A
male
age
36-40,
*s1515
writes:No spark in the relationship, doesn't want to break up. I met a girl about 3 months ago online, we hit it off and arranged an in real life date. This also went well, and we began seeing more and more of each other. It's been about 2 months since our first in person date, and yesterday she told me that she liked me, I was smart, funny, intelligent, great career, and she liked being physically intimate with me (there is a lot of physical intimacy), but there was just no "spark." I tried to get her to tell me what this was, but she could hardly explain it. She did say that it's the type of feeling that gets you a bit nervous when seeing the other person, distracts you from your work, makes you think about them always.I think what happened is we became too "comfortable" too quickly, which is what I want, to be with a close friend/companion but also to be physically involved. The way she made this sound was that we don't spend enough time together (her work schedule keeps her busy 5 days/nights a week, all we have is Saturday/Sunday, which we usually spend together) and don't really talk on the weekdays because she is so tired. I'm thinking this may be a symptom of lack of spark not a cause. She said she wanted to keep trying, that this was her first time dating an introverted guy and she might fall into the spark with me, rather than having it immediately. We made plans for next weekend. She left to go home, and sent me an inside joke text message, I didn't respond immediately, and she texted back really quickly (like she was worried, she is very perceptive and sensed I was angry).I've been really anxious, pissed off and sad and couldn't do any work for about a day, so I've decided to break up with her even though I really want to stay together. I texted her today wondering if she had time to talk tonight, she said yes. I have two questions:1) Is she just trying to hint that I should be the one to break up with her, so she won't feel bad about breaking off a relationship with a nice guy (in her culture, one who would be considered prime long-term dating material). 2) She got really worried when I didn't text her back last night and texted me again very quickly. I think one of the reasons she is feeling sparkless is that we've got comfortable too quickly, she knows I don't see other people, won't leave her, will always be there to talk, etc. I'm trying to think of a way to create a spark, maybe by telling her we're over, but retracting that statement when she protests, then not calling her again for a while, or maybe just not calling her tonight or for a week or so. Creating uncertainty might be a way to do this. ***Obviously this is really manipulative and casts doubt on my "nice guy" statement above, but I'm not sure anything else would work. I could take her at her word and see if she ends up feeling the same way about me later on, but this might just cause problems somewhere down the line and I won't lose this feeling of sadness and anxiety.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 March 2010):
 1) Whether or not she wants you to initiate the break up, I think you should break up with her.
2) Creating a spark should not feel like an effort. Relationships are unpredictable anyway. No need to play hard to get on purpose unless you are really needy.
For me, the falling in love feeling is not everything and should not permeate the whole relationship. It won't last long. The lack of spark at the beginning does not allude to a boring, stale romantic relationship in the long run. Being a good lover certainly helps. Knowing how to flirt does not imply being a good lover though. Excessive flirting can be a sign of insecurity. That secret knowledge about whether you are a good lover should not be shared until you trust each other well.
I felt what she said was direct but hurtful. You are focusing too much on yourself and not enough on whether you like her or not. You can try putting extra effort but I think she is really chasing after excitement. I myself would appreciate a nice guy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): By "spark" she means she is not in love with you. But the sex is great. You can choose to keep trying and hope she will fall in love with you, but by the sounds of it she is just using you for intimacy, and for the general good feeling it gives women to have a man around who adores us. Leave. She is taking advantage of you.
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A
male
reader, js1515 +, writes (29 March 2010):
js1515 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo strongfp, physical intimacy is not a problem. We always hold hands, kiss in public, hold each other. She also will try to pull me back into bed if I try to get out, stuff like that. Some days we've spent hours just in bed together.
The problem is that I started out romantically, but maybe am acting like a nice guy/friend now, and this is why she is confused. I wonder if it's possible to bring that back or whether it goes away forever.
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