A
male
age
30-35,
*k-stuf
writes:hello me and my girlfriend have been dating for nearly 5 months and i love her to pieces but she never opens up to me and when i bring it up she laughs and i feel like giving up on this relationship but i would feel bad cause it seems to be over nothing and as i said i really really love her but i jus want to know how she feels how can i get her to open up Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (5 June 2007):
 I can understand where you come from (female anon) when you say about your past experiences. What you need to understand is if that is what is holding you back, you need to express your feelings about this when you feel down about them. This will help him understand you as a person more. It may be hard, but once the ball gets started im sure things might become easier.
My ex had been raped many years ago and had never dealt it. This led her to become fenced in, not letting people near her emotions including myself. She put up a wall of protection, which i understood but this wall kept me out as well. She had turned to smoking cannabis to blot out her continued thoughts about her ordeal.
I do hope your situation is nothing like this, but putting yourself behind any kind of internal barrier will have an effect to those closet to you, to the people who want to care for you and understand you.
Your right tho, everyone is entitled to their amount of privacy, but as long as this doesnt come in between you and the person you care about and the relationship which you want to work than fine.
Talking about things that you find streesful or hard to talk about can eleviate some of the internal struggles and continued forward can help you grow as a person.
Hope this helps and all the best..
R
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2007): Hi thereI am a person who found it very hard to open up to my boyfriend. The main reason is that I didn't think what I had to say would be very interesting or would interest him. One of the ways he gets me to open up is to ask me how I feel about things for example he will ask me about my job and how I feel about the people I work with. Another reason is that I am scared that if he finds out to much about me I won't have my own private space in my head, where I am a rock pianist and a fashion designer. These fantasy's are quite silly but I some how believe that if I don't tell anyone they are more realistic. I ask him what his dreams are, what he'd do if he had a million dollars ect, then I tell him my dreams and he hasn't laughed at me yet.When I am angry I find it hard to open up is because I don't like confrontation. If I have anything negative to say or if he has made me angry, I won't want to say anything because I hate to fight and I'm worried of saying the wrong thing and being a nag. however instead of making it better I am making it worse as I will sit quitly being annoyed which he will pick up on. Instead of asking what is wrong which can lead to confrontation ask her if there is anything particular she would like to do or watch on TV. Then say, "I don't like making you angry, would it make you feel better to talk about it and help me to avoid annoying you". don't make promises you can't keep and do try and work on stuff if there is a problem.Another reason is if a bad thing has happened in your life. I had something very bad happen to me a couple of years ago that messed up a lot of things for me. I still haven't told him all the details because I don't want to think about it and he gets upset. just knowing that he is there for me whatever helps. I just want to leave unpleasent memories behind. If there is something bad in her life don't press the issue as it probably won't help to hear details and she won't want to drag up the past. If she does talk about it just listen and don't rush her.best of luck you sound like a really nice guy and I hope it all works out
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2007): you're only 16. So I doubt this will last very long. But if you think it has a future, just give her time. As long as she isn't lying to you.
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A
female
reader, Variety +, writes (3 June 2007):
 Give her time. I was like this with my boyfriend - not because I didn't love and trust him but because other people had betrayed me when I opened up to them before. She will tell you when something major is going on and she needs someone there for her...and after that she will start opening up. Maybe you could share stuff with her and then ask her what she feels...?If you love her don't give up.xxx
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (3 June 2007):
Her inability to open up to you is and will cause complications further down the line if not faced. I understand that not everyone finds it easy to open up and fully express themselves, however if she says she loves you then she needs to be prepared to learn how to trust you more and express herself to you. As long as you are showing her that you are prepared to lead by example you are setting the standard for her.
I have had experience in this area from a past relationship and in my situation she was unable to express anything to me, yet i stood by her for 4 years and it ended with her still unable to be truthful to me or herself about a number of things.
You need to sure where this relationship is going and how much she is prepared to do for the relationship to evolve. It wont evolve if she refuses to talk to you about how she feels and it will feel like a one-sided thing where you throw everything into the pot and get out nothing.
You can only do so much for people like this, their inabilities to express may stem from a past experince or how they have bought up, but she should be willing to see how this will end up.
I wish you all the best in finding some way to her heart and getting her to open to you.
R
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