A
male
age
51-59,
*lluminatedone
writes:Alright so i'm going to do my best to make this as concise as possible. I met this girl from another country on the other side of the world via the internet. She is a very social person and is almost always out and about but she is also insecure and shy, ironic i know. The first time we talked she had a boyfriend and wasn't attracted to me at all sexually, but i basically manipulated her into sending me a topless photo, after a while i got kind of obsessed with her and told her to never talk to me again.Well about a year later we've started talking again and she has a new boyfriend. She says she loves him very much. However, this time around she IS sexually attracted to me for whatever reason and has willingly sent me sexy pictures teasing me, but it still took her a while to show me her breasts. She says I'm the only one who makes her like that and i kind of believe it because she was certainly difficult to open up.So basically she was planning to come stay with me for a month next year. We were talking about all the great sex we were going to have. She said she didn't feel bad about doing that to her boyfriend because of something he did in the past(left her to sleep with her best friend, ouch) and that I was her sexual fantasy. Honestly i don't know what changed between when i first met her and now, maybe you guys could give me insight. So a few days ago she sends me her bare breasts in a picture after a whole bunch of other teasers with them blobbed out. Then the very next day she said she can't sleep with me and that we can't talk sexually anymore because she loves her boyfriend (WTF?). She also said that she has never had someone be as sexually explicit as i am with her and that it put her off, which is ludicrous because that's what turned her on in the first place?!I personally think she doesn't care about her boyfriend and I've disgusted her or something because i talk about sex a lot(which she kind of said). I don't know what to think. Was i going to fast? She completely opened up to me and the very next day after i asked her about anal she says we can't do it anymore. It isn't feasible for me to date this girl but i really like her and would like to sleep with her if she comes because that might be the only time we see each other because of the cost. But she said she will still come but only as friends... i gave her hell for leading me on too. Where did i go wrong? Did she just all of a sudden realize what she was doing for weeks? Is she just hiding that she is worried i might just use her for sex or that it is all i care about? Maybe she's afraid of what she thinks I'll do? I really like her and would love to have her as a friend forever but if probably the only time we ever meet we wont have sex it just isn't worth it to me, i'd be eaten up inside by desire. I could see her as a lifelong friend and want to know everything about her.Could someone please give me some insight and wisdom perhaps? I can't tell where it went wrong and how to get the train back on track. I don't think it just all of a sudden dawned on her that she was cheating, that's ludicrous. Should i just stop talking about sex with her and deal with that when she gets here? After she told me we couldn't have sex she started acting very depressed and said something suicidal when i told her that's fucked up for leading me on. She said she knew her bipolarity and indecisiveness would drive me away. I do care about how she feels but i was too angry from her teasing me all those days just to say we can't do it. Can anyone relate? Thanks so much for your responses beforehand.
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reader, illuminatedone +, writes (10 December 2014):
illuminatedone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Ruby your response has been the most helpful thus far. After talking to her a bit more I suppose she really does love her boyfriend. The main thing that got under my skin is she said she loved her boyfriend and THEN said I was too stubborn, talked too much about sex, etc etc. so I'm like do you love your boyfriend or was it my fault? That is primarily what was driving me crazy. She sounds sincere now and says she isn't going to do anything while she's dating her boyfriend. She still plans to come here in about a year but if she's still with her boyfriend I fear that she will either come here, sleep with me, and make us both feel bad about it... or that she will come here and shy away from every advance I make. I agreed to pay half so in the event she does come here I don't want a platonic relationship and she is well aware of this so I don't know why she's even considering coming here lol.When you asked what I want from her, I guess I just don't want there to be any barriers to what I can say to her.
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (10 December 2014):
What do you want from this girl? Sure, she lead you on but she's apologised and has tried to explain herself as best she can. It's just that her explanation isn't good enough for you. What do you want her to say?She's bi-polar. Much as you may not like it, it does explain her erratic and impulsive behaviour. It doesn't excuse it or make it right but it explains it. She was probably in a manic phase when she initiated contact with you and had all that sex chat with you. Now she's no longer manic she will be able to see much more clearly just how inappropriate and destructive her behaviour was. And she wants to stop it.Are you really asking whether you can "get things back on track"? Because it doesn't sound like it from the tone of the conversation you posted on your follow-up. The conversation is full of derisory and accusatory comments from you.Just move on from her. It sounds totally toxic.
