A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm mid 20's - I've been with my girl for 7 months and she is my first girlfriend. She however has been in relationships non-stop since she was 16. Things are more serious it seems from her side (i din't see this at first but am realising it) as she tells me she loves mea and has plans to move in and even further (she wants to plan the next 5 years for marriage and kids) but i'm, not ready for this. I really like her and do love her but am not yet neccesarily in love with her YET but this is causing problems. I have always have had problems with the smallest decisions and commitments and she is the opposite - plans things out months in advance. The fact i've always just had myself to answer to means i've never encountered this problem before. But i'm starting to doubt my commitment. She has planned family holidays and events so far in advance and i dread them all! not that her family isn't nice but it's all too full on for me and now her brother who lives in asia is getting married early next year and plans are being made to go. I freaked as i really don't want to go. It's far too far and expensive and too far in the future for me to feel comfortable let alone want to go and everyone assumed i would. I then told my gf that i didn't really want to go and that i'd never even met him so it was a lot to ask of me (a bit insensitive in hindsight but i'm paying for it by having it thrown in my face all the time). I couldn't understand why she was so upset as these things just aren't as important to me but i am now maybe thinking i've been selfish? what do you think? i'm just really not ready to be fully inaugerated in to her family and it has all been so full on the last 6 months. I don't feel like i have my own life anymore. I barely see my own family and she tells me that if i want to see my friends i should plan in advance and even if i'm just planning to chill round hers (we do it every day) she gets REALLY upset if something comes up with my friends and i want to go. I see them about once evry 2 weeks now and they think i'm neglecting them but she says that my commitments should lie 100% with her and not my friends. I went out one day 3 times on seperate weekends over last month as i had different friends birthdays to attend and she almost split up with me over it saying i was selfish and not commited enough. I see her 99% of days! she can't understand that my friends are really important to me and says that she wouldn't care if her friends never spoke to her again (she'd get over it as her life revoloves around her relationships) She laughed when i told her my friends were like family to me. I don't know what to do - i really like her but am so confused. I need to know if she is being ott or unfair or more importantly AM I BEING UNFAIR? i've felt so long thinking i should have more freedom and that she is too clingy but should i be focusing the other way and agreeing with her? I especially want to know about the brother getting married issue as i feel so guilty am starting to understand why she feels upset as she says i should want to go bed cause it's important to her and i should want to be there for her but am i wrong for not wanting to go and for bringing this up with her? I know i've rambled and i apologise for this but any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): She is obviously a control freak.Not letting you hang out with your friends or spend time away from her is unreasonable. If she spends a lot more time with her friends than you get to spend with yours she is being the selfish one.You are not ready for commitment which is fair enough since she is your first girlfriend. She is ready to commit without even wondering if you are ready which is a real problem "(she wants to plan the next 5 years for marriage and kids).""now her brother who lives in asia is getting married early next year and plans are being made to go." Thats the least of your problems.I'm assuming by "It's far too far and expensive" that you aren't that much more wealthy than her but if you are then you should be aware if she is rushing marriage then she might be a gold digger.Now you have to ask yourself if you want to still continue your relationship with her becauseA: I doubt she will changeB: Marriage shouldn't be planned until both partners mutually feel like they want to actually get marriedC: "she wouldn't care if her friends never spoke to her again (she'd get over it as her life revolves around her relationships)" she is trying to change you rather than accepting your friends are important to you and your life doesn't revolve around her.I hope you decide whether or not she is right for you before you get "trapped" with marriage and children.
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