A
male
age
51-59,
*r.Worry
writes:Should I be upset about my girlfriend having male friends?She says they are just friends but I'm not sure I should believe that.I asked her a couple months back if she chatted or got messages from them.She said no then today after I pressed her,she said she chats with them but not everyday.Why was she keeping this a secret?I know she didn't want to argue if she told me,but don't I desevre the truth?Now I know I'm a jealous man,but I think guys that who aren't overly jealous don't like this,am i right?She also says she will never stop talking to them even if we someday get married!Should I just force this and say it's them or me?This is hard to deal with.I love her but I know alot of guys are just"friends"until the see their way in for more.Should I just drop her even tho it will hurt like hell?Please help me,because I know I'm going to blow it because there's nothing I hate worse than these damn male friends!!Shouldn't she think about how this makes me feel?She says I HAVE to learn to deal with it because she's keeping her friends no matter what.What should i do?Thx
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): "Why would a straight man be a woman's friend if he didn't want something in exchange?"
I personally think that is very small minded. I have many straight male friends, none of which want to get me into bed.
This is extremely possessive for a man of your age, who should be more self assured. She's having a relationship with YOU, not those male friends. Shouldn't that tell you something?
I think you need to calm down about her friends, and credit her with a bit of trust.
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (31 March 2008):
 Look, we all know about feeling jealous, and it's a really horrible emotion, and completely eats you up. It's great that you're in therapy - it sounds like you need some help dealing with this.
I think that yes, even the most well-adjusted guy might feel slightly insecure about the friends, but that he would have to just tell himself it's nothing. You're obviously finding this very hard. I think you should keep in your mind at all times that you don't need to be jealous - you can feel safe and secure with her - the friends and flirting are just her nature, and you can't change her nature. She's being herself, but hey, she's not with those guys - she's with YOU! So be happy! You have a lot to be happy about.
I hope you manage to control the jealousy, because it's not fair that your life should be spoilt by it. Really, there's no reason.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (31 March 2008):
 Sorry, you did say that. My apologies.
My advice still stands though
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A
male
reader, Mr.Worry +, writes (31 March 2008):
Mr.Worry is verified as being by the original poster of the question Collaroy take another look I said I am a jealous man. I said I think guys that who aren't overly jealous don't like this, am I right? I could have worded that better. Sorry
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A
male
reader, Mr.Worry +, writes (31 March 2008):
Mr.Worry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never said that about women and I'm in therapy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): "Why would a straight man be a woman's friend if he didn't want something in exchange?"
Wow. That's a really disturbing question. Apparently to you, women have no worth to men other than as sperm receptacles. You've got problems. Not her - you. I think some therapy might be in order for you.
And no wonder you're so insecure about and threatened by other men, thinking they can't keep their hands to themselves - it's because YOU couldn't keep YOUR damn hands to yourself, screwing, as you said, many women who were in relationships. But, hey, just because you have no self-restraint or respect for boundaries doesn't mean that other men don't.
Sure, give her an ultimatum. If she's got half a brain - and it sounds like she does - she'll choose her friends over you, her insecure, controlling boyfriend who apparently believes women have no more value than as sex objects.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (30 March 2008):
Hey dude,
you just got to learn to chill out a bit. You have to realise that when we get into our 30's we carry a lot of old and valuable realtionships around with us. It is natural for a man or woman at this age to have many friends of the opposite sex. You cannot live your life assuming that she is going to sleep with a male friend.
If you try and get her to dump them, she is only going to dump you. You portray yourself as not the jealous type but you give every indication to the contrary in your post.
Its time to take a good hard look at yourself and decide where you want to go and if you want to keep this girl by letting her have some independence.
good luck.
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A
male
reader, Mr.Worry +, writes (30 March 2008):
Mr.Worry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo,she's not worth giving up.I just don't know how to handle this.My mind keeps wondering what these guys say and what she says to them.She told me from the beginning she's a flirt.I guess I thought that would change if she loves me.
As far as men being friends with women,you have no way of knowing what's inside his head.It won't show at all,but it's there.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (30 March 2008):
I think your perspective on male/female friendship is a little off - well, actually quite a lot off. As a woman I have lots of male friends, and there's no way I would sleep with any of them. There's a big difference between jokey banter, mutual appreciation (on a number of levels), and jumping into bed with someone. I think you're quite wrong to assume your girlfriend is some sort of target and will end up in bed with one or other or more of these guys.
You have to let her have a life outside of her relationship with you. That's the only healthy and sustainable way for any relationship. You have to trust her. She knows that, and she's quite right to be unequivocal with you about it: you can't stop her seeing her friends. She's being honest with you. How you feel isn't acceptable - you have to deal with it. I think, I'm afraid, you need to stop justifying it to yourself - no, you're not being reasonable, you're not being sensible - you're letting unfounded jealousy colour your vision.
If you can't deal with her having male friends, yes, you need to leave her. But she sounds a trustworthy, independent woman, whom you love. Is she worth giving up?
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A
male
reader, Mr.Worry +, writes (30 March 2008):
Mr.Worry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's just so hard for me to believe that these "friends"don't hit on her or talk about sex.Why would a straight man be a woman's friend if he didn't want something in exchange?I slept with alot of women who were my friend first.And alot of these women were married or had b/f's.I know from experience that women cheat just as much as men but mostly for more serious reasons.They feel things,guys only want to have sex.Maybe this is what's goes around comes around?Believe it or not,I've never cheated on anyone my whole life.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (30 March 2008):
 I find guys alot easier to be friends with, in general they are less demanding/high maintenance, and sometimes easier to talk to about my problems.
But that doesn't mean I want to sleep with them, etc.
I've had boyfriends act the same as you have in the past, and I've always said the same as your girlfriend.
You need to trust her, but she needs to be completely honest and open with you, if she knows this is an issue with you.
If you do start finding out she has been keeping details, no matter how small, from you, then of course you will start to feel suspicious.
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