A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Some of you have read part of my story but this is a continuation. I have dated my boyfriend for 7-1/2 years who is divorced with two grown up kids. I am 26 and he's 40. Furthermore we are not from the same culture he is Armenian and im hispanic. He says he loves me and overall great person to me always, but he's not ready to marry yet because he wants one of his kids to turn 18 so he can move on, etc.., I don't know what to believe anymore. After dating for almost eight years i met his parents and the rest of his bros sis, etc... ONLY 2 years ago by accident because they walked in his house as i was leaving. It broke my heart because we recently went over to my boyfriend's sister's house to celebrate his eldest son's 19th birthday and right after almost all the guest left I stayed back to help one of his niece's clean up. She and i were pretty much alone, a few others were around, outside. She started talking to me saying that the reason why the whole family isn't completely cheery, more open to me, nor text me or call me is because I'm not Armenian. She said that the family still love and miss my boyfriend's ex wife that she's beautiful, skinny, and overall an amazing person that she was everyone's favorite person. It obviously broke my heart I couldn't let it show. Once I left the place I cried over and over I couldn't understand why me??? I have done everything for this man I cook, clean, I am great with his kids, I respect his family, I gave my body, heart and soul for the first time to this person and now all this. I am obviously breaking up this relationship it's too much pain. Before all of this was said I was invited to his sister in law's house for New Year's Eve in which they are doing secret Santa, which I was involved before hand, what should I do now about this situation?? I am never falling in love with a person in that situation again especially with Armenian or anything similar to it, I would always hear stories about what now I am going thru, how they only marry their own etc...I didn't want to believe it, I was blinded by love, I am still crying as we speak :(
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divorce, ex-wife, move on, sister in law, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): My dear, never say never. The heart has a mind of its own.You just have to make sure your mind guides your feelings and emotions in the right direction. Don't leave your heart on autopilot. It could slam into a wall.My mother is Native American. Her family took awhile to accept my father, of a different heritage. His sisters were snooty and condescending to my mother; because of her poor and simplistic background. Her family fully embraced their indigenous ways. My mother's father was a successful self-made businessman; but my dad's sisters didn't care. They thought they were better. They never knew poverty, and all have formal educations. They also believe in marrying "your own kind."My parents got married, and didn't give a hoot. My mother said she was so discouraged and afraid of dad's family; she nearly turned my dad's proposal down. Had that happened, I wouldn't be writing this. Her parents would never have realized what a wonderful son-in-law my dad would be.Your current situation is unfortunate; but not altogether unforeseen. It's always risky when you cross ethnic lines.You're no stranger to that. You are old enough to have experienced discrimination and prejudice at some point in your life, for being Hispanic.You can't take the words of a child to heart. They are brutally honest. Sometimes culturally; the delivery of the truth is less digestible through rough-translation. Even if the person is fluent in the language used. The cushioning isn't there, due to language-barriers. I think that young lady had a nasty disposition behind her words.His family is comparing a girlfriend to a wife. Not on the same plain to start with. They "learned" to love her. She had her only obstacles to overcome. She's apparently a tough act to follow; regardless of her ethnic origins. Some things may have been added by the young lady just to add more poisonous sting; from her own personal perspective.In time, your pain will subside. You will see things differently; but you will add caution before jumping in feet-first. There will be risk, no matter what race or nationality. However; foreign-joined/interracial relationships, carry a very heavy burden; when it comes to the joining of family and tradition. Crossing the lines of race, religion, and politics. Just having the same or similar racial characteristics isn't enough.Just learn more about the ways of other ethnic groups; before becoming emotionally attached to men of a totally different culture, from another country. You must hold a man responsible for letting you know how far their intentions go. You must be wise enough to guard your feelings; early on the relationship, if not before. To determine where you stand with him and his family. You must have a full and working knowledge of "his" belief systems.With any man, you need to know if you're on the same page where the relationship is heading. Devoting four years to find this out is devastating. However; you have to hear it from him! Set your relationship-clock accordingly. So you can move on, when it has become stagnant; or if it is not heading the direction you wanted. He has to keep you updated as the relationship is progressing. Presume you're just his girlfriend; until you're tired of it, and decide you deserve more. You are the master of your own fate here.I think you didn't want to face this aspect of it; assuming they would love you, in spite of all differences. You just wanted to have him in your life; and ignored all the obstacles before you. He left you in the fog for his own selfish reasons. You expected his protection and full devotion in return. If a partner's cultural traditions don't overlap your own heritage even in the slightest way; be prepared for the extreme differences to form a gap. Believe me, my parents cultural backgrounds are different as night and day.We, their children, bridged many of those gaps. It was not easy.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2013):
 I'm glad you have opted to end it now.
what I would do is be a CLASS ACT and go to him and explain to him that while you love him you can no longer continue with him as you need marriage and he is unable to give it to you. GIVE him the gifts you have purchased for the SS for his family and ask him to distribute it for you.
Go out with your head high and know that you are doing the right thing.
hugs to you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 December 2013):
It sounds like you've reached a sort of deal breaker point. The bottom line is that if you're not happy and have no long term commitment, then what's the point?
I hope this doesn't sour you on dating other cultures. Not everyone is like this. And really, it's not that there's something wrong with you, it could just be the language issue for his parents.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 December 2013):
 In my opinion, it's of little importance WHAT is this man's background/culture/religion. The REAL issue is a guy who spends 7-1/2 years with a woman... and continually balks at indicating that HE thinks that their "relationship" is never-ending.... After 2738 days.... wouldn't you think a guy would KNOW if he's met - and is spending time with - the woman of his dreams?????
My "advice" is almost always the same in such a case.... To wit: Decide if YOU want to continue coasting along, like this, forever.... OR, do you want to be with a man who is more interested and dedicated to YOU????
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Lieutenant  +, writes (16 December 2013):
That's such a hurtful and painful thing to go through and I feel for you. This is certainly a lesson for a lot of women; if your aim is marriage, after a max of 3 years and he's not saying anything, time to start looking elsewhere. I think the best thing to do is to just tell him that you will not be attending the new year's party because obviously you've broken up with him (or you will be if you haven't told him yet). I think it's really brave that you have decided to move on; because a lot of women are weak and will stay in the situation for probably another 7 years and then become really bitter when the man says to them what they've already known all along i.e. he has zero intentions of marrying them. (I know of someone who was "engaged" to a man for 21 years, yes that's 21 years". 21 years later, the man decides he really doesn't want to marry the woman and at 47, he goes to get a 26 years old gf, leaving the woman high and dry).Once again, I really empathise with you. But it's much better that you figured out now that it's time to move on now than later. In everything, there is always a lesson learned; so consider your almost 8 years with this guy as not wasted years, but as years spent learning.
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