A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am 40 and I've been married for 13 years and know each other for 18 I have three children 8, 6, and 4. My wife had an affair within the first year of our marriage but I somehow managed to forgive and give her my trust back. Do you give trust or earn trust? After a lot of soul searching I came to accept my part in her affair, namely working to many hours, and not paying her enough attention.Anyhow I recently found out my wife as been saying she's going to the gym and instead visiting I mans home.I've questioned her about this and she as said it is just a friend from our daughters school.Now i don't know what to do. She lied about being at the gym. In my mind I know she's cheating, but I have three children which I love dearly. Now I'm having thoughts of the children maybe not being mine and I have had a breakdown and been admitted into Hospital and been diagnosed as BiPolar.I'm between a rock and hard place. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Don’t avoid this. The longer it goes on the worse it will be. You are going to need to see with your own eyes so I make two suggestions. One is to check her phone when you get a chance. The other is to install some software on your computer that will follow what she has been doing. If you want advice about which one leave a follow-up reply. Get yourself a book called Love Must Be Tough on line, it will tell you all about the dynamics of an affair and steps to take/what to avoid. It is a good book which was recommended by my vicar when I had a similar problem. I turned a massive corner.Lots of women think their husband will move out if they don’t want the relationship anymore. Don’t you do that. You could be the carer, she would have to leave! Spend your time lavished on your children during this time and strengthen the bonds there. Sorry I am getting way ahead of myself but you need to get some power back, I sense you feel powerless. But you can influence this situation. Get the book, it is great.
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reader, rcn  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 First of all Bipolar has nothing to do with her behavior. It's a biological disorder, so you were born with it. Aggrivation or stress can act as triggers for the symptoms, but the disorder itsself allready existed. Second, never admit your part in someone having an affair. You may have worked too much, and wasn't there enough, but no one can cause someone else to have sexual relationships with another. That's purely their choice in dealing with issues, but a bad chioce. An affiar just takes issues that all ready exist, then piles a huge issue right on top.
I would say confront her again. You deserve to know the truth. This is what I'd say. "You had an affiar before, and I forgave you. I'm not accusing you, but I am asking for clerification. You told me you were going to the gym, and instead you went to this other person's home. Knowing, in general, people lie about where they are giong, because they know the person they lie too wouldn't approve of their activites or intentions of going there. Why did you feel as if you needed to misrepresent where you were going?"
I'd ask her like that, because it's direct and limits the possible answers because you've all ready addressed that you understand why people lie in this manner. If she sticks to her story, say "great, you know I'm interested in our daughter and her friends parents. Just in case we run into eachother somewehre, why don't we go over their now so you can introduce me to him.
I hope this helps you. Take care, and good luck with everything.
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