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male
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*rnaw
writes: Some one please help...I have a small problem with sharing. My girlfriend and I have been friends for many years and have always wanted to date but something has always stopped us (distance being one factor). We are together now and are extremely happy and madly in love. However, I have recently realized that I do not like sharing her with others. She has many male friends (over 75 guys in her address book alone). It's not like she calls them or hangs out with them, but when she is around them, even if I am there, I get upset because she is spending time talking with them rather than with me. I basically just boiled this sort of jealousy down to me just not liking to share her company. Whenever we are alone we are in heaven, but when we go out with friends and she starts talking with some other guy we are with rather than me, I start feeling upset again and become quite distant to her (ignore small gestures she makes toward me such as grabbing my leg, running her nails up and down my back for a few seconds). I don't know what to do. I wish I could just not care that she does this sort of thing but whenever she even talks to another guy or puts another guy above me for even a few minutes, it all starts happening again. Please please help... I will forever be in your debt.Sincerely,The one that doesn't like to share
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2006): Let me get this straight: You feel you have more intimacy with your girlfriend when you are alone with her rather than being out together with other people. You feel she is more attentive when you are alone together. The reason being, you suspected, is that she has only to focus on you, which makes you the most important person in her life.
The question you need to look into is: Why do you feel that you are not important in her life when you two are out together with friends when she gives you signs that you are by touching your leg or rubbing your back? You mentioned that she talks to them more. Could it be that she's friendly or polite? Have you consider giving your comments into the topic being discussed? As suggested before, she may be talking to other guys in your presence, but she makes physical contact with you to ensure that you know that she is there with you and that she is your girlfriend. You said you ignore them because you get upset. YOu don't think that it's a little dangerous to the relationship to ignore these little gestures of love just because you get upset? In my opinion, it is because you ignore these gestures that you feel she is not paying attention to you. Her gestures are meant to reassure you that she cares for you and she knows you're there. To ignore them is like slapping her hand away when she wants to tell you that she cares for you. Do you not see that you are doing so when you ignore her gestures?
Insecurity plays a major role in this predicament. And of course, insecurity leads to jealousy. I feel that you have nothing to worry about. Seems like she has nothing to hide. She's hanging out with other guys in your presence and she giving them hints that she is yours. To me, that should put you in a secure state. Maybe you can talk to her. Let her know that you are uncomfortable when she pays more attention to the other party by talking to them more. After communicating your unsettling feelings about her neglecting you when going out with other people, listen to what she has to say and don't make accusations. See where that takes you. I'm sure she doesn't know what she is doing is upsetting you. You both definitely need to work on this together.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2006): this is your call. everyone has thier own boundaries etc. i'd tell her how you feel about it but not in a confrontational manner. if she cares enough she'll at least cut down the time she spends with them
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2006): What it sounds like to me is that your girlfriend is flirtatious and likes plenty of attention. And she will get it by any means possible either it being positive or negative. You two have something special together as you say when your alone things are heavenly. I don't think there is anything wrong with her talking to guys, if she was to be touching them that would give a reason to worry. I would explain to her how uncomfortable it makes you feel and see if she takes your feelings into consideration. If not there is a decision you have to make. Accept the way she is or move on and find someone else that you wil feel at ease with. If she truly cares about you she will put a stop to what she's doing or at least alter her ways knowing that it bothers you. If she chooses to be flirtatious even after you expressed the way you feel then find someone else that will respect the way you feel.
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A
female
reader, jaime +, writes (4 January 2006):
You shoudnt stop her from being friends with other boys. But i understand you get a bit jelous and you dont want to share her. Your the one shes with arent you? Dont you have any girl mates?
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A
female
reader, Angel Underneath +, writes (4 January 2006):
When she starts to run her hands up and down the other guys leg or scratches their back then worry. Be proud of her for being popular. Be proud of yourself for having such a lovely girlfriend. Her mates can be your mates too. Make an effort to chat to them about things that interest you rather than talk and "you and her" things. She will find your new found independence and maturity very attractive
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (4 January 2006):
 Dearie, well i have twice that amount of guys name in my address book cos i read engineering and there were mostly guys in my courses from undergrad, to masters then phD. it doesnt mean i did it with them, they are purely my friends and i am sure that is the same with her. Who knows maybe she keeps her friends intact and am sure there are alot of girls name u didnt bother looking at.
If u do love her and she is committed to you then that's all that matters.
