A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend “Kate” (not her real name for obvious reasons) is stunningly beautiful, extremely intelligent, witty, fun loving and full of life. She’s also brash, facetious, confident, fiercely independent, and honest to a fault. Kate is a realist. And she has held true to this ideal through every facet of her life; including her sexuality.Kate has a very promiscuous past. And she’s had no qualms relating the fact that there was a time in her life when she would have sex whenever and with whomever she pleased. Though we’ve never breeched the subject of “numbers” (as I know that I am not prepared emotionally to have my suspicions validated), I had determined very early in our relationship, through the names and situations she has mentioned over the course of our conversations together, that the liaisons and sexual encounters Kate has had over the course of her life is astronomically high. At first, Kate’s confessions about her wild past didn’t bother me. I found her candor, brutal honesty, and nonchalant attitude toward sex, troubling, but at the same time intriguing. After all, Kate and I began our relationship strictly as friends. And I would listen to her stories about her party days with a perverted sense of inquisitiveness. To be honest, I had always felt that Kate was “out of my league” so to say. So I was completely taken by surprise when Kate admitted that she was starting to have feelings for me beyond that platonic bond of friendship we had always shared. And it wasn’t until much later, when Kate admitted that she had fallen in love with me, that our relationship made the transition from friends to lovers. Now that Kate and I share an intimate bond with one another, I cant help but think about the gory details of her sexual past that she had divulged to me as friends. Especially when we are intimate with one another. Her sexual prowess in the bed room borders on the incredible. And it is during those times that these thoughts seem to make this part of our relationship one that I am secretly struggling with.It has nothing to do with my own competence in bed, however. Though I’ve had a few liaisons myself over the years, I am fully comfortable with my own sexuality and how to express it. My issues I think come from a moral direction in that I have always viewed sex as an expression of love between two people that love one another. Kate on the other hand has always viewed sex, at least in the past, as purely a natural release.Now I struggle almost daily with negative thoughts about Kate. Unlike before when, as friends, I looked at the subject completely different. Now I am torn as to whether or not to open a proverbial “Pandora’s Box” and breech this conversation with Kate and risk the back lash of negative emotions I’m sure it would cause between us. Or whether to keep this to myself and deal with this in private.What should I do?
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male
reader, overlyemotional  +, writes (4 May 2012):
Does anyone know if this guy ever got over his "negative thoughts"? Is he still with "Kate"?
A
male
reader, murphtom +, writes (20 May 2009):
 Personally, I think you should be honored. You are truly dating your best friend. She trust you so much that she does not have to hide her past. I applaud you maturity, and think you should remember a few thinks each time she makes a comment about her past: 1. She values you as a friend and is willing to be honest with you. 2. You love her for her honesty. 3. Her past is what brought her to you, she loves you, not the past guys. 4. You get to enjoy what she learned from all those guys.
Stick with her and enjoy. I would rather be with my best friend who has a past then with some girl just because she is "pure". We are not talking objects here, we are talking people.
You are a lucky guy.
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A
male
reader, scooter14 +, writes (30 April 2009):
I dated a woman that matched Kates description. The best advice I can give for any woman that wants to put her past behind her is to move. I could not handle the large volume of former sex partners we would run into when we were in public and she had to talk to everyone of them. We might have had a chance in another city!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007): I know there are different types of people out there but the fact that she is so blatant about revealing her past would be offputting to me. What I mean is the continued revalations about people she see's on the street and has done or a public place where so did someone. I think you are a very understanding and mature person who is patient with her.
The fact she was so out of control should raise big red flags-such extreme behavior is not normal. Its indicative of serious problems. Sure people can change for the better but who wants to risk a relapse or the personality defects manifesting themselves in other ways (they will).
This is a girl who allowed her body to be used as a public restroom for the ejaculate of many hedonistic players. Now she wants a mature, empathetic provider/partner type man. Unfortunately you have all her past to haunt your soul now. I dont think its worth it. Cut it off before you are married. Nobody buys a vehicle with a rebuilt frame and 400,000 miles when they can search around and find something much better!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionKate was married, although it briefly, to her high school sweet heart. He was her first sexual partner and she was deeply in love with the young man. Her marriage ended because of HIS infidelity. And it was only after this incident that she had a radical change in her personal concepts regarding sex and relationships. And it was only then when she started the next ten years of her life “kicking tires”.
I have taken comfort in knowing that Kate, at least at one time, viewed sex as a means of expressing her love. She has allowed me to look at notebooks and journals she kept during this time in her life and one entry in particular has helped me understand the mind set she had about her view of sex and love before her divorce. At first, her promiscuous outlook was a means of dealing with the hurt and anger she felt after the dissolution of her marriage. But knowing this has only helped me understand why she began down the path she did for so long. In ten years she never opened herself up to the idea of ever loving another man. Jaded as she was.