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A
male
reader, illuminatedone +, writes (10 December 2014):
illuminatedone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually we skype all the time. They were definitely her breasts. I've talked to her since posing this question to you guys and her responses are many. Mainly that I'm too stubborn, she feels bad, she doesn't think she can trust me, she loves her boyfriend... I think the nail in the coffin was the anal thing, I feel like every time she tells me how she feels she's not being completely honest with me. Her justifications are "I'm bipolar and retarded" (melodramatic much), but here is some excerpts of our conversation so I can give you all a better understanding. [4:08:10 PM] Me: That means I'm not going to play the friends game[4:08:19 PM] Me: I'm going to say what I want[4:08:58 PM] Me: And I think it[4:09:15 PM] Me: is hilarious how you think there's a difference between showing me something and wearing something at a club[4:09:32 PM] Her: I’m not ok with wearing something cause someone asked me to[4:09:44 PM] Me: Well I'm not someone[4:09:58 PM] Her: And if I wear that kind of thing at a club, I would wear in a way that isn’t slutty.[4:10:04 PM] Her: Yes you are[4:10:09 PM] Her: You’re not god man[4:10:19 PM] Her: I don’t understand you sometimes[4:10:45 PM] Her: You don’t understand me either (which is fine with me cause I’m full of nonsense SOMETIMES[4:10:58 PM] Me: You are always full of nonsense[4:11:01 PM] Me: No sometimes about it[4:11:07 PM] Her: Fine[4:11:14 PM] Her: If you say so[4:11:27 PM] Her: As you said, leave me alone and my nonsense[4:11:46 PM] Her: You’re probably right, i might end up dead cause I killed myself lol[4:11:53 PM] Her: CauseI’m a psycho bitch[4:12:11 PM] Me: Man are you gonna pull the suicide card every time?[4:12:14 PM] Her: but for now, i’m just sorry for what I did[4:12:22 PM] Me: Get the fuck over yourself[4:12:32 PM] Her: and i already told you how i felt[4:12:42 PM] Her: working on it[4:12:53 PM] Her: firstly, i want to be honest[4:13:03 PM] Her: not only with you but everyone else around me[4:13:09 PM] Me: Yeah well when someone tells me they can wear something at a club and can't wear it when I ask them that has a tendency to get on my nerves[4:13:14 PM] Me: You aren't being honest[4:13:22 PM] Her: I want to be[4:13:24 PM] Me: If you were honest you'd tell your boyfriend and let the shit happen[4:13:30 PM] Me: But you'd rather act like it never did[4:13:34 PM] Me: Honest my ass[4:13:35 PM] Her: I don’t want to do anything[4:13:37 PM] Me: Damage control[4:13:44 PM] Me: Clearly[4:13:50 PM] Her: I felt bad enough alredy[4:13:54 PM] Her: already*[4:13:58 PM] Her: decided to stop[4:14:01 PM] Me: Good for you[4:14:06 PM] Her: yes[4:14:07 PM] Me: Well I'm not stopping[4:14:10 PM] Me: And I told you that[4:14:10 PM] Her: i feel better with myself[4:14:15 PM] Me: Great[4:14:17 PM] Her: stopping what?[4:14:26 PM] Me: Talking to you how I want to[4:14:30 PM] Me: Asking you what I want to[4:14:35 PM] Her: ….[4:14:37 PM] Her: uh[4:14:38 PM] Her: ok[4:14:59 PM] Her: well i’m not ok when someone asks me to wear something for them[4:15:11 PM] Me: But you're fine showcasing it in a club[4:15:13 PM] Her: or accept the fact that i have done a mistake[4:15:27 PM] Her: yeah, wearing it with a closed shirt on[4:15:27 PM] Me: Lol a mistake[4:15:49 PM] Me: Is that what you call it[4:15:56 PM] Her: whatever[4:15:58 PM] Her: i give up[4:16:06 PM] Her: all i want to say is i’m really sorry[4:16:07 PM] Me: Was it a mistake the first day or the last one?[4:16:09 PM] Her: i feel dumb[4:16:18 PM] Her: and i hope that you hear that[4:16:21 PM] Me: Or every day in between?