A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well here is my story its my senior year in high school and the boy that I plan on pursuing a relationship with is still with his girlfriend of 4 years off and on she cheated on him numorus times and he has taken her back but a couple of weeks ago he actually caught her in action for him self with his own eyes. Since then he has said that he left her but they have started talking again I believe. He has liked me since the 11th grade and I liked him as well but I was in a relationship this year he has continued to like me and now that I'm out of a relationship I would like to purse one with him and I have told him. He say that he would like to take things slow before we rush into anything which I respect. I mean we kiss and only kiss. But I feel like ever since I told him that I liked him he is starting to become distant and he say its gonna happen but I don't think it is seeing that he can't leave his cheating girlfriend. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): It appears his gf has cause him to take a more reserved approach to being with someone. It could be something entirely different, but I feel she has damaged his ability to accelerate quickly into a relationship. He might even have trouble trusting someone else easily in the future, as he sees them as a reflection of this cheating gf's hurt toward him. Just take it slow, like he wishes, and things may one day work out for you, but I think if he wants to be with you, it will take some time to adapt to the change, no matter what. Even if he respects you more than his current cheating girlfriend, he will have a hard time convincing himself someone else won't ever hurt him the same way. It's obvious she's crushed and confused him too much, and messed his head up a lot, but he'll change, if he has the chance to be with someone who will respect him fully in that regard. So don't blame him, and have faith in him coming around. It will just be necessary for him to be with someone like you for quite a while, until he reverses the manipulation she's done to him, and believes a little more. He must have had to grow obsessed in a way, with her, in order to convince himself she was worth keeping throughout all her constant cheating, and now only time and persevering can heal him, I believe. It won't help to blame him or to pressure him too much too fast, or he'll just become even more closed in. It's a defensive mechanism in order to protect himself. Just try to get him around you as much as possible, for now, and try to subtly drop the message about how the more he's with this other girl, the more he'll just end up hurt in the long run. Let him know that he's got a good thing if he wants to take a chance on someone who will be alot better for him. Maybe after the odd hint and suggestion here and there, he'll finally open his eyes and see that he'd be alot happier with you. It's a terrible thing to destroy someone's confidence, like that, but it's very reversible with the right love and subtle determination. If he's liked you for a long time, then it's very possibly to win him over, but make sure he takes slow baby steps away from her, and toward you. If he moves too fast it could rebound. Good luck.
A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (26 February 2010):
 I think he is stuck in his ways of being with this other girl. Either way she has to be out of the picture so you have two options if you still want to have a chance with him:
1. Stay with him and keep the preasure on to get rid of the other girl.
2. Tell him that you two can't see each other until she is out of the picture. Then just keep minimal contact until it is done.
Lastly you could just walk away from the situation and move on without him.
Its hard for me to tell you the best choice but I'm sure you will pick the right one based on his personality type and what your heart tells you to do.
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