A
male
age
41-50,
*dx1983
writes:HiMy current girlfriend and i have been going out officially now since October 13th 06 but we have been talking online since May 06.We get along so well and have 95% of things in common and we are both very much in love and cant bare to be apart from each other.She left her husband and a longer term relationship of 9 years for me and she finally moved out of the house which her husband and her shared in December 06 and got her own place, although he did find out she was leaving in october time and agree to let her stay until she found somewhere which was about 6/7 weeks or so.Since moving out she has had constant text messages and contact with her Ex...he would send text messages and online messages saying the usual, i love you etc etc and even sent photos of 'himself' when drunk.I did let this go for a long while because i was aware that you cant just break 9 years of a relationship like that but i said this had to stop because it wasnt fair that she allowed him to send all this stuff and make her feel more guilty and she said she would speak to him and deal with it but that she would like them still to be friends.Now recently i found out that this problem is still going on and that she was infact lieing to me, after i asked her had this stopped she said yes and that she didnt have anymore contact with him....i found out otherwise and we had a huge argument where i confronted her and told her i knew she was lieing to me.To cut a long story short, were still together and she has promised to stop lieing to me and has cut all contact with her Ex but there will always be that doubt there now....how can i deal with this and stop myself getting paranoid that she could be lieing to me? not just about this but other things too?Thanks (sorry its so long also)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): no you should not trust her give her various task to do to see if she really loves you or even care that you have feelings, trust is something that you have to earn not get right away just because you say "i'm being honest" doesn't mean anything if you lied. i dealt with the same probelm many many times before from the same girl and she lied over and over untill one day i just started paying attention to what she was saying and then i asked her again later down the line in the relationship when it would be odd to bring that situation up again and analyze what she said the first time and if it doesn't make sense then you know she is lieing... i hope you can work this situation out i hope you don't have to go through what i went through
A
female
reader, judesadude  +, writes (22 February 2007):
It is hard to get the trust back, but there's not much you can do. The kiss with the random stranger probably isnt relevant. I know it seems like something you should be concerned about, but she would have been very confused back then. If she had known she was leaving her ex anyway, she's likely to have thought that it didnt matter what she did, she was already betraying him. But now she's made a commitment to you, and so wont feel like this anymore.It's hard not to become paranoid, but you just have to try to trust her. Don't check in with her all the time or she'll end up feeling stifled and trapped. If you can, try to have some alone time with her, away from everything else. Maybe go away together. This will help you feel more relaxed with her again.Don't let your imagination get the best of you, everything will work out. Talking with her will help as well, it's better than going through it alone. She'll feel better if she knows what you're thinking
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A
male
reader, pdx1983 +, writes (21 February 2007):
pdx1983 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so what has come up in conversation now is the fact i made her choose between me and her Ex...
My gf says that i was happy after she chose to cut all contact with her Ex but she wasnt happy about it and i think she resents me now because i basically asked her to cut contact with him.
I was sick of the threesome situation we were in where it was me and her and her ex in this relationship....was i wrong to ask her to choose? does she still have feelings for him even though she says she doesnt love him anymore?
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A
male
reader, pdx1983 +, writes (21 February 2007):
pdx1983 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply, its very helpful.
I did tell her that i would sort it out and deal with it and she said "do what you want to do" not in a nasty way though and we have spoken about it in detail....which is why she now has no contact with him and has blocked his number from her phone and instant messages (which i know is true).
Im just worried that if she has lied to me already when she swore she would never do....how do i know if shes telling me the truth about other stuff in future?
It seems like now i know shes lied to me i find myself getting more paranoid about stuff. For instance im going away for a few days tomorrow and shes going out to a party on saturday, now i know she wouldnt cheat on me when i think rationally but theres all these thoughts that have been put in my head now...also ontop of that when me and her were talking a few months back and she was still with her husband (before he found out she was leaving) she went to a party and ended up kissing some random stranger which she told me about....how do i know that wont happen again?
I know its down to trust at the end of the day....but can you ever get the trust back once its been damaged or is this how its gunna be now?
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A
female
reader, judesadude +, writes (20 February 2007):
It's likely that she feels guilty about leaving him and so doesnt want to hurt him further by telling him to back off. Do you know what she says back to him? She may have already told him to leave her alone and he's ignored it. The only betrayal is if she's encouraging it and saying the same things back to him.In the end you have remember that she left her marriage for you. She wanted you more than him. She may have lied to stop you from feeling worried so dont make her feel too bad. Talk it over and ask if you can see what she says to him. You could also talk to her ex, and ask him to stop. He may not appreciate it, feeling like you're getting what you deserve, but it's better than doing nothing
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