A
male
age
36-40,
*loridaFisher
writes:Well, I don't have any clue where to begin on this.. I've never really been in this situation before and I apologize ahead of time for typos and my bad sentence structure and for the long speech.My girlfriend and I have dated for just over 2 years now and things were great the first year. We also have a 1 year old son. Umm, like I said, we were doing great the first year but shortly after things kind of flat-lined in the sense we both kind of lost the spark we once had. I know I love this girl dearly and I know she loves me the same.. we're just in a situation that doesn't give us opportunity to get out much at all so that we can easily get that spark back. I have so much stress going on lately trying to solve these problems that I've been on edge for a while and so I get irritated at the slightest mishap. Recently I found out she had told some guy that she would "do" him. I brought it up and we fought over it and it nearly split us up. She told me I haven't been treating her right lately and that she needed that extra intention, but she also said she had no feelings behind what she said other then attention seeking. I thought hard about it and tried my hardest to change that. I opened communication up on my end and would even occasionally ask if things were getting better and she said yes every time. I figured that things were doing a lot better given our situation. However, when I asked her she would occasionally just blurt out yes without thought which kind of threw me off. I find myself very perceptive to people and I know I can read people pretty well and I find I'm right about my feelings 90% of the time. I had a keylogger on this computer from a while back because my friends kids would use it and they wanted to know what they were looking at since they're so young etc. So, I decided to kick it on and found out she was talking to two other guys in a sexual way and even putting me down once while doing so. I turned it off and confronted her on what I had right then and she broke down and cried and said it meant nothing that she didn't know what was wrong with her and they meant nothing either. She has, of course, ended all contact with these guys even before I asked. She said she wants to be with me and we talked for days about the fact she doesn't feel self worthy etc. So, again, we continued to go about things, but this time on certain terms and I noticed her trying very hard at working on us like I've been doing. Now.. I know you just read a lot.. but.. I figured that background info may help someone help me. We have been trying to get that spark back which has lead us to the topic of sex, fantasy, etc. We both enjoy sex and both finish every time to ensure it. We also try new positions and things occasionally to spice it up. She's very shy but she has opened up many times to tell me things as have I to her. She brought up the threesome thing saying if I get a girl then she would get a guy. I try to keep the communications open by not freaking out even if what she says does freak me out. She basically stated she wanted both places "done" at the same time. I.. am just.. at a loss for words. I find the thought hot, but, I just don't want some guy being in my girlfriend and potential wife. She said she would only want anal sex from him and nothing more and said I could only do the same to the other girl. I'm still very reluctant. I said things like: "ok, off the record no feelings of judgment here.. as far as fantasy goes.. how do you see this playing out in your head.. what would be going on?" She then states: "I would like the whole thing(vaginal sex, anal, oral) during it in my fantasy and I would find it hot if you did it with the other girl but I would be too jealous too". Ok.. What does this mean? Could she really want another man and just my approval for it? Is it really fantasy or maybe her becoming less and less shy about what she really wants to do? I told her I want her to be happy and I want her to be able to do the things that make her happy. We've also talked about bringing in a toy so that maybe we can act out a threesome with just us. She agreed.. but does this mean she'll still always want a 3 some? I'm fine not having another girl if it means no other guy being invasive with my girlfriend. What does she really want from me though? Am I wrong to not let her have her fantasy come true? I'm happy with some fantasies staying just that. She also says she just wants to say she's done it.. whatever that means? We're both young and I understand.. hell part of me wants it too. I just don't want to ruin us for good. I'm already paranoid enough and working on our trust issues. God, this is really doing some damage to my head and thought process. Thanks for your time.. You're potentially saving my sanity.
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male
reader, FloridaFisher +, writes (9 March 2010):
FloridaFisher is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you Bharat for your following up.
