A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my gf nearly 7 months and i think we are on the brink of breaking up. The problem is that she thinks i am not commited enough. I am mid twenties and am in my first relationship so this is all new to me. We get on very well and can talk and laugh about anything but she is now saying she thinks we can't be together because she wants to be married and have kids within the next 5 years and wants to move in together soon but it is all too fast for me and while i don't know that i won't want all that stuff i can't say for sure right now as i am still of the opinion there is a lot to do in my life before i do all that.i don't even know what i want to be doing in 6 months! Also a big problem is she tells me she loves me (a few times she has said it) but i haven't been able to retort as i don't feel ready to tell her yet but this appears to have ruined things. I tell her 7 months isn't that long and that i want to move slowly but she says that in 7 months if i haven't said it i never will. The truth is that i do love her but there is something holding me back (i'm wondering if i love her but am not in love with her, and when i told her this she says she doesn't believe me now and that i'm just saying it to try and correct the situation. The truth is, i'm trying to be as honest and real as possible and when i say these things i want to really mean them and be in the right place physically and mentally. She is also in hospital a lot with respiratory problems (it varies but recently 3 out of the last6 weeks) and i spend an awful lot of time with her in there, all my spare time. I don't mind this at all but i had a friends birthday to go to for the weekend last weekend and i went to it while she was in hospital. She has taken this as me being uncaring and that i should be with her all the time hospital as that is what a boyfriend does. She says she doens't stop me seeing my friends but i go out roughly once every couple of weeks as she thinks i don't spend enough time with her otherwise. she then got upset that i told her i thought she was being mean and unfair when my life pretty much revolves around her and i do so much and spend so much time with her in and out of hospital. She told me i was childish and too old to go out with mates and get drunk at my age and i should get more serious. I don't know what to do (not that it's on my hands anymore, i think she will end it). She has told me that she won't stay friends or keep in contact with me if we break up and that really breaks my heart to think that our relationship (she is also one of my best friends in my eyes) can be fragile enough for her to just forget me. I can't bare the thought of not being able to talk to her or to know how she is (in terms of being in hospital, i hate the thought of her lying there and me not knowing, and generally in life), and i want to be there for her but it just seems she doesn't appreciate anything i do and expects me to be there all the time and to do exactly what she wants without compromise from her end.I'm thinking maybe she has a plan and i have to fit into it otherwise she just doesn't give a damn. Should i try and get back and completely change and except that i need to be more committed in life or is it possible that maybe this was never meant to be?I'm so sad at then thought of losing her but don't know if i have a choice- what should i do? thank you for your time!
View related questions:
best friend, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (25 May 2009):
 The respiratory issues are awful but that doesn't give her the right to manipulate you. Seven months is not really that long, and I personally don't think it's long enough to know if you're going to marry someone. I don't think it's fair to demand all your time either. Everybody needs friends and if you want to hang out with your friends at a bar once in a while that's your business. You're still young.
If this is all too much for you you might want to consider a break.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): Well, a couple of things comes to mind.
She is going through some tough times being ill and being in the hospital is going to make her a lot more cranky than normal and a little depressed. Respiratory problems especially make people feel panicky just because they aren't getting oxygen.
So don't blame yourself unneccessarily for her reaction to your not being there...you may just have to tolerate it and not stick up for yourself, but just say you are sorry that you cannot be there more for her and you hope she understands that you do care and do love her or you wouldn't be there.
She sounds like she is on a time schedule for marriage and kids, and I think she is putting too much pressure on you to move in with her.
Sadly a lot of relationships do not work out due to timing, not lack of interest or love.
I don't like it when my boyfriend goes out drinking too much with his friends, it is immature, but if you don't want to stop completely, then you may ask yourself if you can find some other activity to do with your mates and some that even include her along with them, but that is up to you.
You do not sound like you are at a stage in your life where you are ready for marriage and kids, you don't have a life plan beyond 6 months, so this is probably a matter of timing. Don't beat yourself up, you cannot make her trust you or believe you when you tell her you love her, and you are right 7 months is not all that long to be 100% committed and ready for marriage. I would question if she just wants a husband and father for her kids or if she really loves you and wants you....that is important for you that she is not so self centered and high maintenance that it isn't you she wants, she is just after her goal, not that she is wrong for wanting those things, but she has to be a little bit flexible in her demands, don't you think.
It sounds to me that you are doing what you can to stop the break up, but ultimately, there isn't much you can do besides tell her that she hopes she will give you and her some more time and stop pressuring you to move in, it does not mean that you don't love her, you are just not ready, but see her in your future.
Good Luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (25 May 2009):
 she is going through some real hard times with going in and out of hospital and yes it be nice if you were with her when she is going threw these traumatic times but by your side of the story she is wanting to do all she can encase she isnt here for as long as she likes perhaps she wants to do things now and have a simple life later on. but you two coinside with this your two different peas in a pod. i dont think your not comitted or you wouldnt go at all with her to the hospital. i think she wants to be center of attention and your not willing to give up everything just to be with her.perhaps you love her but are not in love i recently went through something similar and i loved him but i ddnt see a future nor did i want to move in or anything like that and it wasnt till 1 year down the line i realised i wasnt in love with him. sometimes things cant seem to get better but then things change and sometimes we arnt ready or willing to change yet your still young and it doesnt seem you want the same things as she does right now which will be a problem. perhaps this relationship was only ment to be friends but you thought it was more. you really need to ask yourself do you love her to be with her and give up your free life to spend it with her children marriage and all. do you see a future. and as for being childish to go out with mates seems she is a bit selfish and wants you all to herself i gave up my mates for my ex and i hated him for it in the end because if someone truly loves you then they wont want to change you nor to get rid of your friends and to stop drinking sensably because your too old. = haha sometimes you have to let go of the things you hold precious so they can bloom in better pastures. you need to ask yourself alot of things about this relationship and how it relfects on you. i wish you good luck aphex xx
...............................
|