Jelousy is normal so dont feel there is a thing wrong with u. what is wrong is if u take it to extreme which apparent u havent. if u do so u will end up losing her.
Possiveness is another issue, it usually goes with jelousy. Not wanting to share her attention with others even if for minuete.You have to realise that she will have other male friends and cant just walk by them when she is with u. THe big relief is that she isnt with them.
All i can say is that u should learn to curb this feelings down if u do love her. i know u are trying to work on them by reaching to us for help. dont worry u will be fine.
take care dear.
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A
male
reader, Skintooth4  +, writes (4 January 2006):
 I know that it might be hard to do but sometimes you've gotta just let her be. She likes you enough to keep coming back to you even when shes got 75 guys in her address book. Just think outta those 75 your the one that takes her home your the one that rubs her nails on your back. Jealousy is normal but just don't let it get outta hand. Remember she picke you outta 75 ;)
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (4 January 2006):
Hi there,
I understand how you feel, jealousy is a pretty hard feelign to live with. But lets take a moment to think about what jealousy is exactly. Jealousy can come in many forms, some being betrayal, fear, hurt, anger, anxiety, lonlieness, envy, feeling excluded, feeling powerless, feeling adequtete, paranoia, depresion. I think with your situation the main feelings would be fear, hurt, anger, anxiety, lonlieness, excluded,& powerless. So from that its not a good thing to live wiiht is it?
Jealousy is feeded by fear- fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of loosing power or loosing a relationship.
Would you say its fair to say that you think your not as good as these other guys? Do you not think of yourself as a worthy person as your gf's lover? often jealousy represents our insecurities, and in your case do you think you are feeling insecure that your gf might prefer another guy over you?
You need to ask yourself what is it that you really fear? what can I do to make the situation feel more safe for me? what is the worst thing that could happen? and how likely is that to happen?
Hopefully now you have a better understanding of your feelings which will make it easier to deal with. For more info, go to this site: http://www.romanceopedia.com/O-JealousyHurts.html
I think that since you truly love you gf and that hwne you both are alone you feel so good, that this is worth working on and not just udmping her! I think you should talk to her. Explain to her your feelings and make it clear how importnat they are. Hopeefully she will understand and perhaps even get her to look at that web site. Explain to her how you feel, so if she understands she will be more sympathetic and be bale to help you get thorugh this tough time!
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (4 January 2006):
Hi there,
I understand how you feel, jealousy is a pretty hard feelign to live with. But lets take a moment to think about what jealousy is exactly. Jealousy can come in many forms, some being betrayal, fear, hurt, anger, anxiety, lonlieness, envy, feeling excluded, feeling powerless, feeling adequtete, paranoia, depresion. I think with your situation the main feelings would be fear, hurt, anger, anxiety, lonlieness, excluded,& powerless. So from that its not a good thing to live wiiht is it?
Jealousy is feeded by fear- fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of loosing power or loosing a relationship.
Would you say its fair to say that you think your not as good as these other guys? Do you not think of yourself as a worthy person as your gf's lover? often jealousy represents our insecurities, and in your case do you think you are feeling insecure that your gf might prefer another guy over you?
You need to ask yourself what is it that you really fear? what can I do to make the situation feel more safe for me? what is the worst thing that could happen? and how likely is that to happen?
Hopefully now you have a better understanding of your feelings which will make it easier to deal with. For more info, go to this site: http://www.romanceopedia.com/O-JealousyHurts.html
I think that since you truly love you gf and that hwne you both are alone you feel so good, that this is worth working on and not just udmping her! I think you should talk to her. Explain to her your feelings and make it clear how importnat they are. Hopeefully she will understand and perhaps even get her to look at that web site. Explain to her how you feel, so if she understands she will be more sympathetic and be bale to help you get thorugh this tough time!
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A
female
reader, Tinkz  +, writes (4 January 2006):
 Well there is nothing wrong with a bit of jelousy, but once you feel it's getting to much, take a walk to the bath room!
Girls normally have more male numbers and the visa versa.
You said yourself it's not like she calls them or goes out of her way to speak to them, she speaks to them in a friendship group.
The small gestures are a way of letting other guys know that she has a boyfriend and that she is not interested, keep that in mind. But if you shrugg it of this will tell other guys that you not interested, so when she makes the gestures give her a kiss on the cheek. Not only will this give guys the picture, but it will make her feel better and it will make you feel better.
Feel good knowing she is yours!
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