A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've known my girlfriend for about ten years in total, I've known her family longer than that. Four months ago we got back in contact for the first time in eight years and things went from friendship to more quite quickly because of the history we have together. In these four months we've had so many ups and downs over various things, most notably her ex's interfering in our relationship, and one ex in particular (father of her kids) stressing her out. For about six weeks the father of her kids has made promise after promise to spend weekends with the kids but for one excuse or another he's let them down and as a result it's upset the kids. Recently my girlfriend put her foot down with him and told him he's not seeing the kids anymore because she won't keep seeing them broken hearted when he fails to come to take them for the weekends. She said she wants all the kids clothes back from his house and also his set of door keys to her house (they used to live together he never returned the keys when they split), and apparently he said he doesn't care. At this point she also asked me to move in with her and her kids because she wants to take the relationship to the next level and be a proper family. Things have been going well since then but last weekend the ex phoned her asking to see the kids and she told him no and he hung up the phone on her. Instead of leaving it there though she went and text him a really horrible message which I thought was unnecessary considering she already made the situation clear to him. Well come this weekend he phoned her again asking to see the kids and oddly enough my girlfriend had a change of heart, negotiated with him and agreed to let him see the kids. Naturally I'm going to think what a stupid thing to do so I ask her why she agreed after all the drama and upset he's caused her and the kids, and she said because she needs help with the kids and the kids need both parents in their life (which he's clearly not played his role on that so far despite given so many chances) and that if I've got a problem with it then I can leave, because as the father of her children he will always mean more to her than me and our relationship. Now let me make it clear for a few weeks after me and her met up again, he had collected the kids and had them stay with him for the weekends and I've not got an issue with this whatsoever, but what bothers me is 1: how she's even giving him the benefit of the doubt again after everything he's done, and 2: the hurtful way she made me feel so useless and unwanted in her and the kids lives, when all I was doing is expressing my concerns and trying to make her realise sense. I've only been in their lives four months, but in that time I've made a huge improvement in their lives I've always supported them/us the best I can and I've always been their when and where I'm needed for her and her children, and compared to a dead beat father, this is how I get repaid? We broke up over this and I've gone to stay with my mother. I phoned her earlier today to apologise if I overreacted last night, and I agree no father should be left to abandon his responsibility to his kids and I understand her want for her kids to have both parents in their lives, but after what he's put them through and her making the right decision to put her foot down with him, not to mention asking me to take a serious step like moving in with her and the support I've given, I feel like I've been slapped in the face and laughed at by her. We spoke briefly then she said she must get off the phone now because he's at her door to collect the kids and she will phone me later. She never phoned me, instead I received a text message saying "you've got issues and the relationship is over. Don't contact me again you're not spoiling my good night and take care". Now I'm at a loss? What do u do now? I've done nothing but support her and the kids unlike that useless waste of space father of her kids, or anyone else for that matter and this is how I get repaid. We often fall out as I mentioned over various things mostly her ex and it's always on weekends strangely enough. Come the start of the new week she contacts me being apologetic and sincere and says she loves me and I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her and her kids and she will do everything it takes to make our relationship stronger and make it work. I do love her and I have done for a very long time, but I don't know if this is something that can be overcome or this is just habit for her to push guys away in relationships and then call them back when it suits her. I know she has bipolar and she has medication for it but she often skips it unless she feels really stressed out and then she will take it.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 December 2014):
 First, it would be helpful if you broke down these long posts into smaller paragraphs. It would make it easier for us to refer back to specific points you've made when answering. Second, your OPINION is not LAW. Children need their fathers, and mothers do not have the right to sever those relationships, whether he's paying child support or not and no matter how unpleasant he is to her. It might seem like they do but that is only because a lot of men choose not to challenge it and those who do have to wait for their day in court.And for someone who has the least at stake, you seem to have the strongest opinions. When things get too much for you, you have the luxury of being able to walk away. Your girlfriend, her ex and their children cannot. They will forever have ties to one another and the two of them have to iron out some kind of workable plan. So my advice to you is to tone it down and respect the boundaries. Not with an angry silence, but by supporting the decisions your girlfriend makes and encouraging a more positive approach.From where I sit you and her ex are very much alike. You both have a lot to say about one another and what she should or shouldn't be doing. And you're both convinced that you're in the right. You're like a couple of book ends with her squished in the middle. Her stress is caused by the two of you, not by some chemical imbalance in her brain. And you're preoccupation with her taking medication has nothing to do with what's good for her, but what's convenient for you. It doesn't solve her problems, it just makes her easier to control and you two easier to bear. No one likes to be nagged and lectured 'for their own good' so cut it out. And nevermind talking to her father. The last thing this woman needs is to be undermined even more than she already is by yet ANOTHER MAN and his opinions. As for moving in with her, that was a decision you BOTH made so don't try to put this all on her. You can't have it both ways. You can't trust her only when it suits you, then blame her afterward when it doesn't pan out. Regardless of what she believed or said at the time, you're a grown man capable of reading a situation and making your own decisions. My suggestion to your girlfriend regarding the visitations is agree to whatever arrangements he makes, provided they also work for her, but have a back up plan in case he's a no show. That way she and the kids aren't out out too much and she won't have all that extra anger at him. She could also warn him that you all will be going out at such and such time so he'll have to pick the kids up beforehand if he wants to see them, otherwise you'll just bring them with you. Be matter of fact as if she were talking to a trusted friend. If she behaves differently, chances are he will too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2014): What right does a stranger have to stop kids from seeing their father? I'm sorry but you overstepped your boundaries here. Whatever problems she had, it is her prerogative to maintain contact with the father of her children- unless he is abusing them or harming them in some way.