I understand what you're saying about it being ok in terms of thought but not actual acting on it. I feel the same way, but I just wonder if she does too. She's out of town with her family so I'll have to ask her about it and figure out what she means by it. All I really understand is that I asked her what she would like to try as a couple and everything sounded fine until she mentioned the threesome idea. I asked her her why and she said she just wants to know what it's like. To experience it to say she's "done it". I asked her also about the fantasy aspect of the idea and she told me more details as to what she sees happening in that fantasy. I don't know if she really wants to do it, and also if she realizes what all could come with actually acting on it. I don't want to do it. I'm going to tell her when she returns that I don't want to risk our relationship and if it's something she really wants to do that I can't be part of it. I love her too much to let her be with another man. I also know that if she wants it and I don't do it that I feel like I'm going to have to end it because I don't want to stop her from getting what she wants out of life. I can't be in the relationship when the love of my life wants something or someone more then me or what I have to offer. If it's just fantasy then we can go on to work on things to make our lives together continuously better. I've been writing things down as I feel them in the form of a big note or letter to her for her to read when she gets back. I feel that this is the only way I can ensure myself not to change my answer and for what I want to be heard without being diluted. One of the things I pre-wrote was an answer to the question "do you really want to do it or is it just fantasy?". I wrote it because I know how much my love for her will change my answer to fit her being happy. If she says she really wants to try it I'll have her open it but of course I will be there to explain things further in person. Two weeks of wondering is really taking its toll on me. I've called into work the past 3 days because I just can't think straight and do my job while my head is continuously streaming ideas about the 'what if' scenarios. I haven't called her in 4 days because I don't want her to have to deal with this while she's away and I would prefer her to answer it in person. Usually this kinda stuff wouldn't phase me and I could simply ask any other girl.. but not her..
Another question. How should I react to this when she's here? I've remained calm and stayed collected before when she first told me and we even discussed it. Now I'm afraid I'll blow up and she'll feel like she can never come to me again about anything. However, I also want to get my point across in a bold manner so she'll know how much this effect her, me, and our relationship.
Thanks again for your response!
A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (9 March 2010):
 In response to "followup remarks," following is my analysis on the subject of 'threesome'.
As you say,"I'm not fulfilling her needs so she'll never feel completely connected to me again"...No, the issue is not related to relationship at all. It is not that she feel lack, it is not the question of not connected with you... the desire for threesome has deeper root.
'In the heat of sexual passion', mind begin to inquire- is there something more in reality for us? It is want for more, 'more', than nature is offering in normal couple sexual act. To have sex in couple relation is at all 'natural', but to think to have it in 'threesome', express new dimension of human desire.
If it is related to relationship problem, then it will be different point, the question would come in different form...just in quarreling temperament. But, your case is different. You both are not quarreling, but making discussion to seek agreement. The question is not about 'faithfulness, but about morality of 'threesome', where you fear about losing relationship, which is also true.
'Threesome', is very notorious idea, very risky, and not easy for us to advise. It is ok in painting, in art object, or in film...but cannot work in real life. 'The art object of threesome', inspire human imagination and human interest...it is ok up to this point, as a inspiration only.
Relationship is also most important thing, and it should not sacrifice for 'fantasy' only.
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A
male
reader, FloridaFisher +, writes (8 March 2010):
FloridaFisher is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for your answers guys. I really do appreciate the time that you all have notably put in.
You've given me a great deal to think about and it's obvious we have to continue to talk about this. My problem comes from trying to figure out what it is she actually wants out of it. Not physically.. but mentally. Is this really a fantasy she wants, is she really shallow enough to do this just so she can say she has, does she want the feeling of being with another man? I'm not quite sure I'll ever know since she still seems too shy and afraid to tell me with certainty about her feelings on some things. In a way I guess I've been manipulated a bit in the past, but I know she's a better person then that. Someone told me marriage is a good way to go when you're this far into the relationship and have a child because it changes things mentally.. not sure if or how that would work. I know I love her and I've tried to give this my all. We watched a couple vids and seen some pics of threesomes and it was just kind of hot that the time for her to say "I want to try it" because she's always so shy. However, I did sit down and watch another few just to make sure my real reactions were out when she was around. It pissed me off kind of to think of her with some naked dude anywhere near her much less in her. If when I talk to her and she says it's fantasy but that she really wants to do it I'm wondering what will happen. I'll know in my mind that she really wants that and I'm not fulfilling her needs so she'll never feel completely connected to me again. I can live with fantasy.. everyone has at least one. I don't think I can go through with it and stay with her. In some ways having a kid plays a big part in it being that if this were a problem and we didn't have a child I could shrug it off for the most part. Right now it just seems like no matter what I choose I cannot win. I've told her my thoughts about not liking it and she said it's ok not to do it, but does she really mean it? Is there a way to tell? The fact that she's asked so soon since talking with those guys and the fact she asked in a "let's do it" manner makes me think she really wants it. This just feels deeper emotionally then just "feeling good". Why is she ok with me being with another woman? I already have this feeling that I'm not enough... going through with it feels like I'm throwing away our relationship. I don't think I could be with a girl who wants another man whether it's purely sex or otherwise. It just throws so many flags that a simple "yes,I'll do it" or "no, I don't think we should" wouldn't do it. I just don't want the woman I care about and love to not feel the same toward me. I don't feel like I need anyone else in this relationship. Just want to know if she feels the same way. I need to be a damned mind reader I feel to know the truth sometimes. Thanks again for your answers!
