A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i am a 16 year old pregnant female. after my parents found out that i was pregnant they told me that i had two choices only, either to have an abortion or to leave.i spoke to my bf and his family - as i really didnt want to have an abortion, and they said it was fine and that they would look after me n the baby. i was still undecided so at the time i was still living with my parents. 3weeks later my boyfriend tells me that he does not only want to be the father of our baby but a husband to me to. i felt honoured and very loved and i agreed to marry him but not untill things were sorted out with my family.two days later we had a fight and stopped talking and a week later he tells me that he has a new girlfriend and didnt want me anymore. i was devastated and practicly begged him to take me back but he didnt.i know could no longer move in with him, and my dad told me that he didnt want me at home if i were to keep the baby. i tried talking to my bf again but he said he wants the baby only and not me! so at 18 weeks of my pregnancy i had an abortion because i could not be able to take care of the baby, and it was now certain that my bf and i would not reunite.i also lied to him and his family telling them that i had a misscariage and not an abortion. it is now three weeks since and i feel very bad, i feel like a murderer! i really wanted to keep this baby and spend the rest of my life with my bf, but he led me to this. if he stood by me i wouldn't have had the abortion.was i wrong? why did he leave me a weak after asking me to marry him? how do i put this behind me and get over what has happened? please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): I know its been a while since this was posted but I just wanted to give you a piece of advice, in case of it happening again perhaps. I am pro-life and don't really believe in abortions but the law is it's a choice. Not that you made a right or a wrong choice but what's done is done. I'm sorry that you had to make that kind of decision and that your parents treated you like that. I had a baby at 16 and my parents supported me, they weren't happy about it but it was their grandchild and a part of me. My baby's dad let me at 3 months preggo and got another girl pregnant. I was alone and it was horrible so i can't imagine how you feel since you don't even have a family that cares enough to help you. Either way you would have been unhappy. You could have kept the baby, maybe or maybe not your family would have came around, but you made your choice and now are living with it. Whether you feel bad or not you can not change anything. SO all you can do is believe you made the right choice and the next time(if there may be one) think it over and look up all the possible outcomes of your choices. One day you will have a child, and a man that loves you and you will remember your aborted baby and how different your life would have been, but it will only be a thought and this was something you didn;t have much control over given your options. Keep your chin up and don't worry about what you can't change.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): Abortions don't offer a way out of all the problems, they just offer a choice between one bad situation or another. Sometimes it's better to painfully end a pregnancy at the beginning than painfully raise a kid for 18 years in a bad situation. You may hurt a lot, and you may always have regrets and what-ifs in your mind about it. But it may still have been the right decision. Don't let people or society guilt-trip you into feeling like you did this for selfish reasons. It sounds to me like you did it for some very unselfish reasons. Some people may not agree that abortion is an option, but I think you're every bit as ethical as they are. You just had a different opinion about the best way to exercise those ethics in this situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): Your (ex) boyfriend sounds like an feckless, impulsive and unreliable sort of person, so in my opinion you're much better off without him and you've had a lucky escape as far as he's concerned. He's done you a big favour by showing you his true colours early on. I dread to think how much worse things would have been if you'd actually married him. Divorce would surely have followed within a matter of months, if not weeks!
As for the abortion, I don't think you had all that much of a choice. You'd have been homeless for a start if your dad kept to his word which is not a good start for a newborn baby. At 16 you're too young to be a mother anyway. The baby would have been like a tennis ball going back and forth between two people at war with one another.
I can understand your dad's point of view - I was in exactly the same position as him over 20 years ago and my daughter was younger than you. We simply didn't have room in the house for all the baby clutter and apart from that my wife and I had finished with the child rearing, screaming baby phase of our lives and all entailed and we certainly didn't want to go through it all again with a grandchild. Why should we have had to put up with that sort of disruption in our happy home? As it was, our daughter moved out and rented a flat with her boyfriend. I'd given her the same options that your dad has given you. She married him and divorced him not too long afterwards. The baby is now a treasured granddaughter in her mid 20's of whom we're all very proud. However, our daughter didn't fare as well, she's gone from one messed-up relationship to another and has now been married three times. She's in debt up to her eyeballs and has been for years. Basically, by having the baby she messed up her life and hasn't recovered from it yet, moreover, she's unlikely to do so in the future. Something similar may well have happened to you in the future, so stop thinking of the abortion as a murder and think of it as a means of preserving your own well-being and sanity.
There's a great deal to be said for establishing a solid, well tried and tested relationship, preferably a marriage, before contemplating having children which would give those children a superb start in life in a happy stable home. The alternative, if you'd kept the baby, would possibly be a lifetime of unhappiness.
I think you did the right thing, and I hope that in years to come you'll be thankful you did what you did and that you get over the distressing aspects of the abortion.
Good luck for the future - it's in your hands still!
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