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writes:We met 3 years ago in july. Moved in together that december and were happy until around April 2008. She became distant, withdrawn and didn't seem to want to connect emotionally with me. She wouldn't tell me she loved me nor would or could she explain why. we worked through it and got engaged dec 09. All was well till she went for a night drinking at her girlfriends house just before easter. She stayed out all night even though i was supposed to be picking her up. When she did come home she spent a lot of that day texting and emailing. I, wrongly i know, read the emails sent to and from the girlfriend whose house she was drinking at. My partner said "I feel so confused and my head is totally screwed up" her friend replied "do you wish it never happened" to which my partner replied "nope". I confronted my partner and she denied anything had happened. I rightly or wrongly asked her if she had been with anyone else which she denied. She looked totally lost, and i said i cannot win you over anymore and asked her if it was over - she nodded. I left about 5 days later, as i felt i had to, but she was hurting watching me leave, crying and holding me tight. The next day, as she seemed so distraught i took her out for the day (as friends) but we found ourselves holding hands and arms around eachother etc. She explained she felt totally comfortable and that we should just see how things go. We have been seeing eachother for the last 10 weeks and i stay over at weekends. The problem is, she says her head is messed up but wont or cant tell me what it is. She says she wants the relationship to work but at the same time she says she doesnt know how she feels about me. She wont or cant communicate with me at all about emotions or her feelings. She always says her life is useless, doesnt think a lot of her self etc.Historically, she has had 3 main relationships, one with the father of her son - he left her, one who she was married to and divorced 4 years ago - he left her, and now me and now i have left her. Also her father left home when she was about 12 and she never sees him, she says that doesnt bother her but she wants to keep his name on if she got married !!All relationships have lasted about 3 to 4 years but thats it. She is going to see a councellor but will have to wait about 3 months for an initial appointment - that will mean 5 months apart. I have told her time and time again that if she truly wants the relationship to work i will stand by her and fight for her and support her as much as i can. The trouble is I am finding the situation difficult to deal with now. I maybe expected the relationship to start healing by now if we could talk about some of her issues, be they with me or about me or in herself, but, she will not/or cant talk to me about anything. I feel i need reassurance from her that she genuinely wants it to work even if it comes attached with - but i dont know how to make it work. I just dont want to be wasting my efforts if its not what she really wants. I don't want to give up on her or us because of what we could have in the future. Her friends believe she has an issue from the past but again no-one knows fully. I also feel like she can have fun and be romantic or connect with me physically when she wants to but the rest of the time im kept at arms length. It sounds strange but i can see some of the little things she does that she really does care and she does have feelings for me but they just seem buried away. She has never taken her engagement ring off because she says she is not ready to give it up!! I have tried reassuring her that she can talk to me, she can trust me and that we can and will work things out, but nothing, absolutely nothing works. I just dont know what to do anymore. Do I hang in there and hope the councelling works, do i withdraw my emotions from her or back away and see if she comes to me more or do i just cut and run, live my life and when she is sorted see if she comes to me?Finally, one additional twist, she has wanted ababy for the last 10yrs an i have wanted a baby with her too. Both her ex and i have had vasectomy reversals which havent worked - therefore no baby. During the time we have been apart we have been to a fertility clinic - her idea - and are starting donor tretment next month (it is something we were already planning to do while we were together). It shocked me that she made the first move in this direction especially given the circumstances of our relationship now as i will be the legal father (all consent forms have been signed). I have asked her on numerous occasions if she is happy to go ahead and more importantly, is she happy to go ahead with me as she could quite easily do this on her own. She has always said "Yes" and never waivered. Most of you will say hold on sort the relationship out first - then baby. Trouble is her body clock is ticking and what if this is her main issue. Help!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): I will say, follow your heart. What feels like the right decision for you? If you love her and still want to be with her, do you think you could wait? Would you be able to hold on in there? Is the relationship worth it, in your eyes?
Or, does the best option seem to be to move on? If you feel at the end of your rope about this, or hopeless that the situation will improve, then maybe you do need to move on. Do you feel like you want out of this, have you had enough?
Sorry for all the questions. But you two have clearly been through a lot together, and I think that only you can decide what to do. And it will probably take a lot of thinking to reach a decision.
It does sound to me though as though she is depressed or something, so try not to take it personally, or blame yourself for how things are right now. I'm sure she feels just as confused as you.
And you are right, I would suggest waiting until the relationship is sorted first before bringing a baby into the equation! But that is just my advice.
I hope that you are able to reach a decision, just do whatever feels right, and stick with that. It may not be the easy solution, but if it seems like the right one, whatever it may be, then accept it. I hope something here has helped, good luck with whatever you decide to do. x
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