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta +, writes (8 March 2010):
Your writing is very serious: It is rooted from your heart. I am considering this your statement worth to give great importance;'Umm, like I said, we were doing great the first year but shortly after things kind of flat-lined in the sense we both kind of lost the spark we once had."
This is the heart of problem, you are facing. It is not 'threesome' but losing spark is real real problem, and it is expected that 'threesome' will bring back that loss spark. I am very much sure in saying that nothing will bring back that spark, you both have experienced in your early period [the first year of relationship] No three some, no anal or no sex toys...nothing will work. No fantasy will help.
See, I really wish to guide your problem/trouble. And, remember the rules of law, that ALL EVENT/OCCASION AND EMOTION are secondary, ...are product of ideas, that lead of thinking and doing. So, principle thing is IDEAS.
D.H. Lowrance has rightly observed that MARRIAGE IS DEATH BED OF [EROTIC] ROMANCE. Why? simply because sex became routine activity...like food and sleep. We cannot eat food limitless....but, see our mind know that we can enjoy sex limitless. because mind is not stomach. Mind is not physical entity restricted by time and space. MIND IS POWER.
If the fact narrated above is true, than think that sex is also power. and, here only one thing can work, right ideas, which is rooted from some fact of reality, and not from fantasy like 'threesome'. If mind cannot preserve sexual spark in couple, than how will it work under different circumstance? Sex is meant only for couple and and not in group made by three or four....
It is eroticism, the name of TRUE IDEAS, [I am referring] has power not only to manage SPARK...but generate FIRE, WHICH CAN BE MORE THAN EARLIER SPARK, experience by many many young couple, or in new relationship.
So, I advise you to learn about EROTICISM.
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A
female
reader, Weramazing  +, writes (8 March 2010):
 Don't do it. There are already trust issues in this relationship and this will just make things worse. To be honest with you it's time you put your foot down and told her what you will and won't accept aswell as what you want and don't want. Right now it seems she wants other things. she talks to other guys and wants sex from other people. Don't be a door mat stop letting her treat you like this lay down the rules and be honest about your feelings. Sounds like she is very good at making you feel like it's your fault that she talks to other guys, well it is NOT no one else is to blame but her selfish self. Tell her everything you are unhappy about and that you will not have a threesome aswell as anything else you don't want to do or put up with. I know she is the mother of your child but if she really wants to do these things despite you being against it, it's time to go as you will never be happy here.If she reacts positively to the conversation and agrees to work on things maybe you should get some time alone. Get a family member or friend to look after the baby and have a romantic weekend together.Good luck remember if she doesn't respect your feelings the relationship is over and you can find a girl who wants the same things as you. (oh and trust me most girls would not want there partner to be having sex with another girl or to have sex themselves with anyone but there boyfriend.)
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (8 March 2010):
I think its a bad idea for you to go through with this. It is titillating to think about and may even be erotic when you do it. But the real effects will be seen in the aftermath. You will be replaying these images in your mind over and over for years to come. You will never see her the same way. Your relationship is already on shaky foundations and there are already trust issues between you. Who's to say she won't continue seeing the other guy behind your back? You will become paranoid everytime she leaves the house wondering if she is going off with someone. The pleasure you see her experiencing may make you insecure about your ability to satisfy her in future. There are a lot more negatives to this scenario than positives. From what you've said, if you go with this then your relationship is probably going to be ruined. Some fantasies are only for the porn industry. Even the actors who sell these fantasies to us often don't do this in real life and many women in porn are often emotionally damaged by it. Find a way to spice up your relationship without bringing in third parties. Recently we had another guy post here after his foursome and his girlfriend didn't want to speak to him anymore. So think carefully about this.
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