Now it is I who has helped Kate come full circle and has finally found it in herself to love again. Her sexual past bothers me. But I too went through a similar situation and understand full well the hurt and anger that comes being cheated on.
I want to love Kate unconditionally. With know qualms about it. I just need to know how to leave the past in the past. It is this issue I am struggling with.
Will these thoughts ever go away?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): Know exactly what you mean - had the exact same situation. Just couldn't come to terms with it, so it had to end. The other posters aren't really hearing you when you said "sex as love, not as pure pleasure or hobby". This is a fundamental attitude, a cornerstone of your emotional well-being. Unfortunately, it's not being met by this person, despite everything else being right. It's going to nag you to death, at least it did me, and no matter how great the rest is, that part is pretty darn important to be feeling good about and not carry this thorn in your side with you for the rest of your days. Relationships are complex, there are so many things that can throw shadows. Something this important is too big of a shadow. Don't let the fear of starting over stop you from finding someone more aligned with your core dispositions. You'll respect them all the more when you find that person. I finally did, and it doesn't get any better when you can love and respect someone who themselves have been as selective in their sexuality as you. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow that "Kate" and I live with one another, I am reminded almost daily about her previous wildside. Past lovers and one night stands call out of the blue just to talk to Kate. She tells the "hookups" to leave her alone. But she is still close friends with alot of her ex's.Her friends and family relate to me all the time how much she's truly is in love with me. But it seems that these revelations always come in direct contrast to the stories they tell me about the old Kate and her wild days. They volunteer these stories constantly in just casual conversation. But I tend to take most of their comments in stride. And I've never voiced to them that it bothers me. I'm always finding loose photos of past liasons. Sometimes photos that are from parties that are some what explicit. Intimate apparel that she has worn for previous lovers laces her closest. And one day while we were cleaning, she came across a box of unused condoms she had purchased a year before we met; before she went on her hiatus from the party scene. Instead of getting rid of it, she stuck them on my side of the bathroom sink. Knowing I'd see them. When I asked her why, the "realist Kate" simply replied, "Those things are expensive....we'll just give them to someone who can use them one day." She looked at me as if I were judging her in a derogatory way. And I admit, the look on my face probably seemed annoyed. I tried to hide it....but I'm getting to a point where this is becoming a huge issue for me.When we're out she is so nonchalant when we meet someone from her past. "Oh I #$%@ him". And just shrugs it off like it's no big deal. "Oh my but the prep table and corner booth in that Pizza Hut holds some erotic memories for me". The casual comments go on and on.I'm really in love with Kate. And the thought of her having lived that sort of life before me...and her williness to share that so openly is really starting to bother me. On the outside, I still laugh when she tells these stories to me. After all, because of the openess and honesty we shared as friends, she feels so free in expressing these thoughts to me.But inside.....I'm not laughing.
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A
female
reader, atmosphere  +, writes (4 August 2007):
Kate sounds alot like myself...I have had many sexual partners, but i have felt nothing for some of them. The sex has just been to satisfy myself, like a hobby. I suppose its like being in the porn industry. You have sex with men as part of your job, the sex is meaningless and only gives you practise shall we say, to enable you to have the best possible sexual relationship with your partner. Sex with your partner means something entirely different, and im sure Kate has had found you through a process of elimination so to speak. The sexual relationships she has had in the past are just that-in the past and thats where they should remain. Everything happens for a reason...
And as for kate being 'out of your league,' thats just utter nonsense! Nobody is better than you. you are togther for a reason, everytime you have negative thoughts, i suggest you think of the good times you have had together..
Good luck..
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 August 2007):
 I think you should keep it private.
She is who she is and you can't change that. She can't go back in time and not sleep with all those men. You need to either take her as she is, or leave her. Don't let the subject fester. Do it in private. This is a decision you need to do yourself. Only you know what you prefer.
A good poster gave a hell of advice once. I will adapt it to you: "if you had slept with so many women, would that make you less valuable?" This is not an attack on you, but an attempt to shed light on your situation.
I'm afraid that your fear is not being loved. That is an universal fear, I guess. I would see it this way: she could be with anyone, but she chose to be with you. That is one of the signs of love.
If the relationship works in every aspect, I would not say a word. "If it ain't broken, it needs no fixin'".
I suppose this is a very heavy burden for you, one you would rather not discuss with people around you. Remember that this site exists to help people with problems like yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): Chill out and find a sense of confidence in yourself......
Where really does the struggle come from, ask yourself that question and answer it honestly. You will likely find the answer!!!
Take good care!
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