A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:To whom may have advice,Let me begin with some background informationI met my girlfriend (who I have been dating for over four years) in college. The first year was amazing (the first time I ever though about marriage) but after that it was a pretty bumpy road. Our relationship became strained when she started to become jealous and insecure. I thought that it was me and for about a year and half I did everything to try and ease her emotions. I stopped making conversation with any of my old friends that were women, and even removed all of my social network sites (myspace.com, facebook.com, etc...)We would have fights often. Now my friends don't like her and never want me to bring her out (I know it is not all her fault, but my friends are biased towards me). Well it all became a real mess when my girlfriend's best friend committed suicide. At that time I was in my first year of law school. I was enormously stressed out but tried to be there for her. I ended up calling 911 one night and temporarily putting in her a psychiatric unit. She had threatened suicide multiple times. She staid one week and was advised to seek therapy.Ever since then all of our problems have been stemming from this... She is extremely depressed and is always negative. The worst part of this is that something inside me has broken, and I just can't stand it anymore. It has been over a year and half and she hasn't gotten therapy for it. I am the only one who knows, and helps her through this. But I am just utterly exhausted from the stress and the school and the stress of taking care of her emotionally. Now here is where I need advice... Until recently she hasn't done anything to help her self... But I gave her an ultimatum (twice) to try and help her self or that I could not be with her...She tells me that I am verbally abusive to her and that scares me a lot...The situations where I am verbally abusive is when I tell her to leave my house or leave me alone... I am the type that just takes things in and then just blows up. I do not want to act like this anymore, but I feel trapped. When we get into arguments she literally blocks my exit and just keeps pushing me. All I want is out, to cool off, but that just never was an option. I am scared, I know I would never physically hurt her but I don't want to verbally abuse her by cursing at her to leave. Durring these times I just throw up my hands and pretty much make her feel like I don't care about our relationship. I want to marry this girl... But something crazy always happens to make me think otherwise...How can I ease these confrontational situations from escalading. Also, how can I calm the situation when it is full blown. I feel like I have all this built up resentment... I don't want to have it anymore... I feel like all I could control these situations if I could just some how let these feelings go that I have inside. Recently, we have been better... But I constantly wonder if all relationships is this stressful, if all women is this insecure... I am turning into a bad person, I surprise myself with my behavior. It is not a question about leaving her because I do not want to, I cannot imagine myself with another women. But how can I heal myself so that I can be a better boyfriend to her and help her through this healing process. Church has been the savior of our relationship. But, I just am confused...Any advice... Sorry for the real long post... I am a male and feel like I can't talk to anybody about this because it is embarrassing.Please... I am desperate from some insight, wisdom, guidance, or criticism...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 December 2008):
 Sorry for taking so long to get back to you; I've been off the site due to personal family circumstances.
Okay, you sound desperate, and I'm sorry for that. You're right, you cannot marry her if things don't change, and I think you do have good reason to end the relationship if she doesn't get the help she needs. And it's not YOUR responsibility to fix things for her; SHE has to take responsibility for her own mental health. The fact that she's expecting you to do so tells me that she needs a real wakeup call. You cannot fix her for her. She has to work on this herself, and the first step is for her to acknowledge that she has a problem. Again, SHE has to do this.
You might push things along by initiating and sticking to a split--temporary for now, but perhaps leading to a more permanent break. You can care about her, but this doesn't mean that you have to take care of her forever. Caring about her may mean that you do have to push her out of the nest, so that she learns to live and cope on her own. You may be doing her the greatest favor of her life by letting her figure this out for herself.
Get all your ducks in a row. Find all the resources that she could use, therapy, a doctor, a counselor, mental health clinic, what have you. You know what it is she needs to find out why she is so depressed. Write up the list, have all the phone numbers ready. Don't give her the time to fix things for herself WITHIN the relationship. She needs to fix things for herself (with professional help, ideally) OUTSIDE the relationship before she can be in a healthy relationship. This is not being mean, this is being pragmatic and honest.
----
"Honey, you know I care about you deeply, but this is not working. You need to get some help for yourself, help that I cannot give you as I am not a professional counselor. Our relationship is interfering with your own healing and your own growth, and difficult as this is for me to say, we need to take a real break. This break is only until you get your feet back under yourself. I cannot fix this for you, you do need to do this yourself. I love and care for you deeply but I cannot go on myself in this way. This is bad for both of us.
"My suggestion is that you go see your doctor, have a full checkup and get a referral for a counselor. If you don't know where to start, I have a list here of resources you can turn to. I will call them for you and make an appointment if you cannot, but the next step is up to you."
---
I expect she'll collapse and cry and be unable to function for a few days. But then she'll dry her eyes, after she's cried herself to sleep for enough nights, and she'll take herself to that appointment. That is, if she has enough strength in herself.