[4:16:27 PM] Her: i’m the mistake[4:16:41 PM] Me: Then it wasn't[4:16:48 PM] Her: it was[4:16:51 PM] Me: Wrong[4:16:58 PM] Her: i don’t want to be like that[4:17:06 PM] Me: You are like that lol[4:17:11 PM] Her: the one cheating on her boyfriend[4:17:18 PM] Me: It doesn't matter whether or not you want to be like it[4:17:24 PM] Me: You ARE like that[4:17:31 PM] Her: i have always been loyal until you[4:17:39 PM] Me: If you weren't I couldn't have turned you on[4:17:50 PM] Her: and i don’t want to let you make me an unloyal person[4:18:00 PM] Me: Lmfao[4:18:03 PM] Her: unfaithful*[4:18:09 PM] Me: Me make you?[4:18:16 PM] Her: ok[4:18:18 PM] Me: From like 4,000 miles away?[4:18:19 PM] Her: let myself *[4:18:24 PM] Her: yeah[4:18:31 PM] Her: sorry got the subject wrong[4:18:40 PM] Her: anyways[4:19:03 PM] Her: i changed my mind and it will stay this way until i feel like i want to live the single life[4:19:25 PM] Her: see it the way you want to, but I don’t want to live a lie anymore[4:19:34 PM] Me: The way I want to?[4:19:35 PM] Her: it lasted a week and that was it[4:19:39 PM] Me: It's the way it is[4:19:48 PM] Me: And it's only a lie because you can't tell it[4:19:57 PM] Her: enough for me to realize that i’m not that kind of person[4:20:05 PM] Me: Ahahaha[4:20:10 PM] Her: so wait, you want me to tell my boyfriend?[4:20:21 PM] Her: cause all i’ll tell him would be :[4:21:21 PM] Her: look, i fucked up for a week, i dunno why i did this, i might be bipolar, i kind of flirted with someone in america but then realized i was making a mistake and i am very sorry. I stopped after a week.[4:21:35 PM] Her: -_-[4:21:38 PM] Her: wooooow[4:22:01 PM] Me: Rofl[4:22:07 PM] Me: Will you stop that shit[4:22:24 PM] Me: Wahhh I can't control myself wahhhh I'm bipolar wahhh I should kill myself wahhh[4:22:36 PM] Me: Take some fucking responsibility for once in your life[4:22:43 PM] Me: That's what your problem is[4:22:52 PM] Me: You aren't responsible for your actions[4:22:59 PM] Me: You just fucking pass them off as being bipolar[4:23:17 PM] Me: Well I see through your bullshit[4:23:20 PM] Me: Always have, always will[4:24:05 PM] Her: Ok[4:25:50 PM] Me: If you were being honest you'd be more like "Look, this guy in America makes me feel better than you ever have, and we were kind of talking... But he lives in America so I'm choosing you"[4:26:01 PM] Me: That's what HONEST is[4:26:06 PM] Her: No[4:26:10 PM] Her: You want to know why=[4:26:11 PM] Her: ?[4:27:27 PM] Her: In one week I also realized that you were way too stubborn. Yes you are funny, yes I love your personality, but there is something I’m not ok with .. It’s the way you get angry quickly when you don’t get what you want. Just like quitting skype cause you’re not ok with being friends with me.[4:27:32 PM] Her: You have an attitude too.[4:27:39 PM] Her: I’m not perfect, and I know it.[4:27:50 PM] Me: Whatever[4:27:53 PM] Her: But if I chose my boyfriend it’s because I’ve been loving him since i’m 14.[4:28:04 PM] Me: Shut up[4:28:11 PM] Her: Ok.[4:28:23 PM] Me: I'm stubborn because I fucking despise bullshit[4:28:26 PM] Me: And you're full of it[4:28:36 PM] Me: That's how I am when I'm confronted with bullshit[4:28:37 PM] Her: Stop talking to me then[4:28:45 PM] Me: I get through the lies and to the truth[4:28:47 PM] Her: Cause if I’m so full of bullshit[4:28:53 PM] Her: you should[4:29:09 PM] Me: I'm not angry, I'm annoyed[4:29:21 PM] Her: well i’m pissed off with myself[4:29:25 PM] Me: And what about my attitude[4:29:30 PM] Me: That's who the fuck I AM[4:29:30 PM] Her: cause I got myself into this vicious circle all on my own[4:29:34 PM] Me: Yeah you did[4:29:44 PM] Her: and I want to get out of it[4:29:45 PM] Me: All because I'm a stubborn little fucker right?