A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Question: What should I do from now on?So my gf broke up with her ex (personA), whom she had been with for 3 years. The reason why she broke up with him was because she had a fight with him, and he said something mean when he was purposing to marry her after 3 years, after he ex purposed he went to another country to continue his education. And during these time she fell in love with another guy (personB). Afterward she went out with this personB, but personB doesnt like her, so he broke up with her.During these time, she lost contact with personA, she nor personA's family know where he went.This is where I come in, I know personB and her so i was trying to fix thing for them and comfort her (stupid and retarded idea). During these time i fell in love with her, so i started chasing after her. After 1.5 months, we started going out, our relationship went lightning speed, we started kissing already on the first day we went out, we started living together on the third day.Now it been around 3 months already, we had fightss, she always compare me with personA, saying how they are perfectly matched, and I am not. In the first to second months i was always able to comfort her, saying romantic stuff that make her feel really goods. But afterward i couldnt take it anymore and I started to defensive from the stuff she says to me. (skipping details)Now what i know is: -We still have sex, quite a lot.-personA disappeared, and she want to find him and find out what had happened, i supported her in that too, cause I know she need to sort it out with her ex in order to move on and make a decision(damn this is so hard to talk about, as it hurts just thinking about it)-she still love her ex and might go back to him, I knew about this on the third week we started going out. She cried and told me about it, but during that time I told myself this: "why does it matter? I promised myself I will never make her cry, if I break up with her she is going to break down, cause she is depended on me. And beside if I truly love her I should stay with her and wait with her until her ex come back and take her back. During these time i will try my best not to fall deeper in love" This was stupid, I ended up falling more in love with her.-(note she is extremely selfish), one of our "talks", she told me she is in love with me and her ex, she doesnt know what to do. She even went so far as to say if law permit she would marry me and her ex. Right when i heard that I laughed, then my mouth was wide open and emotionless. I laughed becuase i thought it was a joke, but then i realize she was being serious....How I feel right now, this should be more direct as I skipped a lot of detail about our fights and talks-She loves me, but since she been with personA for a long time (and first love), she made personA into a idol, so he is the "perfect" model to her, and since me and personA are different people.. you get the picture... -she loves her ex more than me, but since he disappeared she doesnt know if he will even take her back. So i m like a backup or something.F**K I SWEAR TO GOD, I am a not a bad bf, I cook for her, I take great care of her, I do romantic stuff for her, If she is sick I make sure she recover, I always give her massages, i do stuff she wants. i honestly dont deserve these crap. I am a simply person, I treat others good, then if they treat me good, I will treat them even greater. But what happens here is I gave my heart, she took it, pee on it, shit on it, raped it, then throw it back to me while saying "I truly love you a lot, and i know you know it, the person I love the most is you". And thats all it take to make Mr. retarded here to continue loving her.... it hurts... when I think about how much she love her ex and not willing to let go of him. I know this is stupid, childish and irrational, but what I have in mind right now is:I am going to love her even more, I will make her fall in love with me even more. Then i will dump her, and force her to make a decision, me or the ex. And the final decision will be mine. I know this is stupid and i might end up hurting myself even more, but thinking this way did make me feel better, and I can continue staying with her. And after seeing and talking with her ex. She might realize I am better and come back to me.o btw this is my first relationship.sorry this is so messy and long, I just typed down what I was thinking.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea you are exactly right!! I know already that she is the type that only learn when she loses something. You hit it right on target. But then I don't know any way to make her realize, beside maybe breaking up with her. We actually almost did it the other day. I was the one that suggested it, but only because i had a feeling that she isn't happy with me and she actually want to break up. In the end we both cried saying we don't want to break up. (don't know if i mention this before, but she cries a lot.*I just deleted a few short paragraphs that I typed. I am just going in circle, there's really nothing more anyone can help me now. I guess I will just go with the flow and see if everything will work out*thanks "female reader" for listening to me and giving me advices. Even if the advices don't work out the way we hope it will in the end, at least I know someone understand how I feel.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 March 2011):