You two are not compatible. Let it go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2014): I didn't know she had bipolar until about a month into the relationship when she told me she had an illness. After that she got medication for it and I did do some research on it. I could have just walked away but we had fallen in love in the past, for another none related and irrelevant reason, we broke contact with each other. I realise how unpredictable and damaging bipolar is not just in relationships but in the general lives of those who suffer from it and those close to those who suffer from it. Before she got her medication she made a sincere promise that she would take her medication and get well for the sake of all involved in her life, including me, and of course I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I admit she hasn't made much progress but admitting she has a problem is the first step many can't take. She told me some time ago her medication makes her feel unwell and I explained to her it will just be temporary side effects until her body gets used to the medication. One of the points I made previously is that she seems fine during the weeks, so I guess this is when she takes her medication, on weekends she becomes tense and stressed and moody and I guess this is when she avoids taking her medication. Figuring out why this is, is proving a nightmare to me. I'm 30, she's 22 years old I don't think I'm immature but yes when we are together and things are good, we make each other feel like teenagers again and we do sometimes act immature together, but I think we both know what we want in each other when she's in a stable and rational frame of mind. I'm aware it was probably 80-90 percent too soon to move in with her, I've acknowledged that in my previous follow up comment. I did ask her to think and think again if she's sure about it, and I told her I wasn't comfortable until I knew she was sure and I could be secure and confident in her decision to have me move in. She insisted yes and was in a rational frame of mind at that time. I have considered all this drama is a result of her mot taking medication but it's not that she doesn't take it period, she does take it, just maybe not every day as she should. I've made gestures in a light hearted manner that I'm going to make sure she takes her medication each day, even if that means I stand their and watch her until she shallows it I will. That doesn't go down too well with her as she thinks I'm treating her like a child when I say this. I explain to her it's for her own good and her children's sake and she rolls her eyes in response. I've slowly begun to move my stuff out and took some bit by bit each time we fall out and I walk. The only other thing I can think of to make a difference is speaking to her father, he is as concerned for her and the kids welfare/if not more, as I am too, and she's closer to her father than her mother so she listens to him more than her mother. Her father is always the one she turns to when we fall out and he tells her to keep taking her medication and to contact me when she calms down to see of we can fix things again. I love her so obviously if I feel there's a chance we can make it in this relationship I will see an opportunity to make the effort to build things back up. Don't get me wrong, this is a bad situation but we do have our good times and when we do they are brilliant we are great together, everybody had said we make a perfect couple because they know the story behind our love. I guess I came here to vent out my feelings on this and get a little insight from the outside, but ultimately I know as a last resort I should walk away if things do not improve. I am a strong willed, persistent and determined individual and I'm not ready to give up just yet on her, but as one person I cannot keep this relationship alive as much as I want to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2014): Hi and thanks for the replies. I'm the original poster of the question.When we first got into contact again, it was with the intention of only being friends, but when we did meet in person again it was her who initiated more by talking about old times and old feelings she had/still has for me now, and how she's never forgot how nice a guy I am and how kind i always was to her all them years ago. And because the feelings were mutual those years ago i knew given the chance it wouldn't take much for me to fall in love with her again. Just chatting on the phone to her brought back so many memories it was like no time had past and nothing had ever changed. I did know also that she had two children and that the father was (at the time) seeing them on a regular basis (weekends), so out of respect I did keep my distance while he was collecting and dropping them off back home. I think it was too soon to move in and I said to her i don't want to move in with her until she's certain and sure she and the kids are ready and that the ex won't have an issue with it. At this point the ex already knew of my existence and was becoming difficult towards her and her children and being spiteful about seeing the kids hence he began to let them down and break the arrangement. She told me she had a chat with him on the phone about this and she told him she doesn't want or need him in hers or the kids lives anymore because he's useless and a let down and he's childish and immature if all this is because she has a new man in her life. That she wants all clothes and toys that belong to the kids back from his house and she wants the spare set of door keys back to her house, and apparently he said "whatever I don't care". This is the point she asked me to move in with her. As for her illness everybody including her father told her she needs to get medication to treat it because it won't help matters if she doesn't, so low and behold she did and after we had a falling out that weekend she phoned me apologising and explaining how she's been to the doctors and has been taking her meds and she feels great in herself. Things were ok for a while then I notice gradually her moods returned and every single weekend (Friday usually) she would flip out, she would either do something to irritate me or become nasty and insensitive and I'd walk away and leave her to calm down and all hell would break loose over the weekends. Then come the end of the weekend/beginning of the new week she would always be calm and happy and sincere and apologetic and want to give the relationship another go. The only reason for this I can think is because on the weekends she feels she's missing out on whatever the father of the kids might be doing, while she's stuck at home with the kids when he used to have them. The reason I became so irritated the last couple of Fallings out we had is because she swore