[4:29:56 PM] Her: i didn’t say that[4:38:51 PM] Her: not blaming you[4:38:52 PM] Her: at all[4:38:54 PM] Me: Yes you are[4:38:58 PM] Her: told you i’m blaming myself only[4:39:01 PM] Her: nope[4:39:09 PM] Me: [4:27 PM] Her: In one week I also realized that you were way too stubborn. Yes you are funny, yes I love your personality, but there is something I’m not ok with .. It’s the way you get angry quickly when you don’t get what you want. Just like quitting skype cause you’re not ok with being friends with me.[4:39:11 PM] Her: i’m just saying why things won’t work out between you and me[4:39:30 PM] Me: Things aren't going to work out between us because of the distance[4:39:40 PM] Me: Not because of anything we do[4:39:54 PM] Me: Because I can get through to you[4:40:02 PM] Her: no, i feel that there’s not only the distance[4:40:07 PM] Her: i’m scared of you[4:40:13 PM] Her: and I don’t even know why lol[4:40:23 PM] Her: maybe that’s why...[4:40:28 PM] Me: What?[4:40:39 PM] Her: Because you can get through me[4:40:44 PM] Her: I dunno[4:41:03 PM] Her: I laugh so much and yet I still distrust somethign[4:41:03 PM] Me: You're scared of me because you open up to me? lol...[4:41:10 PM] Her: maybe i dunno[4:41:24 PM] Her: probably not used to open up to someone so easily[4:41:37 PM] Her: and it destabilized me[4:41:40 PM] Her: dunno[4:42:05 PM] Her: but I don’t feel EXTREMELY confortable with that[4:42:15 PM] Me: With opening up to me?[4:43:21 PM] Her: i don’t know what it is[4:43:27 PM] Her: I’m just saying it might be that[4:43:42 PM] Her: and the way you don’t accept the fact that i love my boyfriend[4:43:50 PM] Me: I don't believe you do[4:44:08 PM] Her: well i know i do[4:44:27 PM] Me: Then how did you get attracted to me[4:44:49 PM] Her: cause you were something new i guss[4:45:45 PM] Me: rofl[4:46:03 PM] Me: Look[4:46:13 PM] Me: You figure out why you don't trust me, and don't talk to me until you do[4:46:37 PM] Me: Because I'm not going to waste my time with someone who doesn't trust me[4:46:42 PM] Her: You don’t want to understand the fact that I do not want to flirt with you anymore[4:46:59 PM] Her: So until you do, I can’t do anything[4:47:19 PM] Me: Because I think you're full of shit[4:47:30 PM] Me: You just don't want it to impact your relationship[4:48:07 PM] Me: And you've always known how stubborn I am[4:48:15 PM] Me: So don't act like that is some epiphany you had[4:48:16 PM] Her: kind of forget[4:48:35 PM] Her: but anyways, i’m not ok with you thinking like that.[4:48:47 PM] Her: i don’t want to impact my relationship cause i care about it[4:48:58 PM] Me: Then what the hell am I[4:49:41 PM] Her: someone i have never met before and has enlighten me on many things, and makes me laugh and hope that there are still good people on this fucking planet[4:50:24 PM] Me: If you think that you can tease me and talk to me like we're more than friends, then all of a sudden expect me to accept that we're just friends, you're retarded[4:50:35 PM] Her: i know[4:50:46 PM] Her: this is why i feel bad[4:50:48 PM] Me: I'm going to see you in a sexual context forever[4:50:50 PM] Me: Get over it[4:50:55 PM] Her: ^^[4:51:02 PM] Her: god[4:51:20 PM] Me: God didn't put you in this spot[4:54:36 PM] Me: All of this over anal sex rofl[4:54:54 PM] Her: … you kept going on about it[4:54:58 PM] Her: put me off big time[4:55:18 PM] Me: Yeah well you gave me about 20 half answers[4:55:45 PM] Me: I wouldn't do a damn thing you weren't cool with[4:55:53 PM] Me: So don't even try to frame me like that[4:57:01 PM] Her: I don’t want to[4:57:07 PM] Her: But you just don’t want to let me go..[4:57:18 PM] Me: Don't want to what[4:58:23 PM] Me: So you're telling me that you have no attraction for me, and I'm your little pen pal[4:58:32 PM] Me: Because I have a sexual preference that I asked about[4:58:33 PM] Me: ?[4:58:56 PM] Her: Why do you think I’m using you?