A
male
age
36-40,
*arkwolf
writes:This maybe abit long but it explains the whole situation, sorry for it being so long:Ok so I had been having a long distance relationship with my now fiance, we have known eachother for 13 years now, this October it will be 14 years. I am 20 years old, she is 22. Now I had lived in the states and she was up in Canada. Well she was living on her own so we were able to talk when ever we wanted, called whenever we wanted. And we had just gotten back to being really really serious about one year ago this month actually.Now in the end of February of this year she cheated on me with this guy (We'll call him Nathan), now this punk had been telling her up and down that I only wanted to use her and abuse her for sex and that's it. Now she had known him for all of I don't know... Maybe two months since she moved back to her parents place. Now he kept telling her htis over and over again, and he would instant message me telling me how he was going to score with her and make me leave her just so he could get a couple of good laughs.I would save the conversations and e-mail to my girl, she woudl read them and say no he would never say something like that he is a sweet, caring, charming guy. I was like Bullsh*t, you've seen the things he says about you calling you a wh*re and all that. Then somehow he convinced her I made it all up.Anyways... The whole two months she knew him he had been telling her to break up with me. So she kept saying we were over, I kept asking ehr why and she said she didn't know and by the end of the day we would always work things out because I love her so much and she loves me so much. But she was hanging at his house one time when I begged her not to go. She did it because she saw nothing wrong with it. (Nothing wrong with staying the night at a guys place who only wants to screw you... Ya nothing wrong at all, anyways.) So the power went out there and what she told me was since there was nothing better to do they decided to have sex, now she told me she had to get really drunk to be able to get over the guilt and do it. (I think that should have been a pretty clear indication not to have sex with the a$$)But she told me the day she got home and I tore into her, warning her if she ever talked to them again I was done with her, she would never hear from me again, if she tried to contact me she would regret it fully. So 2 months went by and we were ok, I didn't trust her to much but I was learning to trust her fully again. Then we were supposed to talk one Wednesday night and she didn't call, or come online. I worried abit, figured maybe her power went out cause the day before it flicked cause they were having a thunderstorm. Now no word from her till Friday, so I called up her parents house and she answered then screamed at me to never call her or talk to her again ever. I was completely confused as to what happened cause we were doing great. I later found out that day when she e-mailed me that she had gotten pregnant, (after she told me she had used a protection with the guy and took the morning after pill.I have never believed that at all still to this day, cause she told me she never ever EVER made any of her past relations use protection cause it didn't feel as good to her.) And I found out that in those couple days before the phone call that she had gone to his place and told him and that she was so excited to be pregnant with his child, maybe it was her chance for having a loving family, that he could love her and provide for her and that her parents would be proud of her for being with someone they could actually see instead of over a computer screen.Well he didn't want it, told her to kill it, to get rid of the damn thing. She went home and I had called only a few minutes after she got home hence the screaming of her at me. So she got an abortion, told me she was so sorry that she did that, she knew I would have taken care of the child and raised it as my own and no one would have to know. But then I told her to get her passport renewed so she could come to live with me and that way those a$$es couldn't influence her any more at all. Well un-known to me only a couple weeks after the abortion she "thought" she had feelings for him after caring his child. (Bunch of BS I still claim). So she started dating him and having sex with him every weekend, and to go have sex with him she would get "mad" at me over absolutely nothing at all.Just to be less guilty to go sleep with him, (And she said she used protection for the 3 months she was doing this with him. I found that out after the fact that she had been cheating on me that long) Now this whole time for three months we would break up almost every Friday or Saturday and get back together ever Sunday or Monday, this went on April-June. She said she went to the Zoo with her friend, when infact her took her, she said she went to her cousins marriage with just her family when infact she went with him and tried to get him to marry her. Though she swore and still swears that she thought of me the entire marriage ceremony. (I kind of believe her on that.) She would tell me she would go shopping with her friend of her Mom and Grandma when she would go to his house to screw because she said she needed to feel loved and be loved in that way by someone. Now this whole time she had told me that the passport people said she kept messing up her application which I now know she never even sent off. And 2 days after the wedding she actually broke up with him. And maybe about 2 weeks after the wedding and before I knew that she had cheated on me for that long with the guy, I told her I was coming to her to visit for 2 weeks. That I would be there in July a couple days before her b-day to spend it with her. So I told her got my passport and plane ticket bought and everything. Then 2 weeks before I was to leave, she accidentally sends me an e-mail addressed to him, saying that he would get his stuff back when she coudl send it to her. Now that pissed me right off, cause then I was wondering why she was home when she said she had to go to work and why she was sending him an e-mail pretaining to him getting stuff back.So I confronted her when she "got home from work" and she knew she was caught so she spilled everyting, I again slightly tore into her, I never called her a name other than and idiot and moron for doing that. So she spilled it, and I told her she had to stay home until she had to run to catch the bus and better run home from the bus stop everyday until I got there. She agreed full-heartedly to do what ever I said and wanted. Made her take her laptop outside with the webcam on and burn all of the stuff he had ever given to her, some being fairly expensive things, and made her break all the necklaces and cut in half all cheap rings he got her. One thing the irked me was I had sent her a necklace for Christmas of last year and she wore it while being with him and having sex with him. I told her to destroy it as well, she did but cried saying that wasn't fair of me to ask that. I reminded her of what she did, and if she wanted this to work she would do it or never hear from me again, she did.So we patched things up as well as we could, I got there (well here since I decided to stay mainly because I didn't trust her not to go back to him for being without sex for so long till she