A
male
age
51-59,
*azi
writes:Last summer/early fall, I started to suspect that my wife's attention was elsewhere. Especially concerning a really good friend of ours. This guy is in the middle of a terrible divorce with a wife that is being diagnosed with serious personality disorders, etc. He's quite miserable. He lives half the country away from us, and all our contact is via IM and email.I confronted my wife with my suspicions. She said that, yes, she's in love with this man. She insists that she is still very much in love with me and has no intention to ruin our marriage, etc. She claims that nothing I did caused this, and that there is nothing in her eyes wrong with our relationship. She also claims that she just felt a connection with our friend, and it grew into love, and that these feelings are somehow -at the moment- right for her.I also found out that my best friend is also in love with my wife. He feels guilty about it, but has no intention of ending it.My wife and I are talking about this when time permits, even though no one is changing their beliefs about all of this. My friend and I have cut off our friendship: I just can't carry on with him knowing he's in love with my wife.I am wracked with guilt, paranoia, jealousy, etc. I don't know if my wife with me when we are together, or if she's thinking of this other guy. Despite her claims that nothing in our relationship caused this, I am constantly thinking that there really must be some cause for it. I feel that if I separate from her (I love her dearly and don't really want that), I would just hurt her. I feel if I insist on her not contacting this man, that I hurt her and him. If I cut off my friendship with him, I hurt him and her.Do I just bite my lip and let this work itself out, or is there some more proactive solution? I'm having a very hard time living with this.
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female
reader, ocean of bad luck  +, writes (8 February 2008):
Sympathizing with your friend is not going to help your situation. He has still betrayed you by having this kind of relationship with your wife, and not having lots of friends is not an excuse. I think you may be better off keeping away from him and letting him deal with his "messy" situation himself. the way he is acting with your wife makes me wonder if he doesn't deserve a messy divorce? and your wife needs to stop having any contact with him if your marriage is to work. if she can't even do that much for her husband and the father of her son, i don't think you'll ever be happy with her anymore. and even though you may be unhappy leaving her, that would only be until you move on to something better in life, and it will come! if she is not prepared to work on your relationship and to make you happy when you are showing readiness to accept her even after what she has done, then she simply isn't worth it at all.
A
male
reader, mazi +, writes (8 February 2008):
mazi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should also add that we've been together 18 years and have a 6 year old son. we also both care a lot about this friend that my wife is now "in love" with. I often wonder if her feelings for him are based strongly on empathy for his very miserable situation. we both are strong support for him in his bad times, as he has few friends, etc. Sigh! quite a situation!
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A
female
reader, shelleyanne +, writes (8 February 2008):
 Break it off with your wife. It will be hard, but you deserve a women who is all there for your relationship. In the end I believe everyone will be happier. I also think your wife is deluded in believing she can truly spread her love between the two of you. The guilt, paranoia, and jealousy are going to stay with you as long as the two of you are together. A clean break seems like it would be best.
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