Another thing I think you should do is to make sure that any other support systems she has are alerted to this change in your relationship. Her family, her other friends, her minister if she has one, anyone who can help her along in this path.
If she threatens any type of self-harm, contact 911 or the suicide hotline ASAP, but DO NOT allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed back into this relationship until she has sought professional help, and this help has begun to work.
She needs professional help, that's the bottom line here. And you might too, so don't push that idea away. Walk the walk, talk the talk, you know that means you could benefit yourself from some help too.
Good luck, I hope this helps, even though it's a bit late in coming.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am considering leaving my girlfriend...
I love her but cannot imagine living the rest of my life
constantly having her be jealous and angry...
I don't know what to do. I feel so stressed out that
my back and neck are starting to ache and have not been
able to get any sleep.
I feel like I can't be me around her and always
walking on egg shells...
Everything else is great, but I've been trying to believe
that she will change, that she will trust me one day,
her anger will just go away, she won't be jealous...
After 4 years I don't know if I can wait anymore...
How do I break up with her, should I? Would this mess
her up mentally? I am so unhappy, I am not an unhappy person
but sometimes she can really bring me down... Every time
I try and break up with her she convinces me to give her
some time to change, and I always do because I love her
... I think that is why...
Man I am so confused... Anyone been down the same path
that has advice? I am freaking out because I don't think
I can live the rest of my life like this with her...
There are so many good qualities about her but, I just can't
imagine marrying her if she is like this...
HELP!!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 December 2008):
I'm happy to hear you're going to talk to members of her family. I think that one of the things that is holding her back is that she hasn't admitted to herself there's a problem. There's this huge stigma attached to anyone who admits they have a mental health issue. It's the truly brave who can come right out and talk about it.
You might consider counseling for yourself too; there was a sentence in there that worried me about you, not regardig her, but this line: "(I don't think I can leave her, she is my anchor to be mature and stay on a straight path in life... The last time we broke up for 2 weeks, I felt like my life was spiraling out of control)"
That's not good, you know. A healthy relationship is one that has two people who want to be with each other, but who could survive withot the other if necessary. It sounds to me like you need to broaden your own support network. I know it's tough for men to admit to anyone they need help, but you really shouldn't be feeling out of control just because you're not with her. That's not a good sign to me, it sounds like you are co-dependent and that you might be feeding off each other's insecurities. (I'm not a professional, this is just an amateur opinion, keep that in mind.) So think about that, please.
Your last question, what to do about those texts?
I'd write back something like, "the last text sounded very dramatic, but it was vague. Would you like me to contact the suicide hotline for you?"
or "I don't have much of a sense of humor for these vague yet dramatic texts. Is there something that you need help with, or are you just venting?"
In other words, point out that the text itself is a problem, ignore the content, and challenge her to clarify it. Do you see the strategy?
If she does threaten suicide, however, I think she truly is at high risk due to her friend, so don't be afraid to get professional help, as you did last time. There's no point in taking chances with that.
Calmly tell her that you will take any threat of suicide seriously, and will take appropriate action.
Good luck, for both of you and I hope you get the help it sounds to me you need too. (Not in a bad way, it's just my opinion that you could use some help too, nothing to be ashamed of or try to hide from those who love you, like your family, or best friend.)
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who has replied...
I will mention to her that I would like to attend therapy with her if the coverage allows
I feel a lot better now that I have told someone about this. It felt like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I was losing my mind but it is re-assuring to hear that it is not something that I alone can fix...
I will probably end up telling her sister about the situation. Her sister was enormous support when my girlfriend was going through her really tough patch after she was admitted.
My GF is really good at hiding the depressed feelings she has to her friends and family (she tells me this all the time, that noones knows what she is going through except me)... I don't think her parents know that she is still feeling like this (when I called them, a year and half ago, and told them that she was admitted to a psychiatric unit they were extremely shocked but really thankful).
What should I do if she stops going to therapy? She went to therapy along time ago for like a month and stopped going. I do not want that to happen again... Is my only choice to leave her if that happens? (I don't think I can leave her, she is my anchor to be mature and stay on a straight path in life... The last time we broke up for 2 weeks, I felt like my life was spiraling out of control)
Man, I think I need some psychiatric help... AHHHHH
One more question for advice:
When we fight she sometimes sends me these vague and ambiguous txts or says something really vague that implies she is going to commit suicide or do something drastic like leave the country (quit her job)... I don't know what to do or say at these moments. Lately I have been just throwing up my hands in the air and saying I give up, which usually results in me calling her back after I have calmed down and us both apologizing to one another. There must be a healthier and more tactful approach then this....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 December 2008):
Wow, you are carrying a huge burden. She needs help, but is expecting you to fix her problems for her. This is not realistic thinking, and you have to realize that she is not processing things from a rational point of view.
No, not all relationships are this stressful, and no, women are not all this insecure. She has mental health issues.
