A
male
age
36-40,
*anield
writes:Hi!I'm 25 years old and have been with my girlfriend for the last 2 years. I really feel she is the love of my life, I have never loved anyone else so much. We get along fine, see eye to eye, everything's perfect. Except... we dont have sex or do anything physical. I've been very patient but frankly, I'm at my wits' end. She will only let me kiss her on the lips - and thats it! There's no touching - at all! Whenever I try to caress her breasts, she pushes me away, says she's not ready yet. I could understand if she simply didnt want sex, but what about making out or giving each other handjobs? She says she loves me and all - and I know she does but I'm getting really frustrated. DO you have any ideas what I should do? She's 20 and a virgin. I'm actually her first boyfriend. Mind you, there are no religious beliefs holding her back, I would totally respect that. I so much want to understand what's her problem and try to help but she wont tell me anything except that she's not ready. I sometimes wonder, doesnt she ever get horny, I get a hard-on just by kissing her. ANyway, sorry for rambling on but I could really really really use some help. Thanks!
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male
reader, danield +, writes (13 February 2011):
danield is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've thought of all the possibilities you mention-and I like none. I've asked her if she had any nasty experiences in the past or if she wants to wait till marriage, the answer was no. As for the rest, I simply cant bring myself to ask. I have been thinking of asking her to see a therapist and that's what I'll do if things dont change pretty soon. I'm climbing the walls here!!
If I ask for a break from our relationship, she will know the reason and will give in. She doesnt want to lose me, so she WILL have sex with me or sth but I dont want it like that. My best friend says I'm too much of a boy scout but when we actually come to doing sth physical I'd want to feel that she wants me too, not that she's doing it not to lose me. Thanks for your answers, hope to get some more.
A
female
reader, TexasTexas  +, writes (12 February 2011):
Hi again,
There is the possibility that she is asexual. Or not attracted to you. Or homosexual. Or she was sexually molested. Or she has bad-body-image issues. Or that she wants to wait until marriage.
There are very good intimacy-counsellors who can help.
If she won't go to see one.....maybe you should "take a break" from each other? I am not advocating breaking up as a solution to her issues, but to YOURS. You are telling her that her needs are more important than yours.
Do you even French-kiss? It sounds more like you are brother and sister.
When you tell her you will wait (forever?), you are telling her that your needs are not as important as hers. It has been 2 YEARS.
"I'm not ready" is not for a 2 yr old relationship. That is a 2-month relationship excuse. You have expressed to her that you want intimacy. YOUR needs are important and valid.
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A
male
reader, danield +, writes (12 February 2011):
danield is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI definitely dont want to break up with her, I cant imagine my life without her. As for all the things you say, been there, done that. I've made it clear to her that I would never ever push her into sex and that it'd be all right with me if it took her another two years to become ready for sex. All I want is some touching for god's sake. I've tried talking to her sensually, not talking to her, touching her the way you mention, we've watched movies with sex scenes together (not porn of course), we've gone dancing, we've gone swimming... Nothing ever happens! I've also tried to pretend to forget about the whole thing. No results! I know that love is not lust, if I didnt I wouldnt have stayed with her for so long. I've had three girlfriends in the past and this is the first time I'm actually thinking about getting married and having a family (she's still too young of course). Anyway, how can I even dream of making her the mother of my children if she keeps avoiding me? I not only feel sexually frustrated but have also totally lost my self-confidence as a man.
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A
female
reader, TexasTexas +, writes (12 February 2011):
2 years is too long if its not religion. Her body should be yearning for you! It is probably all you think about right now.
You should definitely be giving handjobs or self-pleasuring or blowjobs or whatever.
I think you should break up with her. You are wasting lovely years of your sexual life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): Maybe she's afraid that if she starts getting more and more physical with you (handjobs, dry humping etc)then things will escalate until you do expect that she caves in and has sex. 20 is still quite young.Im sure she must get horny (but us girls whether people admit it or not, have always been taught that we should control our urges and guys wont respect us as much if we give in to them).If I were u I wudn't vocalise this issue at this point because she is probably subconciously trying to see whether you're the kind of guy that will love her for the long haul - without any physical enticements from her. Love is not lust/sex I think that guys sometimes mix them togther but a lot of girls see them as seperate things.Id just keep taking cues from how she responds to you, try to learn how to touch a woman so that she gets excited but it isn't necessarily a sexual touch. Kiss and nuzzle her neck, kiss/breathe near her ears, let your hands rest on the sides of her waist, or the small of her back. Come up to her from behind and hug her so that she can feel your entire body encompassing her. Take her dancing, let your bodys feel the rythym together (then stop and don't try to go any further). All of these things will get her mor comfortable with your sensual touch without you going in for a boob grab etc. It becomes fun and not sexually intimidating. She will eventually want you to be touching her more and more (and will want to touch you).
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