could get to me in the states). And I found a couple things she said she had destroyed that he had gotten her at the Zoo, I found them cause she asked me to clean out her closet so we could fit my clothes in there. She came home from work and it all started up again, I scorned her for it, but we worked it out. I destroyed the things myself and made her open up every drawer everything she had in her room and explain where everything had come from.So things had been going just fine up until a couple nights ago. (Now we had both promised to keep the past in the past now and try to move on). But what I remembered that hurt me and upset me was one time I saw her with a birthcontrol sticker on, I asked what was that cause I couldn't see it very well on the webcam and she said it was a sticker and she had drawn a smiley face on it before coming onto the webcam. I thought nothing of it cause I had seen her before with stickers on like her forehead and arms and stuff, along with those fake tattoos and hena stuff. But this one was on her stomache and I didn't pay much mind. But that was one thing she said she had used birthcontrol the whole time. But the birthcontrol packet was still there when I got her and it only had 2 missing, now she said she used it the entire time. But the date issued on the pack was mid April, and they are the ones you change everyweek. And I can only recall seeing it on her once, cause we would "play" on webcam, and how she could do that with me and sleep with him at the same time I will never know without her to feel sl*tty. And then another thing I remember was it was about mid-way along into her cheating and this girl had blackmailed and ex of mine into doing very bad things because of a couple pictures my exs ex had given to the girl we will call Mara. So Mara blackmailed her into doing things or she would post them up at my exs school. So I decided to get her back, to play her. So I got Mara thinking I was interested in her, now I never once kissed her or did anything more than a quick hug now I mean a very quick hug. Then on Maras birthday I let her know what was really going on that I was just using her to get the pictures, which I got the pictures and the negatives and burned them up. Now the point of that story was about a week after it happened, my girl says she wants to talk to me about something, I said ok. She told me when I was playing the girl she said she felt like I was cheating on her and that it hurt her really badly, that it made her want to cry sometimes and she did cause it felt like I was cheating on her. YET she was actually at that time cheating on me and later that night guess what??? She got mad at me over nothing to go and have sex with him. Now that ain't right at all, in no ones book, to say she felt cheated on and that it hurt while she was cheating on me the whole time.So my questions are (I know finally):1. Can I ever trust her to not cheat again after she did it for so long to me and lied about it?2. Do I bring up the new things that have been making it hard for me to sleep and a couple times look at her without feeling betrayed all over again?3. And is it even her right to say never bring it up again, when she brings up things from our past about me, saying that I never called a couple times I should have and that she was there waiting when she was really at HIS house?4. And what do you all think I should do? Cause I love her and have asked her to marry me, even gave me my engagement ring, which I had bought before I knew what she was doing.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): Fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me
You CANNOT keep trusting her. My policy on cheating is: no matter how much I love her, no matter how much I want to forgive her, no matter what the circumstances, if she cheated SHE'S DONE. I would never speak to her again and I would certainly NEVER date her again.
Take a look at how paranoid you've had to become in order to find out about all of the stuff she's done. You've had to constantly be checking up on her to make sure she isn't cheating on you. You had to have her talk to you 24/7 to make sure she wasn't with that guy. Please, please, please, man leave her. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being this paranoid? You want to find someone who you can lighten up with and trust. Find someone who loves you so much that they wouldn't cheat on you no matter how upset or affection starved they felt.
You can do so much better. She won't change and you need to start thinking about finding someone who will treat you right.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): Respect yourself.
No matter how much you love this woman, you deserve someone who loves you and respects you as well and clearly she's not doing any of those things.
The girl is crazy, and I don't mean it as and expression, she's clinically insane and you'll never have a good relationship with her.
There's hope for her, but she needs to get professional help, go into therapies and maybe with years of self discipline and professional guidance she'll heal and be able to have a healthy relationship with SOMEONE ELSE, not with you. After all that she's done to you there's NO WAY things can work out.
What you wrote seems almost unbelievable, but I guess you put up with that only because of your love for her, but she's not worth it. Plus if you ever slept with her too, it was also your life (yes your life) she didn't care about, for if she got pregnant she might as well have gotten an STD like AIDS and then give it to you.
About this "Nathan" he's an a$$ and she'es a moron to go for it.
No matter how hard it is, and that you had already picture a life with her, GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP, BURY IT, LEAVE IT ALL IN THE PAST AND LEARN FROM IT.
Again, you deserve better and if you don't respect yourself noone will.
Don't loose your faith, you'll meet other people and you'll find a better person to be in a good relationship with.
I send you my best wishes and I know things will work out for you.
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A
male
reader, darkwolf +, writes (24 September 2008):
darkwolf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have talked it over with her yesterday. I told her everything that was on my mind, she understood that it is probably going to come into my mind what she did to me again in the future and she said she will pay for it for as long as needed. Meaning she know she screwed up and is now she said going to try harder to regain my trust. Thanks guys
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A
male
reader, L VIC  +, writes (24 September 2008):
man thats is a story but really she lost your respect and i really dont think she stop cheating on you i know you do love her so much but man if you want to leave like that is really your call man good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): She's not trustworthy and shows no signs of ever changing.
I don't know whether you're innocent or not, but either way I say run from this. There's no way in hell she will make any better wife than she has been as a girlfriend.
There are other girls out there that would not do this stuff to you. Go put your time and energy and affection into someone who is worth it.
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