As a help to you in dealing with her, consider this mental health issue as a disease that needs treatment, so you can separate the woman from the behavior. When she starts to go off on you, take a step back and recognize that it is her mental health imbalance that is causing her to do these irrational things, and react to THAT imbalance, not the woman herself. The provocation she's putting you through, I think she's trying to make you prove, over and over again, that you have unconditional love for her. She's separated you from normal interactions with other women due to her own insecurities. This should have been a red flag for you right away. There's a great article posted here on 'signs you're dating a loser.' Have a read of it and see if this applies to your situation.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
The point of the article is to make you become aware of her behavior and irrationality from a calm, wider perspective. You're in so tight with her that you may not be able to step back, draw a breath and see the situation clearly. You're here because you're at your wits end, and I don't blame you one bit.
Right, let's first take care of you. You have got to get support and help for yourself. You're keeping this a huge deep secret and this compounds the stress on you. If I were you, I'd find one or two close friends or family members who you can talk to about this, so that you're not so alone in coping with this. It's not a betrayal, it's not gossiping, it's a way of keeping yourself thinking clearly, even when things are going all to pieces in the relationship.
As far as being verbally abusive, well maybe you are shouting at her because you feel pushed into a corner, figuratively and literally. If you can manage it, stay calm, don't react to the provocative behavior. When she wigs out, ignore her words and her insults and her slams at you. She's mentally unbalanced, and is trying to make you prove, over and over again, that you will love her no matter how bad things get. It's like a 5 year old child misbehaving, in a way, think of it as a tantrum in the grocery store.
So when she starts behaving hysterically, you start saying, calmly but firmly, "When you calm down, we can talk about things. When you calm down, we can talk about things. When you calm down, we can talk about things. When you calm down, we can talk about things." Eventually, she'll realize that she's not getting the reaction she's hoping for from you. But you must try to keep a flat and even demeanor through all her craziness. You become a giant immovable, unperturbable rock. This way, you won't be verbally or physically abusive. Okay?
Now, on to her, she needs help and she needs it sooner rather than later. You said you gave her two ultimatums. Well, a real ultimatum is one you carry through on. It sounds to me that you didn't. Again, you've been isolated by her, and she has isolated herself, and you probably felt that if you did follow through, she'd be all alone with no help and no one to turn to. She's put herself in this situation, or rather, her irrational thinking has put her in this situation. You know how sometimes people say that an alcoholic or drug addict has to hit rock bottom before getting help? Well, this is going to be true for her. She did hit rock bottom, when she threatened suicide and was admitted for observation. But she didn't follow through on treatment. She has to get that treatment. That is so hard for her to see and accept because of her screwed up thinking. It's a catch-22.
Is her family a problem? How is it that they didn't get her the help she needed when she was in that suicide watch, psychiatric unit? Are they part of the issue for her?
If you're going to make an ultimatum again, follow through on it. Make sure she has the information she needs to get the help, offer to take her to the counselor or doctor, remove any obstacles she might try to put in the path to getting that help she needs. Does she have a medical doctor that she sees? One of the other answerers suggested checking thyroid function; it would be a very good idea for her to have a full physical and see if there is something physical that is causing her problems. The doctor does need to be made aware of what's been happening with her, so that he or she can make a good diagnosis and recommend the best treatment.
So get out there, do talk to people who are close to you about this, you need the support and their advice can help too. Make sure she gets the treatment she needs, but don't blame yourself or make it your fault if this is problematic. She has to accept that she needs help and then seek treatment.
I do wish you all the best.
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A
male
reader, metalsman  +, writes (8 December 2008):
 Hi there anonymous,
One thing you may care to get checked out is to have her Doctor check her for Thyroid Gland activity. An underactive Thyroid Gland (or the enxymes which promote the production of the thyroid hormones) can give rise to increasing symptoms of depression and result in the kind of thought patterns she seems to be exhibiting.
I'm no medic or have any medical training but from my recent personal experience had/have been having insecurity/trust issues with my wife of 24 yrs and this gave rise to similar type feelings.
During the course of being treated by the Doctor for depression (medication - Citalopram tablets) a series of blood tests showed that my Thyroid gland HAD in fact become underactive, and it was concluded that THIS factor was more than likely been the cause of the derpression setting in.
I'd be inclined to just get her to have this checked out in case it could be a solution/reason for her problems. Therapy also won't do any harm.
Glad if I can help
Best of luck to you both.
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A
female
reader, KDKTRK0604 +, writes (8 December 2008):
 Well first off...
You need to realize that the therpay she needs you need some as well not for the same thing you two could go together there are many cities that have free programs to help couples if you do that it in return might help her and give her the power and wisdom to seek the help she needs as well... my hubby bottles everything up so when we fight it comes out like a big ball all at once he is actully seeing someone for that and it has helped wonders!
let me know what you think
be safe take care
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