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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My girlfriend (of 4 years) is extremely nice and always helpful and she will let me do whatever I want like if I want to go hangout with friends she will let me. She constantly worries about everything including that I will break up with her. I think that’s how I get my way, but I want a balanced relationship. She has a problem jumping to extremes and getting very mad at people when it’s usually nothing. Sometimes she will do this to me but usually she will only say it to my voicemail or get mad without my knowledge and when I confront her she immediately goes back to being submissive (”sorry, sorry, sorry!”). I have confronted her about this so many times especially about her being so apologetic but I she keeps doing it. I think she does it on purpose because guilt is such a strong tactic. But, at the same time I have some extreme social anxiety and I am far from perfect myself. I get disconnected from conversations so easily. I’m at a new university and I think I need to go make friends instead of spending so much time with my girl. I’m the type of person who loves to get out and do stuff but it’s difficult for me to connect with people but I want to so bad. I have regretted breaking up with a specific girl before and I still do to this day. Sometimes I really want to break up with her but it’s not because I’m frustrated at her, I’m just not happy with her I can’t help it. Other times I think I need her to be happy. Right now what I would love more than anything is to just be friends with her. But at the same time I have a strong feeling that I will regret this decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): I have the same problem as your girlfriend. Every time my boyfriend and I fight, I assume he is going to break up with me. He is also recently divorced and I am always agonizing over whether I broke up the marriage (they were separated when we met) and am constantly worried that he secretly regrets his decision and wishes he stayed with his wife and kids.I know it's my problem, but he did say things like "when are we going to break up?" in the beginning when we were having fights. Finally I told him to think about whether that was what he wanted and to let me know. We agreed that making that threat every time we had a fight was going to destroy our relationship, and he has never said it again. It does help for me to talk about my problem with him. He gets very annoyed when I ask him if he regrets leaving his ex, but I would really like to talk about it more. One thing that helped me was when I realized that whenever something is out of my control, I assume the worst possible scenario. This is not with him, but basically with everyone I know. If I call someone and they don't answer, I assume they are dead. If my boyfriend is gone longer than expected, I assume he's either cheating on me, making plans to leave, getting arrested, seriously hurt or dead. This is something that started when I was young and my parents left me at my grandmother's house or at a babysitter's. Tell your girlfriend that couples need to fight, and it doesn't mean that the relationship is over. Ask her if this is her problem, and encourage her to get counseling. You seem like you might want to leave the relationship, but if you decide to you want to stay with her, you could also suggest premarital counseling. She might be more willing to go together than by herself.
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