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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've been in a romantic relationship nearly 9 months now officially, much longer as friends. We are currently abstinent for religious reasons. We have a lot in common but very different personalities. I care about her very much, even love I think, and I've always treated her well and overtly desired her.Long story short, there is a guy at work that she's told me about that she's attracted to for many reasons. She tells me what she likes about him and that she wants these qualities in me. Things like: flirtatious, communicates frequently, sarcastic sense of humor, etc. I can be a little like all those things, but they're not exactly "me" if that makes sense.I should also note that she (and many, many other females my age) have said that I come off as "asexual". I.e., when i tell them about my past sexual experiences, desires, etc., they say, "it's hard to imagine you having sex," and other such crap.I feel I cannot compete with someone she sees 4x week for 8 hours a day when we only have 1 day off that we share together. I cannot be this man she sees at work.She went out to a coffee shop after work with him recently, and they shared a food item together and flirted. She tells me all this.But then she says I have a lot of qualities she wants in a husband, that she doesn't want to end the relationship, and that she just wants to "figure it [us] out" as to not waste time or hurt me.What the heck am I supposed to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): If she can stick to him that whole time, why cannot she stick to me (esp. when some random guy enters the picture)?She wasn't sexually into you, there was no chemistry, you didn't spark together, look for someone who likes you the same way you like them next time.And relationships fail, not every couple ,not even most couples are compatible, you date until you find someone who fits with you, you didn't fit together. Maybe you will with the next woman in your life, enjoy looking, good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should add that almost all of the time we were friends, she was dating another guy. If she can stick to him that whole time, why cannot she stick to me (esp. when some random guy enters the picture)? I definitely agree that she must have decided weeks ago in her heart to end things.
I should also add that looking back at my journals/diary, I realize there were a bunch of weekends where I was less than loving toward her. I think her issues were finally causing me to slip up (from my normal gentle, loving demeanor) and get frustrated. I'm not perfect. I feel if we cannot handle each others' less-than-perfect times, we probably have a weak chance of having a happy life together.
I'm still very sad about it, but it's easier now to see that this was actually a very amicable ending and generally preserving of everyone's hearts.
Thanks everyone for the advice. Definitely an experience to remember and learn from.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2015): You are NOT giving up too early if she does not reciprocate your feelings.
You are SPARING yourself some major pain down the line.
After all to be "in love" and for it to work, both parties have to be equally interested in the relationship and that is not the case here.
May I add something? It's unrelated,but it may give you clarity.If you've been friends for several years beforehand BUT never actually sexually "consummated" the relationship (you said "abstaining for religious reasons",but that's a pile of lies, IF you've BOTH been sexually active with others before this relationship. It's just an excuse).
It happened with one very-long term friend to me.
Even though he is attractive, I know he is THE greatest guy etc.- I just couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him/ even imagine him in a sexual way!
Why? Coz he was such a good friend!!!
Losing his friendship (potentially in the future, if the relationship did not pan out) would have been WAY more HURTFUL to me than losing any partner to date.
Why? Coz I valued his opinion and his friendship that much, I LOVED him BUT loved him like a BROTHER, thus "WE" never really stood a chance.
He was more like family rather than potential (sexual) partner. I know is not what he may have wanted and I know he has lots of other great qualities that I keep looking for in others, BUT I really can't even imagine him naked etc. It'd be like incest to me.
For me,it's always worked the other way around -from sexual partners to friends (after a break up and over a period of adjustment): YES.
From friends to sexual partners: NO. Never. Not once.
I believe this is why the term "friendzoned" was invented...Some guys approach girls, wanting to be "friends" whilst they actually have other agenda on mind and then when they get treated exactly as friends and nothing else (which was their original/ first approach!!!), get surprised that nothing else can come out of it.
I'm sorry,but if you approach me as a friend=ok,we can be friends. But NOTHING else. If you approach me as something else=yes/no/we will see.
So if you want more-maybe don't start off as friends? It is likely that over time, as things progress,if you are really attracted to each other, you'll become really good friends.
You'll hopefully become a team and best friends. Coz that's what successful relationships are about.
Wish you luck in finding your soul mate! She is out there somewhere, no worries :)
The Nonny
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe said she's sorry for not respecting my boundaries in the relationship. We're both not happy with the way things are. I love her immensely. But for various reasons, she doesn't feel the same about me right now.Ultimately, I decided to end it because I felt I deserved someone who is passionate about me. In addition, we decided that staying together would be emotionally exhausting unless both of us can make a major change to our personalities. We'll be friends afterward, but how close is uncertain. It was a gentle blow, but there's still a very strong part of me that believes I gave up too soon. It's devastating to be friends with someone for several years, fall in love, and then realize she cannot give me what i want. I really believed in us.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the advice.
She admitted that she doesn't treat me as well as she should. I guess it's true, that it's already over in her heart. I will have a talk with her tonight. It's very likely I'll have to end our relationship. It all seems so sudden, and I'm very hurt.
I can handle other guys not respecting our relationship, but I cannot handle when she doesn't respect our relationship by her actions & words. She has a problem with boundaries and this plays nicely into the destruction of our relationship. My friends think I deserve better, and I want desperately to believe them.
