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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Ok about 6 years ago, there is this girl... She's sorta a party girl but we shared like a month of exclusive time before our jobs separated us.I was ALSO, sort of a party person. So it was weird. Like a crash collision course that stopped both our normal behaviors. Usually I just, I don't know, didn't care too much about the girls I was with, although I was still technically a virgin. But she just made me care. And she said that i did the same thing to her. So one night she found me asleep in the cold out on the balcony (long story) and woke me up by straddling me an just looking at me. Aside from saving me from hypothermia, I had been dreaming of her, and then woke up to her. It was the first time a dream of mine had become reality. It was just too unreal..you had to have been there.So she took me into her room lit some candles and wrapped me with a blanket and got in the blanket with me too.. and we just had the cheezy stare contest stuff going on that they do in the movies. But.. it was.. nice. We started kissing and making out and I told her I wanted to lose my V to her. And she was very much so against that.She said she cared about me too much to do that to me. That she wasn't good enough...or pure enough.. and that someday I would meet someone that loved me and was good enough..I said no I want you.. but she said no. I tried to understand why she was denying me, and sort of succeeded. But it was hard not to think it was something about me she didn't desire and she was covering that up.So we had a few more encounters just like that, before we got separated. Sizzling but denied. When I was on my new job she sent me these emotional messages about how much she missed me and stuff. And that she loved me, and "I cried, are you happy?".. Well of course I wasn't happy and I told her that I didn't want her to cry and I don't know what gave her the impression that I did. I was so frustrated at this point, she was impossible to understand. Plus I was still Mr Virgin boy running around, and I was tired of it. Some guys found out I had never been with a woman completely and made fun of me and stuff.. then we got to drinking and they said, you know what? You are getting laid! So they took my slightly drunken self to a Brothel in Honolulu...Afterward, I felt guilty for some reason, but I was angry that I did. Later somehow, she found out about what I had done somehow. This effected her like I never would have thought. She was so heartbroken she couldn't even talk to me! Why was my V so important to her, she obviously didn't want it!its 6 years later, and I have stopped partying as much and stuff, but she's still hysterical at the mere mentioning of me (I saw her just recently and said hi, and she RAN away crying), and is drinking and partying and sleeping around heavier than ever before. I worry about her. We are getting older now, she should take it easy. How bad did I mess up here? I just don't understand... it was 6 years ago! Please help
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): I think the brothel was probably a particular stab in the heart for her beyond if you just got a GF.
Think about it: Your virginity was something that she felt unworthy of taking, and then she finds out that you literally paid a total stranger money just to take from you later.
The biggest mistake by anyone in this story was that she left you not thinking it was going anywhere. I guess she assumed that by your past history with her, you would sort of see eye to eye with her about your virginity even if it was much later. I don't know what you could be strictly faulted for here except bad judgment about what this meant to her. But there was no agreement of any kind spoken out loud so you didn't literally violate anything either. Total gray area.
There is nothing to do now. Your virginity is gone and she'll have to deal with that if she can.
You gave your V-card to this stranger not understanding that she held it in her heart like she still did at the time. It's probably better if she understands this, although it will bring a different kind of hurt than if she does not know it.
If she does not know this, then it leaves the danger of her feeling like you regarded her as LESS worthy of it than the paid stranger. But even once this is known to her, it leaves her dealing with the fact that she did this mess mostly to herself by leaving you & her unclarified. That will be a very difficult thing for her to deal with too.
The whole thing sounds like a situation that more often happens with the gender roles reversed. Just replace your brothel whore with a jerk that she loses her V-cared to on the first date.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried apologizing to her and stuff, but that just seemed to make things worse. No combination of words seemed to be able to keep her from getting upset, and to calm down and talk to me rationally. She would just shut out my pov.
Did I lead her on... I don't really.. I mean she gave me no indication that she was waiting for me. She said she loved me and all, but was always sure to include that she loved some of the other friends we had that shipped out with me and to pass it along. And also from past experience, she wasn't interested THAT way, or so I thought. It was this big question mark. Everything with her was always this big question mark. How in the world am I supposed to know? ESP? If she had told me to wait, or that she was in love with me, or any number of things, I would have certainly been faithful. My problem was, I didn't know if I had anything to be faithful to. I was in this 1/4 relationship limbo zone, and it didn't make any sense.
Any mention of me makes her hysterical. Sad.. and what not. So would a letter.. I don't know what I would say in the letter that she just wouldn't shut out, or get upset over.
As to not wanting to be with her... That's not completely true. I've thought about it over the years and I think she has a lot to offer, she just tragically underestimates herself. I want to help her reach her potential. And I have this annoying vague feeling of guilt of how things went down, I wanna make it up to her but I don't know how.
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A
female
reader, sunny123  +, writes (27 April 2009):
From a woman's perspective she obviously put you up on some kind of pedestal and kept that image of you in her mind. Even though she didn't sleep with you herself, she probably hoped you'd wait for her or at least not lose your virginity in a brothel!Think about your behaviour after you left for your new job. Did you honestly not give her any false hope of something continuing between the two of you? If the answer is definitely "no" then I wouldn't worry about it. She may have a fixation with you regardless of anything you have/will do.It doesn't sound like you're happy with the situation so maybe you should send her an email/letter explaining that even though you don't want a relationship with her you are worried about the way she is acting.Honesty is the best policy with these situations.
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