A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for over 3 years now and we have a 11 month old daughter.I noticed that since the baby was born she stopped giving me any form of affection, the most I got was a peck on the lips. I dismissed this as nothing because of the baby but the situation was still the same 10 months later.I finally confonted her and after much pushing she said "I do get turned on and I do want to have sex...just not with you".Of course this hit me hard and I went and stayed at a friends house for a few days.After I came back, expecting to be told to collect my things; we talked, I told her that I don't want to lose my family and she decided to give it another go but made it clear that she was not going to change.I would really some advice on my situation and I would like to know why she won't change to help our relationship. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice. I will seriously take it into consideration.
As for the questions that have been asked:
1. The baby was planned by her but not by me. She purposly stopped taking the pill to get herself pregnant without my knowledge.
2. She tells me when she finds celebrities attractive all the time.
3. I asked her if there was someone else and she said there wasn't. I'm still a little paranoid she's seeing her ex though as they're in touch via texts and he has recently moved into a house with his mother which is a 10 minute walk from my house.
She has motive and alot of oppotunity seems I work 5 days a week but like I've said, it's probably just me being paranoid.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): My girlfriend said these exact same words to me 16 years ago now (when we were together for 3 years as well) and our sex life has been the pits since. That's one reason she's still a girlfriend and not a wife. It has caused me much heartache and pain, not so much that she said that (I didn't react as strongly to that as you did), but because she meant it when she said it (I can count the times we have had sex since on my fingers) and yet we are both unwilling to leave the relationship.Unlike your girlfriend, mine said she was willing to change. However, it was a lie. We came close to having sex last night but she stopped me at penetration. I told her how much I need that and (16 years later mind you!) she said "I'll try to work at it." I've heard that line for years now. Are you kidding me? Not: "I will work at it" but "I will TRY to work at it." Don't end up where I am, my friend.Here is my advice and it is what I would tell my younger self to do:Tell her you love her and your life together, but that you can't see yourself in a relationship for the next 16 years without sex. Show her this post I am writing if she thinks that's impossible. I have had sex with my girlfriend once in the last 10 years. Once, and she doesn't even remember it because she was so drunk. She thinks it has been around 13 years, but I know it was 10 years ago. It's probably been 13 since she really felt like it. Try to find out from her why she doesn't like sex with you now when clearly she did before. (She probably won't be able to explain this or won't be honest about it anyway.) Ask her what would have to happen for her to want sex with you again. (She may not know or be willing to answer this either.) There is almost certainly a component to this that is your fault. Ask her what that is and work on that on your side to be a better person, even if it ends up benefitting only your future relationships. If she is like my girlfriend, some of the issues had to do with why we weren't married yet so ask yourself why you haven't asked her to marry you yet. If there are valid reasons then tackle those. Set a deadline by which you want to see some real progress. Be reasonable. Let's say 3 months. If that deadline comes and goes (and it probably will) then suggest counseling. So far, so good.Now here is the part where I screwed up:Make sure you actually go to counseling! I thought we would be able to handle it ourselves. We would have these deep conversations and write pages and pages of letters back and forth with no effect even though she would say that she felt things were getting a little better. We started to probe into issues and she sometimes told me things that I would've been better off not hearing only to later contradict herself anyway. I never knew the truth and I think maybe she didn't either - or at least not at a conscious level. It made us both wrecks, but especially me. It's much better to have her relate all of this to a therapist as a neutral party she can be more honest with and not have to spare your feelings. She will be able to go deeper into her past before she met you, which (trust me) you don't want to hear about. We are going to go to counseling now (finally!) and it was a big mistake not to go YEARS ago!Last word of advice:If the counseling doesn't seem to be working in a fixed period of time (let's say 1 year) then you have to let her go. Don't threaten like I did. Just do it. Maybe she'll come to her senses. Maybe not. However, that's not the point. It's not a game where you leave as a ploy to try to make her change her mind.I don't understand how women can be so cruel. I would never tell my girlfriend that even if it was true! My theory is that deep down some women are not ready to commit, but now with a child and a good man she loves she is stuck. She knows what is best for her, but she misses her freedom. She is also not married, so she is stuck in a limbo as a single mom whose life won't ever be the way it was again. That can be depressing for a woman used to a lot of attention like my girlfriend was. Her reaction to that is to shut down sexually and focus on being a mom and a partner to you. You asking for sex is just one more thing she has to do, one more way she has to answer to you. It's not fun anymore like it was when she was single. You have to help her realize that it can be just as fun with you as with a new partner. There are certain aspects of sexual excitement that cannot be maintained in a marriage (example: first time you sleep with someone) but plenty of couples have fulfilling sex lives. Also, if she's like my girlfriend she may not realize how important sex is to the emotional expression of a man. To her sex is a fun activity she gave up, like pony rides. I am pretty sure she doesn't realize how damaging this can be to the emotional side of the relationship. I know in my experience I went from thinking we had the best relationship that ever existed to the worst one anyone ever had the displeasure of being in and that happened day by day as my resentment against her grew. By my count we probably could have had sex around 350 times more over the years (if we did it only about twice per month) and I probably asked for it 700 times. So that was 700 times where I stewed in bed thinking about how much I hated her and what a bitch she was and doubting my desirability and my manhood combined with 350 times where I do not feel loved and connected and sexually desired by her. Man, that takes a toll. Lots of people would have already departed or else *really* WORKED on it (and by that I mean therapy and only therapy) like I should have.By the way, this almost certainly has nothing to do with your physical apperance. I started to feel that way until I realized that 3 years in I was still the young, good-looking guy I was when I met her. Assuming there hasn't been any major physical change in that time, I would focus on her, her emotions, and how you contributed to how she feels. It may be that (like my girlfriend) most of her sexual experiences were outside of relationships (and the ones in relationships were bad) and so she associates sex with flings and one night stands and other bad, guilt-inducing, but exciting feelings instead of the desire to express her love physically in a long-term relationships. She may see you as the father of her child and cannot reconcile that with also wanting to have sex with you and toss you aside. (Male version of the madonna/whore syndrome.)Some things to chew on. Get into counseling and if things aren't better in a year then LEAVE.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 Initially, when a woman has a baby, their body goes through a lot of changes and hormones go crazy and all that lot. Was your baby planned or was she an unexpected blessing? If your baby was unexpected, perhaps she has resentful feelings towards you for that. If your baby was planned, then this could some sort of postpartum depression...I am not a doctor but I'm just thinking out loud. She has told you that she feels to have sex but just not with you? So who then? Have you asked her if there was anyone else? I know that is a hard question, but it is necessary if you are trying to save your relationship. I can't say why she won't change, she is the only one that knows that answer...if things don't work themselves out...then I am really sorry to say...I think you should stop living together and stop seeing each other. I know you have a daughter, and I am sure no matter what happens between you two, she will be loved...but for your sanity and heart...if you know she won't change and things are hurting you....I think you should call it a day.Best Wishes.
...............................
|
