A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We were together and in love for 5 years and had decided to get married. We arranged everything including the airline tickets for her family to fly in from Brazil. However in the last year of our relationship she gradually became more suspicious of me and actually believed that I was having an affair with my secretary, which i had no intention of doing since I loved her completely and would never want to break or damage the honesty and trust that i thougt was between us. The situation got worse when even the slightest thing would be taken as a sign of my infidelity ( even a scratch on the head from a low door would look like a scratch from a woman's fingernail). In the end she was convinced that this other woman wanted me and visa versa, she told her parents and they believed her and refused to attend the wedding. As you probably guessed soon after she left me. I was completely destroyed emotionally. I am still in love with her and when I have tried to contact her she just gave me verbal abuse over the phone.I am so lost and am looking for real advice.
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affair, infidelity, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (30 July 2007):
 Wow, you got to the heart of the matter - trust and respect. Good for you!
I think you could give great advice on this forum if you chose to. Good luck and take care.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Thanks to all of you for the heart felt advice and it did help to work out the thoughts in my mind a little more. Unfortunately she is too proud a person to accept coming back even if she accepts the fact that I still love her and have never cheated in anyway on her. In regard to my secretary she a good person who is struggling to bring up a son on her own and before this job had to struggle in dead end jobs for a few years, besides she is innocent in all this so why should she have to lose her job and a promising career with a decent salary. I am hurting everyday but a relationship needs to have a strong basis of trust and respect otherwise no matter how many times we tell each other ' I love you ' or how much passion and fun there is it will never last.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (27 July 2007):
Your ex-fiancee is a big girl, and regardless of your efforts she will make her own decisions.
Do you want to be with someone that will assume that every move in your life is a pretext for cheating or engaging in deceit? Do you want your marriage, instead of being built on trust, to be built through a constant battle for the ultimate state of control?
I don't think you can assuage her paranoia. You are a big boy and regardless of her efforts you need to be true to yourself. Things happen for a reason, and in the end you may look back on this "failure" years from now and be thankful that you never lowered yourself to be with her. You probably don't think I'm making sense but that's OK. You're still grieving, and you need time to heal. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (27 July 2007):
 Maybe you should have found another secretary. Then if her suspicions continued to move to someone else, or something else, you'd know that she was just looking for an excuse to call off the wedding because she really had fears about getting married (or tied down) and she was displacing her fears into unrealistic events that weren't occurring. There's not much you can do now, so let her go and move on with your life and learn from this lesson.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 July 2007):
 Oops! Something I missed. Like other posters, maybe you can believe that she has some doubts. We can believe this about HER. But, can we believe HER PARENTS? Where would they get their information from? From her. But, they didn't take it with a grain of salt. Perhaps they were simply told that the marriage was not to be?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (27 July 2007):
To me, she was fine with you for as long as there was no marriage. She doesn't want to marry you, and there's nothing yo can do about this. You should move on.
You know, the scratch thing reminds me of a joke. A woman was always accusing her husband of infidelity: if he had a blond hair on his shoulders, he had been with a blonde; if a red hair, with a redhead; et cetera. And if he didn't have any hair, well, the man had developed a thing for bald women. This is her behavior. I'm not sure if we can talk about her being to "blame", as there is no blame to lay on anyone who doesn't really want to marry you; but, it was she who wanted to break up, and she is displacing the "blame" on you.
I have a hard time believing you'd spend the gross amount of money involved in two plane tickets from Brazil if you were thinking about having affairs with the secretary. But, this is not a matter of reasoning.
I just learned something. Men are always told not to be pushy with women because that makes them feel smothered, and that's right. There's another reason why you should not push: the more you bang your head against a wall, the more you'll end up hurt, right? I understand your devastation. Just try to think of other things and move on.
You deserve better than this pain.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (27 July 2007):
 i think that wat she has done is awful and completely out of line! to be honest maybe this woman was having doubts and convinced herself that you were having an affair to get out of it easy you know? i think that you should call over to her and explain that you would like to talk to her calmly and rationally - its the least you could both do for one another. tell her that you are very hurt that she would even think that you were considering an affair and that you love her completely and want to marry her and be with only her for the rest of your life. i know this is drastic but maybe you could hire another secretary to put her at ease? i think that if you talk to her calmly she will have to understand, you were in love and you wanted to get married and thats not something that you can just throw away - so hopefully she will see this. im sorry for wat has happened between you and i hope you find happiness. email me if you would like to talk about this more xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007): im pretty sure she is waiting for you get her back..and im pretty sure she is still in love with you..she just scared of lose you. maybe the way you talk to your secretary or anything small just make her uncomfortable(you didnt realise it yet)..she may start to doubt. its normal to woman. please take it easy..give her sometime to relax and explain everything and how you feel about this. if this is true love..you will survive.. :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007): How terrible for you, really sorry. Can you let her see this site and your questions with our answers? I have been betrayed in the past very badly and have accused my wonderful partner of awful things on quite a few occasions. It is particularly bad when I am hormonal. She must have issues like this to contend with herself and perhaps you already know something about her which will give you a clue if you think back. Her mental health seems very wobbly and you could have had a hell of a time with jealousy if you had stayed together. Believe me she cold have turned into a controlling and abusive person. To have taken things to this extreme is a very alarming sign, you could have been saved from a very difficult relationship.
The other possibility is that she wanted out and was looking for an excuse that would persuade everyone that she was doing the right thing. Not very nice either.
Try showing her our answers. If she loves you at some stage she will suddenly feel very ashamed, but if she has too much pride she won't ever admit it.
You will be happy one day with a good partner because you are a loving person - that is very special when there are so many shallow idiots out there to contend with. Good luck.
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