A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Stupid argument? My girlfriend and I arranged to have a date night last night. She forgot about it once already, as the week progressed and she forgot about it once again last night. It's been a rather stressful week for her at work and personal stuff. I told her that it was ok, not to worry-deal with what she needs to deal with. I also told her that i would be there for her when she needed me. About an hour later we spoke on the phone and agreed to meet at the mall for a quick bite. Once I saw her we had a long hug. As we walked I commented that I was sorry we didn't have our "real" date full of fun and she responded with a comment that basically said she didn't care that it got cancelled. I knew it was just the fatigue talking. We ordered our dinner, and waited and talked with our arms around each other. As we found a place to eat I asked her about her day to which she responded that she didn't want to talk about it. This was the third day this week she said that, but I let it go. However, when i went to tell her about my day, she didn't really seem interested. Again, I knew she was tired, but it was starting to drain my enthusiasm for the evening. We ate, did some shopping then went out for desert where we sat next to each other and she rested her head on my shoulder. We parted ways and I texted her that we will have a "real" date next time. Morning rolled around to me seeing her blasting me via text that she did didn't care for the way I kissed her goodnight, and some of the comments I said during the evening. She felt that I was just upset with her because she wasn't making time for me. This really put me on the defensive and so being my nature, I apologized. I didn't want to tell her that she precipitated any bad mood I may have had. We have now not talked all day and I know she needs time to calm herself. I really think this is a dumb argument to have and that I am just the recipient of all the stress she's feeling right now. My question is whether or not, when we sit and talk this through later, is it okay for me to tell her my side of it, or did I give up that right when I apologized? She's used to being in relationships where any argument deteriorated into a tit-for-tat scenario and I don't want that, however I don't want to accept all the blame for something that was a misunderstanding on both our parts. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies folks. We didn't talk for almost an entire day. She refused - kept saying she didn't know what to do about this situation. I left her be. She text me the next morning admitting "it was stupid for me to refuse to text you". we then swapped normal everyday small talk for about an hour. I went out of town to visit a friend for the day and all my friends told me not to text her - give her space. She finally text me at about 11 pm saying it was weird not talking to me. We spoke for about an hour on the phone where she said that her work and her kids were her priorities and she knew i would support her in that, which i do being a parent myself. She said that she needs at least 2 months to get things under control during which time our time together would be limited and then would improve. We met on Monday morning before work and gave each other a very long and tender hug. She later sent me a text saying that she was afraid that maybe she pushed me away. I love her there's no doubt about it, but I wonder if i would be better off walking away. Gives her the time/space she needs and keeps me from feeling resentful when there's no time for me. If it was meant to be, we'll be together later on.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 January 2013):
 She seems to take you for granted. That you abide by HER busy schedule and suffer WITH her if she is stressed. Now I DO think it's nice to have someone to share with when you are stressed, but she is taking it out on you. Which I don't think is fair.
YOU on the other hand, are totally passive-aggressive. Be honest man. You are NOT ok with her forgetting dates. You pretend to be, but then you pass out these "woe is me" comments and she rolls with them like they were actual jabs. Frankly, I get why she got annoyed. You kept reminding her of her shortcomings.. no one likes that. SHE on the other hand needs to FIND time to see you, IF she wants the relationship to work.
When you DO talk to her, BE honest. This is not a HER VERSUS YOU issue. This is an "how do we make this work - issue".
And honey, stop apologizing, unless you actually DO something wrong.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 January 2013):
That's a very difficult situation, one that I find my wife putting me in on occasion. In fact we had a date night ruined by stress recently as well. When I changed plans (no reason to spend a lot of money when a bad mood will ruin it anyways) managed to turn it around on me also.
One thing I know for certain is that you can't apologize when you haven't done anything wrong. The exception is if you clarify that you're apologizing not because you were wrong but because you want to make peace. I, "I'm sorry you felt that way."
You need to approach it when she isn't stressed out. She obviously doesn't deal with stress very well, so you won't be able to reason with her at that time.
After she's feeling better tell her that you understand she is stressed out but it's not acceptable to be taking it out on you. She needs to understand that there are consequences to this kind of behavior, such as you leaving her, even on date night and going to see a movie by yourself. Tell her that she's not acting in a manner that makes you want to spend time with her.
You can ask her to tell you how she expects you to act when she's stressed out. Does she want silence? Does she want to veg out in front of the tv with a glass of wine? What would help her?
Changing someone's behavior is very difficult. You can usually leave her or learn to live with it.
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