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male
age
36-40,
*onathanharris
writes: Hi, I’m posting because I desperately need help. This is quite long and messed up, but if you have the time, please I would greatly appreciate any advice. In November 2005 I met my recent girlfriend, we clicked immediately and started dating and soon enough we fell madly in love. We would spend hours a day talking on the phone and I would spend every Saturday with her, we would spend hours just holding each other and looking in each others eyes and talking of our love. She was the best friend Iv had in my life and it made me the happiest Iv been in my life too. Then last august whilst I was on holiday she was sexually abused by her uncle. When I got back it was a living hell, her family was split in half, all bar her mother and brother said she was lying (she doesn’t see her father). But I loved her so much and although it hurt so much to have something like this done to the most important part of my life I stuck by her and stayed with her everyday. We battled through as much as we could and my love of her grew by the day. Then she went on holiday for a week with her mum to get away from things, when she got back it was my 18th Birthday and she seemed slightly off, it wasn’t obvious but I could tell and it scared the hell out of me, I couldn’t lose her. The next week I had a phone conversation with her and things felt wrong, like she kept snapping at me, which she had never done before the next day she said she didn’t think we should go out with me anymore and that she didn’t want a boyfriend any more and that she didn’t want anyone to think of her in a physical way anymore. I wept for hours talking to her, it had destroyed me, and after hours I managed to convince her of how I really felt, that physical things meant nothing to me and that she was my best friend and how deeply I loved her eventually she said ok, and that we needed to take step back in terms of out physical love, which was fine with me. We talked as normal for the next few days, and then one day she said she had been to hasty and that she just didn’t want a boyfriend any more, that she wanted to spend more time with her friends and put her sole attention into her school work. It absolutely destroyed me I cried for days and was totally wrecked. Eventually I decided that as things were going in order to forget her I was going to have to convince myself that I hated her, which wasn’t true, so I phoned her and asked if we could stay in contact through phone and be friends and so I could slowly phase out my feelings with time which she said was fine. I thought that was ok as we still seemed to be able to chat as easy as before, then when I tried to speak to her a month later it was like talking to a brick wall, all she said when I chatted with her was yes or no and then she was sarcastic to me when I tried to tell a joke. After that I decided that she was a horrible person and that I didn’t need her, and assumed she didn’t want to talk to me and that I wouldn’t hear from her again. Then a week ago she phoned again for a chat, which surprised me, and we chatted like normal for and hour and she said she would see me at a new years party. At the party it took me about an hour for me to convince myself to talk to her and things generally were ok when I did, we know each other inside out so talking was fine.The problem is that now I just want her back so much, I’m quite a shy person and have never ever just clicked like I did with her with anyone else before she was my first love. We shared the same music taste, which I rarely do with people and we went to gigs lots together. She really was my best friend and I just want her so much and it hurts so much to want something so bad yet not being able to do anything about it. I know I have to do something to feel happy again, but I just don’t think I'll ever find someone i'll get on with so much and thus love someone as much again, as a result I just want her back as she is so perfect and I don’t understand how she could stop being in love with me so fast. So much stuff goes through my head and I don’t know what to do, whether to try and let go, or carry on loving her and hope she changes her mind. I love her so much and I’ve never been a particularly confident person, yet she gave me that and now its just been wiped out. We went out for 11 months and she ended it 3 months ago yet I love just as much as ever. Please help me.
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reader, Jonathanharris +, writes (3 January 2007):
Jonathanharris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that magnimodi that helps a bit, its just that we both go to different sixth forms and thus since october iv only spoken to her for about 4 hours as i talk to her like once a month on the phone now. I almost feel like im too scared to mention us again, I really want to talk to her about the things we went through together again. Its so hard to have to try and have to guess her perceptions on our relationship. It just feels so weird talking to her again after we spent so much time together over the past year.
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male
reader, MagniModi +, writes (2 January 2007):
 Hey buddy. It sounds like you really do love this girl. As I'm sure you already know (you seem like an intelligent guy), something like what happened to your loved one is a truly life altering event. The world becomes a sick place, man. The best thing to do for the relationship is to do EXACTLY what she needs you to do. Give her space. Give her love. Let her know that you're there for her if she needs to talk. Tell her that, even though you know you could never empathize with or even fully comprehend what happened to her (face it, you couldn't), it still helps to talk. Forget yourself and the relationship man. If you really love this girl then you'll put everything else aside until you see that glow in her eyes again. Also remember, what she says she needs and what she actually needs can sometimes be different things completely, go with your gut. Peace, man.
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