A
male
age
51-59,
*ronkey
writes: I am a divorced man,my career has me out of town for extended periods. I have had three serious relationships including my marriage. Each relationship ended when I caught her cheating. I have now become involved with a new lady, and I feel I have fallen in love with her, and she is saying she feels the same. However, she has confided in me that in her former marriage, she had cheated more than once. She told me she wanted me to know about it because she wanted to be completely honest with me. She has told me that she has learned from her mistakes, and that she would never cheat on me the way she had on her ex husband, but I am very anxious about it. My worry is that someone who has shown the capacity to cheat will sooner or later cheat again. I very much want to continue in my relationship with her,and would like to accept from her that this will not be something that happens between us, but I am very troubled, especially when I think long term after the newness of our relationship has faded.I am gone at work for days at a time and she is a beautiful woman who is noticed by men. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Oh please! Do yourself a favor and try not to be pushy and bossy with her just because she cheated on her ex-husband multiple times and just because women have cheated on you as well. If she says that she cheated for sexual pleasure, avoid calling her nasty names and going into her face. She'll charge you with domestic violence. Face it, women are known to spread all of their seeds and sleep with as many guys as they want to, unlike men who don't have many options. (Women will always have more opportunities to cheat, whereas men won't.)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): i think she "confessed" to her cheating ways as a warning toyou. basically she is telling you, i warned you right from the beginning............this woman has a history of cheating multiple times. what makes you think you are any different from her husband. call me a pessimist but this one time trust yourself to know that you are beaten in this game. enjoy her for what she can provide, a warm body in the middle of the night but then do not expect anything in return. also do not discuss to much of your finances with her. enjoy the sex but do not commit to her or else you will have your heart broken again.
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A
male
reader, Love-Wounded Veteran +, writes (4 June 2010):
I can tell you that my wife also admitted to having cheated on previous partners, but she wasn't married to any of them. I was her first marriage. I too was worried that my wife would cheat, but then thought to myself that marriage would change her proclivity. Needless to say, it did not and two years after being married, she was cheating with a coworker. I found out and confronted her and she begged me not to leave. We fixed the problem and have been very happy - until recently. Just the other day, I discovered an internet sex video that she made with an old boyfriend (prior to me), but now she's denying it is her. It's not that I really care about the video, I care about her current deception. When I try to get the truth from her, she makes me feel as if am betraying her and humiliating her.
I say, once a person has cheated, it is highly likely they will always cheat. To tell you the truth, I have just about given up on relationships, for they all seemed doomed. Call me pessimistic, and I'll only agree with you...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): A leopard never changes their spots and can't. Sooner or later, maybe when the relationship is pretty settled in and your out of town. Sooner or later.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010):
We all have relationship history, hurts and baggage and so on. I think the only way to feel secure about it all is to talk through everything with her. Ask her why she cheated. In my opinion, people cheat because they aren't getting something from the relationship they need. Affection, sex, etc. Don't get me wrong, all relationships have problems, and by cheating, a partner is consciously looking for the solution to the problem outside of the marriage.
She has been brave to open up to you, and you have been brave to open up to her. Thats what a new relationship is about. Asking her why she cheated may show you whether she; 1,understands herself why she did and 2,gives you the ability to judge whether your feelings are safe with her.
Keep communicating with her about your feelings. You must be honest with her or the relationship is already over before it began. Even if it ends up in an argument, it is far better to argue over feelings than ignoring, or worse, being unaware of them.
Remember: You can only be responsible for your own feelings and actions, no one else's. If it is her past and not her current behaviour that is the only thing troubling you, know that relationships bring out the best and worst in people, and people behave differently in different situations.
best of luck... x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): Good advise. Varied opinions, which reflect the struggle inside my head about this.
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A
female
reader, LoveIsRough +, writes (23 February 2010):
 The fact that this woman has told you about her past cheating habits is a miracle. This woman, rather than telling you she's never cheated on anyone she's been with wanted you to know the truth. That is the first step to building trust in a relationship.
Give her credit. She told you she cheated--but she never said she cheated on you. It SHOULD NOT in anyway destroy the trust between you and her, but destroy the trust between her and her ex-lover/husband.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 February 2010):
 Can you answer when and how long will you live? Only God knows when. Life and death is not in our hands.
Similarly , questions of such nature are best buried by the roadside, while you ride the horse on your journey and enjoy the sceneries with her.
Tomorrow may never come..who knows?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (23 February 2010):
Once a cheater always a cheater but people can be reformed and some can turned over a new leaf.
All these type of questions have no answers because no one can see what will happen in the future.
The only thing you are certain is the present .Live in the present and let the future takes care of itself.
If it were to happen ,it will happen. The past is gone.There is nothing you can do about that
You are going through all this troubles for nothing.Don't let it prevent you from enjoying life with your love one's.
You are like tying two heavy stones around your neck. You can be free but why do you put obstacles in your path?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): I have cheated on numerous boyfriends, but did not marry them. I met my husband 8 years ago and have been faithful to him from Day 1. Once I had found the right man I had no reason to cheat. If you're the right one I'm sure she won't cheat on you.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (23 February 2010):
 In my opinion, this relationship dilemma clearly falls in the "leap of faith" category of questions... how do you know that she won't cheat again? Honestly, you don't...
But, I will say that I've made a general observation regarding people that cheat: if she's confessed that cheating was her solution to her other relationship problems, she dumped a huge confessional directly in your lap... not to cause you concern, but more like huge secret that she's been harboring and wanted you to know that very intimate side of her personality. In addition, she's telling you that it's something that she's now abandoning in her life. Also, people that make such a confession are actually less likely to cheat again... Remember, these are my personal observations based on the people I've met in my life -- your milage may vary.
I would say that she's also knocked the ball into your court and now it's time for you to respond. Hopefully, you two have a clear/open communication channel. If I were in your shoes, having just discovered this information, I would ask about the reasons she had for cheating in her previous relationships... and whatever the response is (abuse, boredom, the challenge -- whatever) simply state that you would hope that your relationship with her is strong enough that if she starts to feel the need to be with somebody else, that you would talk about it and deal with it like adults and not like adolescents. If she's running because of some problem that could easily be fixed with a deep, heart-felt conversation, then by all means, have it until there's satisfaction and resolution.
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