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male
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*aptop1955
writes: just before xmas my partner of 7 years dumped me,ever since i have known her she has struggled for money,her dad died 4 years ago and this had a devastating effect on her,her spending since then has spirraled out of control she now owes £30000 wiyh no way of paying it back,i use to help her get through each month,so i dont understand why she dumped me knowing she wont be able to pay her bills whai i want to know is does anybody know if having debts like that can make you think different,she is often very down because of it
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): Not loving you, and not wanting to be with you is a DIFFERENT issue than needing to pay you back for things you've willingly spent on her and for her. I mean, the relationship wouldn't be genuine if she stayed with you for the sake of not having to pay you back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): It is a warning sign of much deeper issues that she uses spending to give her a confidence boost...this is no different from those who use sex, alcohol, drugs to make themselves feel better.
Certain people who have had an emotionally abusive childhood develop this need to use such means to alieviate the burden of scars and lack of self esteem and self worth.
I think viewing yourself as someone who could provide for her in that you paid he debts left you with this unhealthy sense of entitlement that she owes you by being with you.
I suggest you both get individual counselling to address your issues.
Best Wishes.
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male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (23 January 2007):
 Hi. Financial problems are one of the biggest causes of divorce. They put extreme pressure on people, which may cause them to act out of character. If you love her, support her. I suggest you discuss the problem with her openly and help her make some sort of deal with her creditors. This might help her get back on an even keel where she can think more clearly about the relationship. Good luck and take care.
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male
reader, mrbeanyuk  +, writes (23 January 2007):
Having such a large amounts of debt on her back could not have made her want to leave. Although it depresses many people, I honestly think there may be more to it. Did you support her all the time, or put any pressure on her about the debts?
If you fully supported her then I can only imagaine she didnt want you to suffer her problem.
Leave it a while for her to sort herself out then arrange a coffee and ask her personally.
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female
reader, cd206 +, writes (23 January 2007):
 I'm a little confused by the title of this problem and the content. Does she in fact owe YOU £30,000 or other people? If it's other people essentially what you're saying is that she should stay in a relationship she's not happy in because you have the money to help her get through the month. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to compromise her happiness. If, on the other hand, she owes you the money then it's slightly riskier ethically. Anyone lending that amount of money should draw up some kind of legal contract to make sure it is paid back. If you didn't do this call the Citizens Advice Bureau for further advice.
CD
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