A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Things my girlfriend of 4 and half years dreads if I ask her:-"Shall we have a night out?"We used to have nights out at least once a week. Then we split up for 3 months in 2008 and got back, things have never been the same. Its as if she doesnt want to be seen out with me."Do you want to sleep over?"I used to always sleep over at hers any chance I could, she insisted on it. Then we split up for 3 months in 2008 and got back, things have never been the same. She never asks me to sleep over anymore, I have to ask, and it feels as though i'm forcing her to let me. I got my own place after we got back, she always comes up with excuse after excuse for not sleeping at mine."Any chance of sex this month?"Ok, I dont quite put it like that, but thats pretty much what it feels like i'm saying. We used to always have sex, any chance we got, any place. Then we split up for 3 months in 2008 and got back, things have never been the same. It was almost a year before we had sex agian, and she didnt want to, she said she did it for me. Im lucky if I get sex once a month. And when I do, thats all it is, sex. Not the passionate love making we used to do. She just lays there emotionless untill Ive done, then gets dressed right away."How about just a kiss?"Again, not quite how i word it, but again, its what it feels like im saying! We used to always kiss, anywhere and everywhere. Id kiss her all over her body and she would do the same. Then we split up for 3 months in 2008 and got back, things have never been the same. She backs off if I try to kiss her, then just gives me a peck on the cheek so she can tick the 'kiss' box and say she done it."Are you ever gonna tell your friends we got back together"When we split she told all her friends and family we had finished. Since getting back together, she doesnt want anyone to know, not her friends, not her family, not anyone.So, it all stems from the time we split up a few years ago. Did I cheat - NO, did I look at another woman - NO. We had been together for 2 years and she dumped me instantly like a brick when I stole from work. Yeah I know it was stupid of me, and I paid for that. We always said we would stick by each other no matter what, then first bit of trouble she walks out. I never done anything like that before and never will again. Up until that I was a model citizen, even a role model to others. She said that was the worst thing anyone had ever done to her, which hit me hard because I know she got raped a few years previous and now she saying what I did I was worse than that!It took 3 months to get her back, and she only took me back because she needed me in her life because I was her only shoulder to lean on when it got tough for her, and taking me back was the only way I was staying in her life. And its never been the same since.She says she loves me, but has shown absolutely no emotion or affection toward me since we got back together. Ive suggested we see a relationship councilor, but she wont in case they advise us to leave each other. I suggested we take a break from each other, but she wont in case she likes being apart and doesnt want to get back together.I feel in limbo now and have done for a while.I dont want to walk out on her, but I cant see any other choice.Please help with some advice. Dont pull any punches, just tell me what you think I should do.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (23 October 2011):
your gf clearly has no feelings for you anymore, because when you stole from your work you shattered her trust in you. She doesn't see you the same way anymore.
however, you're both using each other for your own selfish reasons now. she's keeping you around despite not loving you and not wanting to have anything to do with you as a partner, but simply because she's afraid to be alone.
You know that she feels this way about you. And yet you continue to beg or cajole her for sex or affection. Do you not think that when your gf gives you sex or affection ONLY as a result of your begging or guilt-tripping, that it's not genuine? And yet, you continue to coerce it from her knowing how much she dislikes it? What did you expect would result from this? That is your mistake which you are contributing to your miserable situation.
You did the right thing of suggesting relationship counseling. She refused , which she has every right to do, but again she's refusing for selfish reasons. she thinks a counselor will tell you to break up - which, by the way, isn't true...most counselors don't make your life decisions for you, that's not their job. But it sounds like by thinking this is what a counselor will do and refusing it on those grounds, that means she wants to keep the relationship but EXACTLY as it is right now. She wants to continue using you for a sense of security when you're not around, while at the same time feeling nothing for you and thus being unable to give you any real affection.
so right now you have pretty much just two choices. Since your gf is refusing to work on the relationship, you can either continue this relationship exactly the way it has been, or you can break up with her whether she likes it or not. If you continue with the way things are, I think it's likely that sooner or later she will eventually leave you or worse she could cheat on you. This is because she clearly has no feelings for you anymore so there's nothing stopping her from falling in love with someone else if and when such a person comes along. She could be just keeping you around as a security blanket until she finds someone better to replace you with.
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (23 October 2011):
 Move on it's not working
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A
female
reader, princess28 +, writes (23 October 2011):
DUMP HER ! She's totally not worth it it seems like she doesn't want to be with you because when someone really love someonee they will always want to do things together and be happy. And are yu kidding me sex only once a month ?do yu know how many girls there is out there waiting for a guy to love them just like the love yu giving to this girl that don't deserve it. Move on yu can do so much better !
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 October 2011):
 First of all, stealing from work is not a "first bit of trouble". That was a major thing. You stole from work. Did you get caught? Did you lose your job? Were the police notified?
That is a massive issue. When you find out that the man you're with and are thinking of a future with has displayed a really bad character flaw. She saw her future as waiting for you to get out of prison as a felon. I'm guessing what you stole wasn't like a ball point pen or a paper clip or a couple pieces of paper.
She shut off emotionally and possible dated someone else in the 3 months you were apart. She probably told her friends and family what you did (if they didn't already know) and know that if she told them she was back with you, that they'd go ballistic.
If she was raped, I'm sure the fact that she found out this about you, she felt that betrayal and violation all over again, but what you did was more profound to her because she loved you so much more than the guy who raped her.
She's not showing you emotion and isn't interested in sex because she doesn't trust you. She's protecting herself from being hurt, and she's not decided to open herself up to get burned by you again. In order to be a workplace thief, you have a familiarity to deception. She is right in protecting herself.
However, she should go the rest of the way and find someone else, which I'm guessing she will and is just biding her time with you. I'd suggest breaking up with her (the damage is irreparable) and starting over with a clean slate.
Even now, I'm worried about you. You are minimizing what you did. Cheating and stuff is really bad, but so is being a felon. She thought you were upstanding, only to find out that you aren't who people think you are. She saw a serious dark side to you that you concealed. That, combined with her past rape, sent her over the edge.
Best to let her go. You are paying the final price for your theft. Best to start over, vow never to steal again, and start a new relationship that isn't scarred.
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