A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together for many years. We're childhood sweethearts and got married a couple of years back. Soon after getting married, we tried to have a baby. After a long time of me not getting pregnant, we took some tests and found out that I was infertile. Recently, my husband told me he slept with another woman, a colleague and that she is now pregnant. I don't know what to do. She can give him, the one thing that i'll never be able to. Should i let him go? This is going to sound selfish, but he'll always put his child first and i'll come second. What if he and his child's mother develop feelings for each other. I love him but I don't know if we can still be together. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): I read and re read your words and to be honest i just could not put in words what was going through my mind. I was hoping some other brave aunt would put in writing some of the thoughts and both did. So yes that you to TasteofIndia and Artistry for reading this situation right. I was so emotional as i read the OP words. I just cannot imagine what she is going through right now faced with the situation where her hb has impregnated his lover.
This is what i want to say to you. Yes, you may be infertile but it does not stop you from being a woman. You still feel, love and hurt just like all of us. Being unable to have kids should not make you your hb’s doormat. You are a woman and still need love and loyalty and faithfulness. And sadly he has not given you this. He is not hungry for a child , he is lustful for his lover. He has cheated on you and now is blaming you for your inability to conceive. There are other options other there. He knows this. Yet he has deliberately wrenched your heart out by having sex and impregnating his lover. You do not know how long his affair has been carrying on. And please see this situation as it is – he has been unfaithful. The only reason he is now telling you about this other woman is because she is pregnant and the truth will come out. He has been carrying on with her for who knows how long. He just did not have sex with his work colleague to make a baby please do not let him fool you into thinking this. He deliberately strayed from you. She now being pregnant is another issue.
You may love your hb but does he love you. He should not use the fact that you are infertile as an excise for his affair. Millions of men in the world have accepted their their beloved partners are unable to conceive and they still remain faithful. They still love their wives or gf’s. Your husband has committed the ultimate betrayal and is blaming you for not providing him with a child. He is so false. He is manipulative and conniving.
He also has established a relationship with his work colleague and this will continue after the baby is born. Why? Because the relationship was established long before she fell pregnant. Whatever else your hb says, please do not let him hoodwink you and blame you for his affair. He choose a lover. The pregnancy is just the effect of the infidelity.
Only you can decide whether to still stay with a man that has cheated. Does he still want you/ or is he biding his time to move on with his lover. Your life is so precious. You deserve happiness. You are so young and you can start again your life. Yes the hurt and pain is unbearable but do you want to stay with a cheater. Someone who doesn’t respect and value you, his loyal and faithful wife. This man is so selfish. In time although the hurt will still be there, your pain may lessen you can move on and meet someone who will accept you. Yes, there are sensitive men who will accept you for who you are, whether you can bare kids or not. You can adopt kids. There are alternatives.
You have some hard decision to make very very soon and i hope you can make the brave ones. Being lonely and alone for a short time is better than being in a cheating marriage with 3 or more people. Later you can find peace and happiness. You deserve happiness and you can find it even without a cheating husband. Please have strength during this difficult times and perhaps update us on your situation shortly. I just wish you love, and peace during these times.
I always say do not lay the foundation of your happiness from someone else’s tears. your hb will learn the hard way. please be prepared for more turmoil as he decides. and if he wants a seperation/ divorce please post agin. myself and other posters will try to make you wise regaring being " finanically fit".
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (17 May 2009):
 I am very sorry to hear of your medical situation. I can't imagine what you're going through...
But, let's get down to the root of your question. This isn't about him putting a child first. This was about him putting his lust before his commitment to you. Girl, he CHEATED on you!! And there is no excuse for that!! You may love him, but he clearly doesn't love you in the same way... you deserve so much more than this cheating jerkface.
I think that if you really want to make efforts to make your marriage work, you should seek marriage counseling. He has to work to get you back and to earn your trust back. Yes, he has to be a man and be responsible for the child he fathered, but he doesn't need to leave you hanging and alone. You are his wife after all, and he has a legal commitment to you and your marriage together.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (16 May 2009):
 Hi, I can feel the pain in your letter. This one calls for serious contemplation and discussion between the two of you. First of all what is he saying? Naturally a man who wants children is going to cater to that child. But it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to leave you and be with the mother of that child. What is your relationship like between you two, he cheated, is he sorry? What is his state of mind? You must determine where he is and where the two of you are as a couple. Also, if he stays with you, will you be able to endure him being with the child and its mother. There will always be calls regarding the child, and depending on the mother's motivation, whether or bot she wants to make him leave you for her is a question. A lot to deal with here, also his cheating, and to be blunt about it, not even using a condom. Think about this entire thing, what do you want out of your life, if he cheated with this woman, he's a cheat, what does that leave you, hoping that he stays out of her bed while visiting? Hate to be blunt, but why would he? He's a cheater! Decide if this love you feel for him is worth all the aggravation in the future. You might want to find a reputable therapist and discuss this situation. If it were me and it's not, but if it were, I would be the one filing for divorce and let them enjoy their miserable lives together, they deserve each other and you deserve better. Please do not feel sorry for yourself, your life will get better. Not every man wants a baby so bad, he goes out shopping for a fertile womb, after he's married. You might want to go to www.socyberty.com/letting-go-stop-chasing-ghosts.12384.
This article might give you a better perspective. Please think about all of this and decide what you want to do. Stay in touch, and take care of yourself.
...............................
|
