A
male
age
41-50,
*hevara
writes:Hi ladies and gents, I am 29 going on 30 soon. I have been with my high school sweetheart for the past 13 years. We separated 7 months ago, right after new years. We have 2 kids a 12 year old daughter, and a 6 year old son. We had ups and downs, and stood by each others side through the good and bad times. We started from nothing, and accomplished so much; a family, a stable home, and a good life. So I thought. She now blames me for everything, and goes back 12 years ago, and throws my mistakes in my face. She uses every excuse, or all the bad against me. All the bad outweighs the good, even though the good is much more.Lets go back, we always did everything together as a family. Went to the movies, dinner, and all the family things. We had bad times and diagreements, but good times as well. I raised our son from a baby. He was always with me day and night. I didn't let her do much be helpful. I had my business which allowed me to take my kids in and out of town. I had my flaws and mistakes. I did ask her to spend us time or alone time. To go out and have a good time together. She would respond, are we single, did you forget we have a family. I slacked of around the house chores, but got the job done, took a while but got done. I did travel a bit, but was home 70% of the time when I had my business. We traveled as well, as a family.I saw changes in her, back in October 08. She started to dress more sexier, and wanted to go out more. So the sad thing my 12 year old saw the changes to, or even more. She started to hang around co workers women who are unhappy but make it seem they are happy. So during the holidays is when things hit rock bottom. Before thanksgiving she told me she didn't want to be with me any more. She said I love you, but not in love with you. I tried on pleasing her and trying to make things work till this day. I noticed her texting more and more.We went out a few times, and noticed she started drinking mixed drinks. We were with family, and didn't make a big dael of it. But a few arguements came about and came home late a few times. I would have the kids during these times, and my eldest would see. Finally on new years eve, we were our families homes and noticed she was texting. She would tell me it was her co worker, and even showed me all the little symbols she had sent her. Her family also noticed the sexy dressing, and the texting. So I was not the only one to notice, but I was the one feeling all the hurt.So on new years morning, I was a bit curious, and got her girlfriends # but there were 2 of them. So I got both #s, and since I knew her as well(but something about her bothered me, the gf) I tought she could give me an insight if something was wrong. So I called the gfs #s, and a mans voice answered. That really upset me, and I asked who was this man, and why was a womans name on both #s. She started to cry, and got real upset at me and said he was a coworker and asked why did I call for. I asked her to come clean if there was something going on, and if there wasn't, then my mistake. While we were talking, and arguing, she asked me to leave and get out of the house, so I said fine that was the best thing to do. I packed my cloths, and went seemy kids, and found my daughter holding my sons hand comforting him while crying. I saw this and it shattered me to pieces, and asked her whats wrong, she said I heard everything dad.To this day, I did what a good man/father should do, care, love, and distract my kids from this. So they have spent a lot of time with me, while mom is out having a good time with her gfs, and new friends, drinking, clubing, partying etc. Its not my kids fault mom decided to stray. My daughter is very upset with her as well my son, but I tell them mommy loves you both, that is your mom and will respect her. I have tried to reach out to her, to help her, and let her know I am still there. I know we all make mistakes, and are not perfect. What hurts is that her new years resolution was to put her self first, her happiness, and all about her. The person before, would never jeopardize her family, and would not do the things shes done, did , or is doing.Life takes you off guard and by surprise, in these situations. I have not been mr perfect, but I have not been a womanizer, alchoholic, addict. I have made mistakes, and I thought she had forgiven me. Mistakes that go back 12 years ago. She was the world, my best friend, my lover, my evrything. Lets just say, evrything she wouldn't do, she is doing. People she wouldn't hang out with, she now hangs out with. As for the man (coworker) I don't know and well I felt betrayed. I gave her all my heart and my trust, at times I felt a bit insecure, but she made me feel the securness of her. To this day she denies everything, told me; its like being young again, feels good not having to answer to no one, and feels good to be free. Wants to make her mistakes, or patern, she will be 32. She told me earlier this year, she doesn't want to look back 2 years from now and regret why she didn't do this. I told her you may look back 2 years from now and regret of why you did this.I can't get my young years back, that time is gone right. I still am young myself, but I have fought for my family, not just a woman. I have tried, and my little ones know it. In these situations, no one really wins, we all lose. I used to look for answers, now I don't search and are coming out. I hope she doesn't regret or snap out of it when its to late.
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male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (19 July 2009):
 This is a very sad tale of life, but unfortunately it is not an uncommon one. When two people get together at such a young age, the risk of growing apart as they grow and mature is massive. I think that most people at age 17 or 18 have no definite idea of their future path, what career they should follow, or how they will react to life's setbacks.
Your partner has now reached a point that every human comes to at some time. She is worried about getting older.
Her co-workers are not helping the situation, but mostly, its her own fears. She's now questioning her decision to stay with you, and have children. She is wondering if she should have done things differently. She is wondering if her life could have been any 'better', and blames you for the 'time' that she feels she has lost. And she blames you, because she is worried her 'time' is now limited.
I don't mean time on earth, but her fun time. She has questions to ask. How long will her looks last? How long will she be attractive to men? How long can she continue to keep her figure? What does it feel like to be viewed as sexy by a different man?
She feels that when she was at her most attractive, between age 20 and 30, she was only seen as a mother, not as a beautiful woman. And that's all your fault.
So now she wants to feel that way, and make up her 'lost time'. Theres nothing you can do. She won't just 'snap out of it'. It's not a passing phase. She wants to change her life before she feels its 'too late'. So, be patient and be there for her as a friend if she needs you, but don't expect her to come back to you as the same woman who left.
You should either move to the other side of the city, or ask her to. There seems to be no need to get attorneys involved, as you didn't say you were married. But you need to realise that getting your life back on the rails, and watching your children develop into fine young adults is your biggest priority. Spend as much time with them as possible. Start to live YOUR life. This wasn't really anyones fault, so don't let her blame you, and don't blame her. You are both very different people from the childhood sweethearts you once were.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): You've been married to her since she was young. She probably thinks that she didn't look around enough before she picked you and it's either now or never to look around. So she is giving up on you to see if there is someone better out there. She may find that guy, or she may get crushed and not find him. She would then realize that she left a good thing for something that wasn't as great. It doesn't matter anymore what she realizes or doesn't realize. Her choice is to leave you and you need to move on. I wouldn't recommend allowing her to return to you. The grass will will look greener when she is not with you for her, but greener with someone else when she is with you. I think it will take another 10 years for her to mature, if ever.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (19 July 2009):
 Sorry this is happening to you, but your wife left a long time ago. In her mind anyway. It's time to face facts here.
Its obvious that she was cheating, and is throwing this in your face. The starting of arguments, selfish behavior, digging up old wounds is a perfect example of someone that is and or was keeping secrets.Maybe you are still shellshocked, but the best thing you can do now for yourself and your kids(it seems that she feels she missed out on something and is gonna go hog wild) is to see an attorney, and get your finances in order, get yourself tested for std's, and prepare for divorce. I would have suggested marriage counseling, but her "entitled behavior" with her new year resolution pretty much indicated that she wants out permanently.
Yes your kids will suffer, but why have them suffer if they can see the bad things going down between her and you in the same house?
Time to prepare for divorce, move on with your life. She left in her mind long ago,. and you need to take off your blinders and move on.
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