A
female
age
30-35,
*ndivided
writes:This has been on my chest for a while. Although I know I am wrong for feeling like this, I absolutely cannot stand this girl who I will be living with next year. It didn't start off like this, but even the thought of her now ruins my mood and I compare everything about her to me despite telling myself not to. The main thing that triggered my jealousy and hatred for her happened because of her ex-boyfriend. She went out with him in the beginning of the year, decided she didn't like him enough, so she dumped him. I come into the picture later on in the year and started to develop feelings for him. I thought he liked me too, because that was what he told me at one point, and we went out secretly before breaking it off, with him telling me that he wanted the previous drama with her to wear off before going out with me.I was alright with it, but the day before we moved out from campus for summer, I talked to him about it again, and he told me that he doesn't like me enough to sacrifice our 'social circle.' We share a really close one together, but mainly I realize that he didn't want to go out with me because he still wasn't over her, and he was just using me as a replacement. I was so hurt, but I couldn't tell anyone because we did it in secret. Even though I know she didn't do anything wrong, I can't help but feel sick thinking about her. I don't think it's fair, that she got to break up with him. She gets to break his heart, and he breaks mine in return. Why is it so unfair? We are so similar, but she always has the upper hand in everything. Even in our courses, she did so much better than me last year because she went to a good high school, in a good region while I grew up in a ghetto town. I studied just as hard as her, but I never get half of the things back in return. Since my university is prestigious in a way, I didn't know anyone going in because I was one of the few people who even managed to make it to a good university from my school. I am an introverted person, so I had a hard time finding a social circle during the beginning of the year. She is just as introverted, but because of where she went to school, she knew people coming in and that is how she met him. I can't stand the thought that while I was alone and miserable in my dorm, she was going out with him and sharing those great moments in life. But when I was going out with him, our romance was plagued with misery and secretiveness. If she didn't know people coming in, she would have been just as lonely as I was. I know what I am typing right now sounds like an extreme case of jealousy, but I can't help how I feel. I've been trying to stop it for so long, but I have to see her again and I just don't want to feel like this anymore. Everybody is always on her side, fending for her. It makes me so angry that he used the same excuse to break up with me, as the excuse she used to break up with him. What was I to him? A pawn to get his revenge? I didn't do anything wrong. All I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy. But what did I get in the end? I get all the pain. When he broke up with me, I had to pretend to be happy the next day and help my other housemates move their stuff in. I had to sit next to her on that three hour car-ride home, and she gets car-sick. I took care of her when she started crying in the car because she felt so sick, but I wanted nothing more but to yell at her. Why does she always have to have people taking care of her? I just got broken up with the day before because of her, and she still get all the sympathy while I have to rip a smile on my face. It's just so unfair. It's not like I'm less attractive than her. I can't even stand seeing her facebook, so I make it so that it doesn't show up on my newsfeed. I just feel like she gets everything I want, and I can never voice this out without having everyone turning on me for feeling like this. I feel like I'm being ripped apart. Everybody says it's not her fault, and I know that. But it's because of her that I got hurt. Please, somebody help me get over this. It's been haunting me for so long.
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female
reader, Undivided +, writes (9 August 2012):
Undivided is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Honeypie, thank you for constantly answering my question. Maybe it is a matter of mis-communication over the internet, but it seems like you see me in a very negative light. I understand I made some mistakes, but I feel as though I didn't make all the mistakes. This title is misleading, I suppose. I didn't make it, my original question was 'how do I stop being jealous of her?' without the sympathy bits added in between. Rationally, my jealousy of her is mainly because of him. Before what happened between me and him, I really didn't feel anything for her.
What do I plan on telling her? Well, firstly she doesn't know what happened. I plan on telling her before I see him again, to explain to her how I feel. I'm afraid that I might lose control and say things I don't mean, and I just want to apologize before hand, if such a day were to happen. I also feel like telling her would make me feel better, it's too hard keeping it all in anyways to myself. I was thinking I would just invite her to have a coffee with me, tell her honestly what happened and how it has been affecting me this entire summer. I think it's fair.
