A
male
age
41-50,
*adds
writes:hey all...need some advice. about a year ago i started dating this girl and things began wonderfully. she had just come out of a 7 year on/off relationship with a guy that was controlling, jealous and had cheated on her in the past...really had messed with her trust issues. i am a successful professional, and have a lot to offer a woman. her family was absolutely thrilled that she was seeing me after leaving the loser. over the course of the year we grew very close. i became good friends with her brothers and was truly a part of her family; they loved me. on a daily basis she professed her love for me and was constantly talking about marriage and kids in the future. initially, i was concerned that she was only with me for my money, but she was hurt by this and assured me that she really loved me. over the course of the year, things got a little stagnant...i withdrew a little bit (went off my anti-depressants for some stupid reason), and i didn't show her enough affection or give enough compliments. i think she started to feel insecure. we never really fought much, but she couldn't certainly sense my apathy. unfortunately, that is a pattern for me in long term relationships. however, i really did love her and looked forward to having a family with her. well, we had a fight at the beginning of december and she said she needed space. i began to get scared and started smothering her with flowers and letters to try to win her back b/c i sensed that she was pulling away. after about a week she said she no longer wanted to date me, but wanted to be alone. well, i come to find out that she started talking to the ex -- whom she had had no contact with while we were together over the past year. she came over to my place when i was not there and took all her personal belongings and refuses to talk to me. she is now back together with her ex and is telling everyone that she thought about him the entire time she was with me, that she missed him, and that his jealousy issues have gotten better and this time it feels right with him. however, knowing these types of guys, things will be great for awhile, but i'm sure he'll revert back to his old self. i don't see how they could ever have a normal relationship given his previous cheating and degrading comments (calling her a "whore" when she never deserved it). do these kinds of guys ever change? it seems she has made up her mind that she wants to spend the rest of her life with this guy, but i'm sure it's only a matter of time until things start to go downhill with him. i want to contact her by e-mail and tell her how i think she is making a big mistake and don't want to see her ruin her life, but i also think that could be a bad move. i wonder if she thinks of me at all and misses me, or if she is so wrapped up in love with this guy that she has completely forgotten me. i wonder if she will ever realize she made a mistake, that i was willing to work on my intimacy issues and she'll give me another chance. right now, i'm not too hopeful, but everyone keeps telling me she'll miss me someday. as for now she has completely cut me out of her life (mainly b/c i think her ex is very jealous and wants her to cut all ties with me). anybody have any advice on how to proceed...should i let sleeping dogs lie, or should i wait a few months and send her an email with my true feelings?
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female
reader, Harriet-Jayne  +, writes (4 January 2009):
 I am very young still so my advice probably wont do much for you, but I have found its best not to pledge your love for someone when they have gotten back with an ex. I think you need to take a step back and let her realise shes missed out. Give this jealous ex of hers what he wants and she will see that hes not all that hes cracked up to be and is the reason she has lost you,
Good Luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): I think you should let it lie. There are too many people in the world that are single and looking for love, for anyone to pin all their hopes on someone who's in love with another. If things don't work out with her ex, she might get in touch with you then - people seem to think about their previous lover when things don't work out with their current one. And it sounds to me as if that relationship is doomed for failure. If she resumes contact with you then, maybe you could try to rebuild a relationship, but don't wait around for that. Try to work on your own intimacy issues, and give yourself time to grieve the end of this relationship. If you do these things, when the next girl comes along you will be emotionally ready to give yourself completely.
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