A
male
age
51-59,
*win2000
writes:Hello, I've been marriage to this wonderful lady for 2 years. Her prior marriage, her husband ended up being gay. From that marriage, she had 3 handsome boys. Now the father has had multiple boyfriends including a relationship that lasted 2 years. He is also in the boys lives. I thought that would be ok being around with the kids. I leave for a month to go on a business trip for a month. I come back and my wife told me she has feeling for him and falling back in love with him. He has cause her so much pain in the past. He left her while she was pregnant with the 3rd Child to be with another man. He was very controlling, dressing her and doing her hair etc... I thought my marriage with her is strong. But all this stuff started to happen when I was on the business trip. I asked her do she love me and she said yes. And she also has feeling for her ex-gay husband. I really dont know what to do. Please help... what can I do.
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female
reader, Miss Potter  +, writes (22 November 2008):
 This didn't just happen overnight... Ask her whether she is keen on working out the problem. Try to explain to her that she will just end up getting hurt again. She has been there, done that before, being controlled, being humiliated, why does she want to go through that again? Maybe she is stressed with the kids? Maybe she lacks excitement in her life - thus she wants the thrill of having her ex back?
You know, when we break up with our exes, we think of all the bad stuff that happened to end the relationship, then some time passes and we think, well there were definitely good moments too... Then later on there arent any really bad memories left, we just remember the good stuff - this is how our brain works, its proven. So, in this moment, if you have really moved on, and have a better partner than your ex have ever been all you think is - yes, there were good moments with my ex, but I am so happy now with my new partner, I wouldnt change it for anything else...
My point here is, something is making her unhappy, so she thinks she will be happier with her controlling ex.
Talk to her, consider councelling, do you help her around the house? Help her with her kids? Does she work? Do you earn enough money to support the family? Does her ex contribute to raising the kids financially?
You just really need to figure out whats going on, what you can do about it and how can you improve her quality of life I guess so that the idea of being with an abusive gay ex wouldnt be so appealing to her anymore!
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): Wow! What a mess! What does she hope to have with him, if he's into men? My heart goes out to you. I don't know what advice I can give you. I don't see how he could be a threat, unless he's bi.
I guess all you can do, if you truly love her (and she's still in love with you) is let her process these feelings and hopefully, she will realize that she's not thinking rationally. What's probably going on with her is feelings of the love she once had for him. As women, we have a hard time letting go of past loves...we remember the "good times" and what was shared in years gone by. We are sooo in love with the notion of love and at times we confuse that with present feelings. And as more time goes by, we seem to forget all the misery...and only think of happier times. She may just be confusing loneliness, (while you were gone) attention from him, and days gone by. She has a history with him, whether good, bad, or indifferent...she has three sons with him. There is an inevitable connection with this guy. If you love her, give her some time to sort these feelings, and come to her senses.
Incidently, you also have some processing to do. In the meantime continue loving her as you have. Show her how you feel about her and that you're in for the long haul!
My heart goes out to both you and your wife. I wish you the best and hope that together you can get through this!
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