The housing situation is complicated. We are a group of six girls, who I all consider my good friends. She is just one of them. We all signed a lease in the beginning of the year, so I cannot break it without significant financial penalty. It is a three story house, and clearly, we sorted out the arrangements before any of this happened. Understandably, that is why I am living literally next to her. Even if I were to relocate to the floor above, or the floor below it wouldn't make much of a difference, because in the end, it is another small house. Secondly, I really do appreciate them as friends. But I can't help but realize that every time I look at her, I will be reminded of having my heart-broken. Because every time I see her, I will remember how he broke up with me to get back at losing her.
With all honesty, I am not a petty person. I suppose keeping occupied helps, but at the end of the day, I will still be right next door. By the ways, nobody in this entire group knows anything about this. Except for one girl, who I know did not tell anyone. She was on my side the entire time, comforting me about it. A part of me wants to tell every one what happened, so I never have to see this guy again. It's just really difficult to keep it all in. Naturally, my feelings of pain turn into jealousy and hatred. And one thought leads to another, making me have rushes when everything feels like it's too much. I just wish I didn't have to be so close to her next year. Really, I'm conflicted by all means.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 August 2012):
 She doesn't know about you and her ex? Or does she? And by telling her what do you think you will get from her?
And how do you let go? Well, you start to focus on other things, you "branch" out and find new people to spend time with. I know that is harder done then said, but at a campus you have a huge group of peers and hopefully there will be some whom you share interest/hobbies with.
And as far as room mates go, CAN you swap room or would that in fact cause even more drama?
And do you know exactly why you are jealous of her? Is it because she gets sympathy/attention easily? Or is it over this guy?
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A
female
reader, Undivided +, writes (9 August 2012):
Undivided is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. I know that being jealous is wrong, and if I could stop them I would, but I can't. That's why I'm asking for help.
To be honest, if I were to never see her again, I wouldn't think about it as much. It is the fact that I will be living with her next year, in such a close proximity, that makes me so anxious when I think about it since my school year will start in less than a month. I'm sorry if I sound like a terribly bitter person from my last post. In real life, I have always been the most docile one in the group. I try to be the peace-maker, and I have always just wanted everyone to get along. I know what happened between me and him was wrong, but at the same time, I didn't hurt anyone in the process. I really did think I was in love. It was my first time ever even having a relationship (or whatever you call that), so I'm inexperienced with this kind of pain.
Maybe the real question should be, how do I let go? If it is unreasonable and unhealthy to be jealous of her, is it at least understandable that I don't want to see her yet; and live in such close proximity from her--her bedroom is literally next to mine? Or should I talk to her about it?
I have been trying to let go of this the entire summer. I have let him go, because clearly I'm not living with him next year. But I can't let her go, because she is everywhere in my life. Same faculty, same lectures, same house.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 August 2012):
It's NOT because of her you got hurt. YOU did that to yourself. 1. NEVER date a friends ex. And CERTAINLY not behind everyone's back. THAT was your first mistake.
Your second mistake was dating a guy who could care less about you. Really IF he had truly cared, he would have talked to his ex and told her and not asked YOU to keep it secret.
I understand that you feel heartbroken, the guy you really liked and wanted to date, didn't want to be with you. THAT is not her fault.
I understand if you feel a little ill-used by this guy. Because he did use you as his little rebound fling after ended it with his ex.
So honey, look at the actions of the people around you. Be honest with yourself. I think you might be more mad at YOU for YOUR actions then you are at her? And ENVY and PETTY behavior is never attractive on anyone.
Maybe it's time for you to move out of the little circle of friend and make some new ones that are "just" yours? Meet new people, let go of that douche bag. There are plenty of better guys out there.
And STOP blaming her. Own your own actions.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (8 August 2012):
Indeed it is not her fault. It is actually your own fault and the more you deny what really happened and the truth of the situation, the more you will drive yourself into a corner. The guy you tried to secretly date dumped you...get over it. He didn't like you. Stop blaming your friend or yourself. In the first place, secretly dating was never a good sign. Further more you can not even talk about it with anyone so it's understandable your thoughts got carried away. So you went from having friends to nothing by going this university. I can understand that. I usually say when girls get jealous like this, they either have too much times on their hands or don't love themselves enough. I think it would be important to spend some time for yourself to think about the truth instead of lying to yourself. Because at this rate you will get no where, and no one will feel sorry for you. It would be a shame if you waste your true self for these petty fights
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