Honeypie, she did feel convicted about the date (on the drive there), but obviously she didn't follow her convictions. I don't remember hearing any apology for it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): You love her but she does not even like you back! It all means that you should ease out and date another girl. Love requires reciprocation and since she isn't doing that you are wasting your emotions. Irrespective of how much you like her, if she does not like you back all that is a waste of time. Simply stop having anything to do with her, meet other girls and let her go out of your mind. There is nothing there for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): First, your so called girlfriend is full of ^^^t. Second,don't think for a minute that because you treat someone nice they have to feel a certain way about you. for me it's strange to hear from guys who really think that because they are nice to a woman, a woman is obligated to feel a romantic love toward him. All women must do is to be nice back, but nothing more.This girl tells you that you need to have qualities like that other guy? How old are you guys anyway? It all sound to me like a child play. She likes his sarcastic jokes, then why doesn't she become his girl friend. What is she keeping you around for? I can tell you from my not limited experience that you don't like someone for their qualities. You like someone just because you like them. You might not like sarcasm in one person but like it in another. Love it's a totally different issue than friendship. I like so many guys who were so different from each other, one was straightforward, one was shy, one was very quite, one was outgoing. I like them not because of a certain qualities they possessed but because I liked the spirit, how they made me feel, and chemistry of course.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): She is gently, and oh so carefully; placing you back in the "friend-zone."
Strategically keeping you on-hand as a stand-in; just in-case "coffee-date-guy" doesn't make the right play, show enough interest, or wreck her ego by rejecting her. You're an insurance policy for her ego for the time being. You've been placed on-hold, my friend. You should not allow anyone to put you on the back-burner. If she is admitting that she is technically dating someone else; then have the strength and dignity to remove yourself.
Let's review the qualities that she suggested: "flirtatious, communicates frequently, sarcastic sense of humor, etc."
She is offering you an over-view of the qualities she likes.
Apparently in her mind, you're "just dating." I did notice you called it a "romantic relationship." That somehow remote-reference seems less intimate than straight-out calling her your "girlfriend." You gave a definition of how you're involved; but didn't suggest a definite commitment on her part.
My friend, you can't hold-on to a woman if you're not satisfying her needs. Just being nice to her isn't enough.
That's what she's telling you in so many words. You're feeling all sorts of emotions; apparently they aren't being translated by your actions. Now someone else is supplying those things you lack. She gave you a trial-run, and apparently your probationary-period is reaching the expiration-date. You were probably just a "temp-boyfriend" while she was out searching.
You're a mature and experienced guy. You know that in order to call a relationship "romantic"... that's what it has to be? She is being too crude and insensitive about your feelings. I think you already see the writing on the wall. If you can't step-up your game, the other team wins. The question is, is she even worth the effort?
You can still be yourself. That doesn't mean you can't improve on your style and approach. If women can't see you having sex; and you're a straight-guy? Brother, you're in trouble! They are saying they can't see themselves having sex with you!!!
If you're on the dating scene, you've got to project sexiness and virility. You're a man. Make it obvious. You've got to make them want to indulge in your "manly-charms." If that takes a modernized-haircut and updating your wardrobe ( keep it age-appropriate) to project a little more "umphf" and style; that's not a drastic-change of who you are. Just tweaking and upgrading your sex-appeal is just increasing your animal-magnetism. You have to be more charming. Engage in a charming flirtatious-exchange, and skillfully verbalize your interest in a woman. Avoid stupid pickup lines. Say what comes natural.
Calling you husband-material isn't much of a compliment. It means you're domestic-looking and flat. I don't mean to take the wind out of your sails, but I read her loud and clear. As Honeypie says, I'd walk away!!! I've never met her; but I don't like how she treats you! You seem like a nice-guy. You need a little tweaking, that's all.
If you don't like sitting around wondering where this is going; I suggest you just call it a day, and back-out gracefully with your dignity still intact. Let her gush all over the other guy, and don't let her emasculate you in the process. That doesn't mean you can't take her wise suggestions to improve your dating-appeal. I think humor, offering good conversation, and letting a woman know you find her attractive were good suggestions. If you lack those awesome traits; which are in such high demand these days, you might want to practice and make them more a part of who you are. Being one-dimensional will not attract a lot of people (regardless of gender). So pump the brakes; and think this "romantic relationship" out. You may need to detach.
No one can appreciate what's in your head, you have to "express" your feelings in your words and actions.
You should be loved for who you are; but that doesn't mean you don't need to embrace a few improvements to be more competitive, appealing, and sexy. That's my advice one man to another.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 March 2015):
 Yikes.
Honey, I think she is telling you all this to:
1. soften the blow (she is looking to end your relationship)
2. to let you know that she is keeping YOU as the "spare" in case the other guy doesn't work out.
DO NOT change who you ARE because she thinks "those traits are hot" - if you are not a snarky flirtatious dude by nature, pretending to BE one to please her will NOT work, and it will NOT make her stay or love you more.
And what's next? She wants you to only wear purple? She wants you to only speak French to her, shave your head.... You see where I'm going?
What are you supposed to do? Well, if I were in your shoes I'd sit myself down and figure out IF you are OK with your partner (maybe future) wife flirting with and lusting after co-workers. I'm not saying she can't TALK to male co-worker or befriend them, but what she is telling you is that she went on a "coffee date" with flirting and a beverage. And she is totally OK with that... Would she be OK with YOU doing that with a female co-worker?
And I think you need to consider that she has JUST told you, that you ARE NOT what she wants. (unless you change yourself into someone who you OBVIOUSLY are not)
Is that the woman you want a future with?
You guys have ONLY been dating for 9 months and she is already looking for greener grass (even IF all she is looking for is an ego rub). YOU really think if you got married that would change?
I'm sorry, I'd walk away and find someone who LOVES you for YOU.
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