to me that she does feel ready for me to move in and there would be no awkward atmosphere between her, me and the father of her kids plus the kids already took a shine to me (more than they have her other ex previous) because he's out of their lives for good now. I did say to her three or four times I will only move in IF she's sure it's right and there will be no more arguments or falling outs between us and she insisted it is the right time. But then going back on her word and allowing the father of the kids to see them again and collect and drop them off from and back at the house knowing she will only ask me to leave when while he arrives after asking me to move in and have all my belongings there is taking the liberty as far as I can see. This could all have been avoided if she had a second thought and told me it's too soon to move in actually and we should wait, but she didn't and now I feel used and messed about. I'm the bad guy while her and her ex are on friendly terms again. I know there isn't a way back this time because nothing will ever change. She's been saying she's going to cancel the personal arrangement for the ex to see the kids so many times when he's let them down and everybody advised her to arrange supervised visits through the courts instead but she just does her own thing regardless of what's reasonable or not. It's Sunday today she hasn't contacted me so far. But if last weekends performance is anything to go by then either tonight or tomorrow I'll be receiving phone calls and texts from her wanting to talk things out. I think I've already made my mind up that I'm going to tell her where to stick the relationship because I don't deserve to be dragged into such chaos and treated this way. Thanks for the replies.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 December 2014):
 I was about to say it sounds like she's got some mental problem going on. And there, bam, at the very end you mention this IMPORTANT fact: she is mentally unstable, she's got a personality disorder for which she OCCASIONALLY takes her medication.
You wonder why she blows hot and cold? Because she's got a personality disorder. She can't tell right from wrong in these moments, she can't tell if what she's doing is an overreaction or appropriate response. Because of her illness, and without medication, she's got no clue. Her mood swings drastically. You need to READ UP about bipolar personality disorder and take it seriously, because bipolars are a whirlwind, and often are not able to maintain a relationship (especially if they are not medicated). Her bipolar personality disorder explains her actions quite well, so no need to wonder why she does this or that or gets into fight with you. She's not mentally well, thats why! You need to respect her illness and understand it, because if you did then you'd not be on here asking why she does this and that. Her illness explains it all.
Before you jump into a "proper family" relationship with her, you need to be an adult and THINK about what you're doing, BEFORE you do it. I am sorry if this is harsh, but you've behaved like a teenager. You can absolutely NOT, after just 4 months, LIVE with her and her children. You do NOT know her. You've been her friend for years, but that does not count as knowing what it is like to be in a RELATIONSHIP with her. Friendship and intimate relationship are two different things. She's not mentally stable, something you were also aware of, but FAILED to take into consideration when entering a relationship with her. You have not understood her condition, otherwise you'd not be here asking why she does this and that.
What you need to do now, before you do anything else, is to read up about bipolar personality disorder, find out more about her medication and how often she takes it, preferably have a good talk with her about this. THEN decide if/how you can live with her in your life as a girlfriend. It might not be possible for you. You need to figure this out. Then you can be in a relationship with her BUT NOT LIVING TOGETHER until you've actually been in a solid relationship for some time with NO breaking ups and being told to get out of her life.... For your own sake, and the sake of her kids, do not enter a yo-yo live-in relationship with her. Things need to be stable between the two of you before you should even consider it.
This means, if you're already living there, get your stuff and move out. Living together is premature for this relationship, and quite honestly irresponsible. There are kids involved, you can not act like an irresponsible teenager, you need to be the adult here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2014): Dude I'd stay clear, this will only repeat itself in the future.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 December 2014):
 Regardless of how long you have known this girl, or her family, after only four months of 'dating' somebody you cant move in with her and her children and expect to be a "proper family".
It takes a whole lot more than being in the same house to be a "proper family". For a start you need to stay out of the family home while you are gradually introduced to the children and have an opportunity to build a rapport and relationship with them.
It is also unrealistic to expect to be able to build a relationship with this girl and her children while there are so many unresolved issues between her and her children's father.
The children should be the first consideration for all in this scenario. Your attitude towards their father is less than desirable, calling him a waste of space does not help.
What you may see as creating improvements in their lives may be viewed by others as you being controlling.
You need to take a step back, and let this family sort out their problems. The first thing this family should be doing is recognizing the mother needs help with her illness and that if she doesn't take medical advise (and the drugs) her kids and relationships will suffer.
The parents of the children need to sort out access arrangements and recognize the importance of regular visits with the dad.
Until this couple are a lot further down the road to getting their shit together than they are now introducing a third person (you) into that mix is only going to make things a whole lot worse and a whole lot harder, especially for the kids.
If she does follow a patten that you have recognized, and she contacts you at the start of the week, I suggest you do yourself and all of them a favour, and not move back until she gets her medical treatment under control, gets the issues with her ex into some semblance of order, and until you have taken the time to build a relationship with the kids, acknowledging this is not the work of a few weeks, but could take a year or so.
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