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*onfusedfatherandBF
writes: Hi.I could really do with some advice.my girl friend has said she wants some space and has removed me from her home.she was married some 4 years ago. to cut the story down, she and her first daugter ( 3 at the time of divorce) were aparently being sexually abosed by her husband. She lost her son at full term (still born) and had to go through labour with him. All of these emoitions have been bottled up for years, she has nevver let them out. her first daughter ( who loves me to bits and has seen me a daddy for some years now) has started councelling at the age of 7. My girlfriend is dealing with her issues, Her first daughters issues, Our child (nearly 2 with suspected autism) and her father being stressed due to unemployment. She is also due to go into hospital for an operaion soon. As you can see she had alot on her plate. She has asked for a bit of space before (to get head through the issues she has). But within hours has called me round to help with the children.I have always been there for suport, but recently she has seen suport as hastling and controlling. I feel that now is when she needs my shoulder more than ever, but she is forcibley pushing me away.i can't understand what is happening. She says that she needs space, so i am hoping to give her the space she asks for ( this i find hard as i am very worred about her). what do i do ? what is happening? HELP
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female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (16 August 2006):
 If you decide you love her enough to go through al shit that may come up good luck, be patient and ask her to give you the chace to be her friend and to be confident to tell you if she wants to be alone, to shout, cry or scream in front of you, welcome to the carrousel.....loveAstrid
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female
reader, Astrid +, writes (16 August 2006):
Well I think she is overwhelmed by the situations she has recently gone trough and feels depressed, tired and lost, this is maybe the reason she cannot apprecite yout efforts and love, maybe she is not sure about her feelings I don't know dear but please try to relax, take a week holiday or just a weeekend ans disconnect, imagine how you would like your life to be from now on, if you would like to be with this girl at the moment or be just friends, if you should meet other women as most women in love wouldn't sleep with your mate and would appreciate your support through a difficult situation, other men would hav vanished long ago in your situation dear, you're a nice person and deserve respectloveAstrid
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A
female
reader, Astrid +, writes (16 August 2006):
Well I think she is overwhelmed by the situations she has recently gone trough and feels depressed, tired and lost, this is maybe the reason she cannot apprecite yout efforts and love, maybe she is not sure about her feelings I don't know dear but please try to relax, take a week holiday or just a weeekend ans disconnect, imagine how you would like your life to be from now on, if you would like to be with this girl at the moment or be just friends, if you should meet other women as most women in love wouldn't sleep with your mate and would appreciate your support through a difficult situation, other men would hav vanished long ago in your dituation dear, you're a nice person and deserve respectloveAstrid
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): Right now you must have patience. I answered your other question not knowing the full extent of this situation. Although she does not want to talk to you about the problems she is dealing with on her own, I suggest that you talk to her about the problems the two of you are having. Tell her that you very much want to be there to support her and help her through this, but that her defensiveness is only hurting your relationship with her. See how she reacts. If she is again defensive, let her be for a while. If she is receptive, you could perhaps suggest the two of you attend couple's counseling to work out the issues and break down the barriers she is putting up. She may not like this idea, and may not go for it right off the bat. Again, you must have patience if you want to save what is left of your relationship with her. Be understanding. Be a shoulder to cry on when she wants it, and be willing to back off for a while when she doesn't want to talk. I am very sorry to hear about everything you two and your families are going through. I imagine it isn't easy at all. Have patience. Healing takes time. I really hope everything works out and I hope this has been of some bit of help or comfort to you, at least. Take care of yourself!
~RJGirl
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male
reader, confusedfatherandBF +, writes (14 August 2006):
confusedfatherandBF is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe doesn't talk to me about her problems. I have tried listening, but it brings anger up in me (i was also abused, in public school). So i am going and see a counceller. I hope that if i can sort out my pain better, that I can be more supportive. I so much want to make it work. I also have to sort out my insicurities. My exwife (not the girl in question) told me just before our wedding that she had slept with my best friend. That has left its scars and when my girlfrind had postnatal depression, she lost her libido. this worried me and i have felt so pushed away since. she sais that i put on too much pressure. (don't get me wrong i only said the wrong things).
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): yeah, the worst thing you can do is not give a person who wants space their space. because whether it makes sense to you or not as to why she wants it, either way, she still wants it. so questioning it or wondering why she wants it doesn't get you anywhere. the only thing you can do is just back away and let her know that no matter what, you'll always be supportive, and let her know that if she needs anything, you'll always be around. but until then, let her make the calls.
i don't think it's too late if you haven't given her space yet. all you should say is that you're sorry you haven't been more understanding until now, and that even though you don't know why she wants time away, that you respect it and will give it no questions asked. and apologize for the time you haven't been giving her. but it's going to be hard on you. my girlfriend asked for time away from me recently for certain reasons i won't get into, but i just sank back and let her do her thing, trusting that she loved me enough to come back to me in the end. and she did. and in the long-run, she said it made her realize just how much i respected her and was willing to do anything for her. but it's hard. it's hard to give someone you love space when you know they're hurting and when you don't know the outcome of giving that space. but i promise you, if you don't start giving it to her, it's just going to push her away and you will lose her. whereas at least if you give her space, you may still get a chance to get her back in the end. the best of luck.
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A
male
reader, confusedfatherandBF +, writes (14 August 2006):
confusedfatherandBF is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to wait it out, she is my soul mate. I may have blown it as i didn't back off fast enough. I pray that there is still a chance.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (14 August 2006):
 I guess at this point you just have to go with the flow. Be there went she asks for help but back off when she indicates she needs that. That can be very tricky and it may also cause you some pain as well. It is up to you to decide whether you can wait it out AND be on call. She does have a lot to deal with at the moment. Good luck.
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