A
male
age
36-40,
*amienmo
writes:Right, well I'm not really sure what category to place this in because there are three portions to my problem; self-esteem, grief and romantic. And I'm not sure there is an answer. But some independent advice on any of the aspects may help. So basically I've been suffering terribly with depression and anxiety for the past month and a half as well as chronic insomnia. It all started when a relationship ended with a girl going away to go back to college. I cannot say the relationship was great even though she was beautiful, as I felt insecure that I was inadequate and I can't say she particularly helped but I suppose she kind of took it for the short term thing it was, but I still had powerful feelings with her. I invested a lot in it as she was the first girl I had probably had feelings for in years. I have become obsessed with thoughts of jealousy about the great time she is having and all the guys she is seeing even though I know logically it is ridiculous to do so as we are no longer together and there is no way a relationship could ever have worked out between us due to distance. BUT I AM STILL OBSESSED. To do the amateur psychology bit on myself I think it could be because I lost one parent this year and another has left and I cannot get in contact with them and as I am also unsatisfied professionally, I may have placed all of my value and self worth in that person. Even though in all honesty she wasn't right for me and was not terribly nice. But the jealousy and obsession still consumes me.I also feel terribly down on myself, useless, worthless and disgusted at myself for being so stupid in obsessing over someone when they or I really don't deserve it. I have become so cynical about everything: not just love and relationships but about life in general, I can see no value in it. It's as though that was the catalyst for me just realising how sh** the entire year has been so far and the fact that that was the first halfway 'good' thing to happen to me this year I feel lost, worthless and unclear of what I should do. If I'm honest with myself I fell in love with her, or the idea of her at least, and she essentially dumped me. The fact that she was trying to get me to hit on other girls as well didn't help! I've never been dumped before so this is my first experience of it, and yes, it's as sh** as I had imagined.It's also imparted a cynicism on me of what women really want. It's given me a terrible view of the female sex and I feel as though I should just use women for sex from now on and never let myself get into such a vulnerable emotional situation again. Something I don't really want to feel. And finally, I have started to get panic attacks because of all of this self hate etc. meaning I find it difficult to get to sleep. I am reticent to try sleeping tablets because I am aware of their affects.So if anyone has any suggestions to any of those issues listed above I would appreciate it. Thanks.
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fell in love, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): Been there before, obsession aint love. With your case you feel you where taken for a fool, all i have to say is you will get over her in time. Some times you will low but dont let get you down, prayer to God helped me alot to sooth my pain. Youl be fine man it gets better in time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): I think you should let her know how you feel. It seems she did not take the relationship too seriously, perhaps because it was going to be long distance. You should have a good talk with this girl and discuss things and if she doesn't feel the same or she can't handle an LDR then you have to just accept that and get on with your life.
Its always good to talk things through first, even if the only positive thing to come out of it is the fact that you get closure. I would say you are insecure because you are grieving the loss of a parent and thats alot to cope with, You have no control over that situation unfortunately, so all you can do is take it one day at a time.
You do have some control over this situation with the girl, however you might not feel that you have. You can make her aware of your feelings, how hurt you are and find out where you stand. If you need to move on then delete all her contact info and spend as much time with your mates as you can or look at doing something that can improve YOUR personal development, new hobbies, courses etc..
Rome wasn't built in a day and this is going to be a long process for you, but you have your whole life ahead of you and you have many more people to meet yet.
Finally don't pity yourself and this situation your in it will only drag you down more and don't allow grief and bitterness to ruin your life. If you choose to go down the route of using women for sex well that will only give you short-term satisfaction. In the long run you will feel even more bitter than you are now, lonely and throw in guilt and a bad reputation on top of that.
It's always nice to be nice and when you feel somebody is taking advantage of that, have it out with them. However this sounds like an LDR issue, which in that case its not that she didn't care its that she can't handle long distance, but you'll need to talk to her.
Good Luck.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): all i can say is... if you really love her you will let her go.
be happy for her that shes doing something with her life and going to college.
i understand you cant replace her but try and find someone and get your mind off of her. :)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 August 2011):
 Dump is a strong word. It implies you are not good enough. It didn't work out and it would never work out because of distance. Some people know from the beginning they can't handle an LDR and they turn off emotionally. You on the other hand risked but unluckily she was not on the same page. I think a person who refuses to go into an LDR is actually more optimistic because they know that love is easy to find. This has nothing to do with you not being good enough. I know it's hard for you to be optimistic after losing your parents.
If you don't want to try sleeping pills, try valerian root.
Things happen for a reason and in this past year you lost everything that's dear to you. It challenges your identity. Something good must come out of this. When I know people who have similar experiences like you did they became mature and more compassionate people. They cherish life more and they don't take anything for granted. They are able to calm that ego which screams, "I need this I need that in order to be happy!"
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