.
Best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@R: I'm internet-savvy enough to recognize scammers and trolls, and I always ask people for proof of their identities before I start trusting them. I've already established lasting friendships online with unique people that I couldn't have found otherwise, and I've even met up with some of them, so... I think I've got the basics well covered. I'm only looking for answers regarding my particular situation with this girl.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (1 April 2013):
So you've never met? This is not a relationship for all you know she is probably a he trying to scam you out of money! Don't talk to people online for more than a few weeks without meeting.
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