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male
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anonymous
writes: HiMy gfriend of two years has alot of male friends that she contacts thru msn messenger. I suspected she had met up with this one guy so i asked her and she said no she hadnt....turns out after asking her again she has met him twice while away on business. She said she was worried at how i would react if she told me...i'm a very easy going guy so this didnt make sense to me. The fact she has lied has made me very paranoid and i have told her how i feel, she assures me there is nothing goin on but i cant get it out of my head. Am i wrong to not trust her completely? If there was nothing to hide why couldnt she tell me she was meeting up with this guy? ahhhhh i'm confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Irish49, yr advice has helped alot.
Martini, i appreciate wot yr saying but at the end of the day i wouldnt be feeling the way i am if she didnt lie...i had no reason to freak out if she had just told me she was meeting up with a m8 in the first place.
thanks peeps
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): No, you aren't wrong to distrust her. For many people, this is something very serious that tells them a lot about the character of the person they care about. You have core values about trust and committment and she is not in step with that. If she chose to break the boundaries of trust with you by lying, she has no right to stand outside of them, expecting you to give her unconditional acceptance, in this relationship. She didn't tell you about the guy she was meeting, because she was afraid of your reaction. So what do you do? You tell her, if this relationship is to continue on, she needs to be open and truthful with you, even when the truth is hard. Tell her to 'get rid' the male contacts on MSN Messenger. This is something that will gnaw at you if she continues these friendships, online. And it's pretty obvious she tends to be 'tempted' by some of these guys I'm not saying she can't have male friends, but these friend should be people, you both know and socialize with. That is what couples do, they blend two lives together and they make a point of knowing each other's friends. I would also tell her, she has to make huge efforts to rebuild the trust with you that was lost. I would observe her behaviours and very slowly make her earn the trust back. Obviously, her unthinking behaviours and lies has shaken you. To be caught in a lie is one thing, but to owe up to a lie on her own, apologize and to rebuild the trust is a way for her to build a good strong character and to prove to you that she is trustworthy. Be prepared to set boundries with her or walk away because if your relationship continues this way, you will continue to feel taken for granted which causes resentment. So..set boundries and ask for what you want. Be upfront with her. And when the time is right, make the choice to trust her again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): If you can't trust her, then leave her. You are not confused. It's a simple dilemma to solve, or you can give her and you some time to see if you can trust her again.
The thing is, it's possible she didn't tell you because she knew you would freak out. It's possible that you are an insecure person. Further, it's also possible to be easy-going and insecure at the same time. They're different aspects of a person.
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