[4:59:07 PM] Her: I told you, I feel like I want to be friends.[4:59:37 PM] Me: Because you fucking made my dick hard for like two weeks and then one day say it's over because I asked about anal too much what a fucking joke[4:59:48 PM] Me: Fuck your feelings[4:59:55 PM] Me: I don't care what you feel like when it comes to me[5:00:30 PM] Me: You should've just told me that's exactly what happened[5:00:40 PM] Me: Because I wouldn't have fucking wasted my time talking to you[5:00:46 PM] Me: Instead you beat around the bush[5:00:58 PM] Me: Grow the fuck up[5:01:42 PM] Her: I changed my mind because I didn’t want to be this kind of person anymore ![5:01:46 PM] Me: Sorry you've been fucked in the ass by everyone you've dated and somehow you've got a problem with it when I bring it up[5:01:50 PM] Her: Already told you for goodness sake[5:01:50 PM] Me: Bullshit[5:02:04 PM] Her: That isn’t true[5:02:10 PM] Her: not everyone ![5:02:19 PM] Her: so don’t say tha[5:02:22 PM] Her: that[5:02:37 PM] Me: Right[5:02:45 PM] Me: Because it makes you feel like a slut?[5:02:46 PM] Her: anyways, that’s not the problemm.[5:02:50 PM] Me: Yes it is[5:02:52 PM] Me: And you know it is[5:02:54 PM] Me: So shut the fuck up[5:03:09 PM] Her: No, I just felt like you were exaggerating on the subject of sexe ways too much[5:03:16 PM] Her: you don’t even realize[5:03:24 PM] Me: And I haven't done shit since[5:03:25 PM] Her: you were talking to me only for this sometimes[5:03:27 PM] Me: So clearly I can control myself[5:03:34 PM] Her: and I’m very thankful for that[5:03:43 PM] Her: and stop talking to me like that[5:03:49 PM] Her: god I don’t talk to you like a bitch[5:03:54 PM] Me: Yes you do[5:04:09 PM] Her: i fucked up it doesn’t make me the most vicious person on earth[5:04:24 PM] Me: You make up all these bullshit excuses and don't tell the truth until I fucking pull it out of you[5:04:31 PM] Me: You didn't fuck up[5:04:35 PM] Me: You fucked me up[5:04:48 PM] Me: Because you're only concerned with yourself[5:05:29 PM] Me: How the fuck are you gonna send me a picture of your tits and everything else and then say I talk about sex too much[5:05:31 PM] Me: lmfao[5:05:40 PM] Me: You hypocrite[5:05:55 PM] Her: well you know what? if you wanna talk to me this way just stop writing to me from now on. cause i already apologized for what i’ve done, tried to make you understand how dumb and foolish it was from me to do what i did . If i could turn back in time i would because i regret being what i am . i decided to stop cause i didn’t want to continue anything, i started to have heart pains when i was going to bed and waking up .[5:06:17 PM] Me: Oh man heart pains[5:06:22 PM] Me: The anal hurts so bad[5:06:27 PM] Her: lol[5:06:29 PM] Her: you’re funny[5:06:31 PM] Me: Damn those pictures I keep sending[5:06:35 PM] Me: Ahhhhh fuck[5:06:38 PM] Her: yeah exactly[5:06:39 PM] Me: There's another one[5:06:42 PM] Me: God damnit![5:06:47 PM] Me: Why do I enjoy this?[5:06:48 PM] Me: Hmmm[5:06:53 PM] Me: He's a fucking pervert[5:06:56 PM] Me: Fuck him[5:06:58 PM] Her: -_-[5:07:02 PM] Her: I AM SORRY[5:07:06 PM] Me: I'm not[5:07:09 PM] Her: that’s all i can say[5:07:15 PM] Her: and we’ve already been through this[5:07:24 PM] Her: all i can do is say that i’m sorry[5:07:26 PM] Me: Yeah and every time I learn something new[5:07:32 PM] Her: and how can I make you forgive me ?[5:07:34 PM] Her: nohing[5:07:40 PM] Her: so[5:07:41 PM] Me: Not being a fake bitch[5:07:44 PM] Me: How about that[5:07:46 PM] Her: end of story[5:07:54 PM] Her: I’M NOT ANYMORE[5:07:59 PM] Her: here is ME talking :[5:08:03 PM] Her: I DON’T WANNA DO THIS ANYMORE[5:08:04 PM] Her: EVER[5:08:06 PM] Her: AGAINI did this because you made me feel attractive. I wanted to feel like I could still please someone physically and personally. I wanted to trust you in every ways. I wanted to live something completely crazy and different than my boring life. I wanted to « experiment a different type of fun » . But realized it’s just not me.