 She has some growing up to do. I don't know why you are still discussing her ex. He's gone. To me she's only doing that to provoke you because she feels that jealousy is a sign of love. Maybe your response to her can be "sorry I am not interested in a polyamory type of marriage, although I would love to have two wives myself but it just wouldn't work in actuality." You are loving her now as long as the need is still there but I can tell the more she goes on with her annoying ways you will lose the attraction for her and it would be too late for her to realize you are a great catch, and the next guy won't treat her like a princess. She can't take your love for granted. She needs to know that you will indeed leave her if there is no reciprocity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyea.. maybe that would work, I think i will give it a try, hope it work out in my case. Do I show her the list though? I am a bit confusedupdates:lol I can't believe something she said the other day... we were arguing about something then she said something like "if I could marry two guys, i would marry both of you" hahahahah I literally laughed at that time, I was seriously thinking it was a joke. Then I was shocked realizing that she was actually serious. Now don't get the wrong idea thinking that she was saying it because she was angry. Imagine this: a small spoiled child with a innocent and similing face telling his mother "Mommy you said I can only choose one, but I cant choose between these two toys for my birthday gift, but you can buy me both!!". wow.... just beautiful... what a great, loving and honest girlfriend!!! Thank you god for this wonderful girlfriendshe is always picky about stuff too, like how sometimes i eat with my head down (she does that sometimes too), how i talk really loud with my friends, how i am naive, etc etc. Do you see the picture here? I will sum it up for you:-she loves both me and ex-she broke up with ex because of a misunderstanding and she fell in love with another guy (not me, personB)-ex disappear, ex MIGHT take her back, she still have to find out-ex is like a god to her (*facepalm*, seriously if she can she would build a statue of him and worship him everyday)-she keep complaining about my personality, my way of life, etcI can only come up with ONE conclusion: She will leave me for him if he does take her back. I told her about this conclusion, she gave me this "that might not be true...." isnt she a great girlfriend? =) how cute~Then she would ask me this crap "how much chance do u think you have? how much chance do u think my ex have?" she wants me to commit but she won't commit to anything. She also cried when she asked me what I would do if she leaves me. My answer was I would wait for her until I could forget her, but i won't wait for her forever. She cried right there, she expect me to wait for her even if she were to go out with another guy, or if she marry someone, she expect me to wait forever.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (21 March 2011):
Next time she talks about marriage, tell her you enjoy being with her but need time to think about it. There is a lot of what's wrong, what should be. You need to have more fun and create some fond memories so when there are bad times you can recall on them. The fighting really is about not feeling loved enough. Instead of asking for more love you fight about irrelevant things. Write down a list of expectations in order for you to be fulfilled in a relationship. An example would be 1. I like a woman to dress up for me. 2. I like massages. 3. I like fine cuisine. 4. After she has kids I want her to work this amount of hours.
In return you would do this this for her.
You can refuse to take part in any of the ex conversations. Only talk about what connects you both. Life is too short to spend quality time dwelling in the past.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): @janniepeg: First of all thanks for the reply.
What she told me was that she didnt realize how good personA is until now, and she regret going out with personB.
She keep telling me to marry her soon, and she want baby with me, what i think is that she is just insecure, she is around 23, and most girls want to get marry before 30, for her she want to get marry before 25. And she only have a mom, and their relationship is not good at all. So she depends on relationship, and what i think is that i just so happen to appear when she need a relationship to depend on. I could have been any other guy....
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (21 March 2011):
She says she loves her ex. What you wrote here shows that her love wasn't that deep. She should be supporting her ex's dreams to go to school abroad, and then find ways to move to that country so she could be with him, like applying for scholarship, take some classes, or just be a companion and cook for him. He proposed to her, showing her that he has long term plans. Then he contradicted himself by just disappearing. She couldn't deal with the emptiness so she falls in love with another guy. I think guy B is smarter not to deal with an almost engaged woman.
When her ex comes back and finds out what she did (even if no one told him he would find out eventually). He wouldn't take her back and that doesn't mean you and her will be happy anyway. People do grow and change. She may or may not love you in the future. You made your decision to love her so do your best as long as your patience allows. Being bitter doesn't really help.
In my honest opinion, no one is really loving anybody. The reality is that as of now she is not ready for any serious relationship. Love her for the person she is now because after a few years she will be a different person, and so will you. You love by accepting what is, at the moment, and not force things because you want it now. It took me two years for my boyfriend to love me the way I want him to.
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