A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been in an relationship for 8minths going strong but I am getting fed up about certain things. My girlfriend lives with her mum and doesn't have much money. She has two outfits, and all she has worn since we been together. I offered to buy some and she refuses to a point we argue. She now has a job interview and she has avoided purchasing clothes despite me forcing money in her hands. I am getting so fed up because she is always inthe same clothes. She would rather not get a job than take money from me for the job iinterview. It also annoys me that her mum is so unsupportive and does not give her money. She has jus turned 18. Does anybody understand what I am complaining about because I sounds so stupid but I find it irritating. Money - wise I am stable, I work a lot so she shouldn't feel bad. Also makes me think I've found the perfect most unselfish girl ever. Your thoughts please ladies.. Gents.. Much appreciated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): Chigirl understood the situation bang on. I get the feeling many people are telling me I am trying to control or be in control of some situation. I am just trying to give her a confidence boost, I did take her to the interview, it wentwell. I was there for her. And she knows why I did it. Not to patronise her or nmake her feel bad, but just to be there for her. Perhaps people find money such a huge thing. If someone I love is not as happy as can be than what the hell am I doing working day and night. And imagine it didn't last. What's wrong with helping someone out even if it did end? I don't see It as pity, charity. That's a load of tish tosh. She can do what she wants to do, I don't want to decide her life. And she doesn't do pride.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2013): I'm poor, my parents aren't but that's the way things are now, anyway my motto is I'm poor therefore I cannot afford to be proud, I take hand me downs from my cousin I ask my mother to sew my torn up clothes, you'll never see me in the latest fashion but one thing I never took was money from any man, just because I felt that in some way I would owe them and later they would want something in return for it, that's just the way I am. I don't know if that is the case with your girlfriend but maybe she's just too proud to accept charity, in which case you could buy her a nice outfit as a gift for Christmas making it very rude for her to refuse.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (12 December 2013):
 I think that you're searching for - and "finding" - ways to "take control" of your situation with this girl, such that you hope to be in total control....
My question: WHAT would she be doing if she never met you? IF that is "what she is doing now".... then you need to back off and leave her to her own wits and resources.
Do you not see that YOU are trying to "make her over"... and you are not entitled to do so... After all, she's her own person...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 December 2013):
 When I was 12/13 I wasn't popular at all. I did not have nice clothes. We were poor and my mom never bought me clothes unless they would last two years, were water proof and wind proof. Of course, never the latest fashion.
One girl in my class invited me home to her place one time. I thought she just wanted to hang out. But I think she actually had a mission in mind. She wanted to give me some of her old clothes that were more up to date and looked cooler. She actually offered me a sweater that was very cool, back then. Sometimes when I think about it I wonder why I didn't just accept it. I could have gotten free clothes! And I did want such clothes, I dreamed about them, and just a few months later I got my first job so I could afford to buy such clothes for myself.
Now I am obsessed with clothes and have tonnes of fancy clothes, sort of like making up for the lack of clothing back then...
But the point of my story is, I didn't accept her clothes. And I want you to know why.
It was HUMILIATING.
Maybe if this girl had worded herself differently, I might have accepted the clothes. If she at least pretended to be a friend, who just happened to give some clothes away and I happened to be the friend that was around at this random moment where she wanted to give away clothes. But that was not the case. She did have good intentions, but this wasn't a case of a friend being friendly. This was a case of a girl who PITIED me. Her giving me clothes like that just pointed out what I knew very well: that I was out of style, looked like crap etc.
Accepting her charity, do you know what that would have made me? A beggar. Someone to be looked down upon. Someone who had to depend on the mercy of others. To be pitied. Someone others could look at and point at and say "look at that poor girl, we should give her some clothes".
I had too much pride to accept. If I had accepted it would have been like accepting defeat. That I couldn't be good enough on my own, as I was, that I couldn't get myself out of the situation, that I'd be dependent on others and relying on others and having to feel sorry for myself.
My guess is, you come off the same way with your girlfriend. You mean to be nice. But you are probably (in her eye) patronizing. You come off as "I know better, you need to do as I say, you need to wear what I want you to wear, you can't have an opinion of your own and you don't get to decide what you wear". I know you don't mean it that way. But she's obviously broke, and she obviously is mortified that you want to give her money. She probably thinks you're ashamed of her. She probably thinks you're looking down on her, pity her, feel sorry for her, feel she isn't good enough as she is...
So here is what I suggest you do now. Sit her down. Have a proper talk about this. Do NOT offer money. Talk to her first, ASK her opinion and what SHE wants. Don't dictate what she should do, ask her. Respect her and respect her opinion. Listen to her. Tell her you have good intentions, and that you never meant for her to feel bad about it. Tell her that as her boyfriend, you just want to look after her, take care of her. That you see she doesn't have much money and not that many clothes, and you just wanted to help out in the way you know how to. Your way of helping out is by giving money. You now see that this was a bad idea, and not the kind of support or help she wants. Assure her that you just want to help out. Then ask her, in what way can you help out and be a supportive boyfriend?
Maybe drive her to job interviews? Maybe treat her to home made dinners? Help clean the house? And then ask her, if she would accept if you bought her something as a gift, because you want to make her happy, and you feel like you are helping out if you are allowed to buy her gifts. That that is how you like to show her you care for her. Ask her if that would be okay with her. Look her in the eyes when you talk to her, speak calmly. My guess is, she will accept your offer to help if you word yourself somewhat like this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): Why don't you buy her a suit as a present? If she doesn't want it she can throw it in the bin.
Money is more difficult to accept out of pride than a gift.
You do not know their financial situation so do not judge her mother for the decisions she makes.
Even if she were in the wrong, you do not have the right to attack her mother or criticise her the way you are doing. It will only create a wedge between you and your girlfriend. That plus the fact that you are putting pressure for her to change who she is and telling her what to wear. Not a winning combination. If you want to keep her, back off and stop trying to 'fix' her. You are making her feel like crap for not having much and then making her feel indebted to you by giving her money.
And then if she feels like it's too much you can ask her to make your favourite meal that she's made for you before as a thank you. At her house, or yours - doesn't matter.
Stop trying to change her and back off from her mother. She gave birth to the woman you profess to love so respect her as such.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (12 December 2013):
 I would go out with her take her shopping. Also go to the store and by the clothes. I would definitely go shopping if money is forced in my hands. What type of style do you like bring it to her tell her you like it. Then she will have more clothes and outfits. She may not be into fashion much. She may like jewelry or shoes.
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