[5:12:56 PM] Me: That was so hard wasn't it[5:13:02 PM] Her: And I thought that ending it after a week was ok… but apparently not.[5:13:12 PM] Me: Here's my take[5:13:26 PM] Me: You can trust me in every way. And you don't know who the fuck you are[5:13:26 PM] Her: And I don’t know how to forgive myself and prove you that I feel sorry[5:13:48 PM] Her: i don’t want to know who the fuck i am[5:13:52 PM] Her: cause i’m a living monster[5:13:59 PM] Her: i used to steel from my own parents[5:14:10 PM] Me: You and every other kid[5:14:53 PM] Her: i want te be the center of attention when it comes to guys cause i want to feel attractive cause i hate my face, my body, me , myself and I[5:15:05 PM] Her: i lie all the fucking time[5:15:08 PM] Her: to myself[5:15:16 PM] Her: i always find excuses to hide my own self[5:15:23 PM] Her: cause I don’t want to be what I am[5:15:26 PM] Me: Like you're doing now?[5:15:44 PM] Her: and YOU made me realize that I don’t want to be this fucking person anymore[5:15:58 PM] Her: and that I don’t want to be a fake person[5:16:11 PM] Her: and for this, I need to be loyal and faithful[5:16:17 PM] Her: NO I AM HONEST[5:16:20 PM] Her: I swear[5:16:40 PM] Me: So you did use me[5:16:46 PM] Her: No[5:16:49 PM] Her: :([5:16:50 PM] Me: [5:14 PM] Her: i want te be the center of attention when it comes to guys cause i want to feel attractive cause i hate my face, my body, me , myself and I[5:16:52 PM] Her: I never use people[5:17:04 PM] Her: no that’s not what i meant[5:17:21 PM] Me: Hahaha. I'm your fucking moral boost.[5:17:27 PM] Her: ok whatever[5:17:31 PM] Her: take it like you want[5:17:34 PM] Me: I am
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 December 2014):
 You got too carried away with those words, "you make her feel like no one ever has." When in fact she probably kept dating the wrong guys locally. Whether she's been neglected, cheated on or she just needs extra attention. Online she had been feeding herself this fantasy. All of your activity happened through your imaginations in your brains. She is not going to visit you so you don't even have to worry how to behave when she gets here. Her affair with you came from a desire for revenge. Now that she played through her fantasy in her mind she felt no need to replay it in real life because keeping her boyfriend is more important. Her conversations also stopped probably because her boyfriend interfered with her online activity. There are many flaky people online so you have to be lucky in order to meet people there who mean what they say.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 December 2014):
 Here's this OLD MAN's insight:
The Internet is a vaporous and indistinct world... where anybody can be anything or anybody.....
Whatever has transpired between you and this girl is of NO SUBSTANCE until and unless you and she meet - in person - and find out who is behind that monitor screen.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 December 2014):
 Why are you getting upset? You know what sort of person she is!
She is a woman who,despite being in a relationship, still connects and talks with other men about cheating on her boyfriend.
She is also into playing games, sending photographs, after a LOT of teasers, of her breasts and then saying she wont get sexual.
You are being played. Nothing is going to come of your online relationship with this woman, and to be honest they probably aren't even her breasts but some random online pictures she found somewhere.
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