A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK I had this friend, a girl, who I was interested in, right. And she probably knew it, I mean how could she not since I went outta my way to help her. Now she would call me for advice, for help when she was in trouble. And I would always help her. I mean, this girl would call me all the time, even early in the morning.Now, the thing is I liked her which is why I did all this. But one day I asked her: So what are we, boyfriend and girlfriend or just friends. I was sure she would answer the first one.But she goes, I like you so very much as a person, you are like a brother to me. But not a boyfriend.It killed me. I mean I know it is her choice. But then if I am just a friend then why did she lean on me so much? Why did she ask for all this help all the time?Now I know yous all gonna say, I shouldnt have done all this for someone if I was gonna expect something in return. Yeah I know. But you know, a guy likes a girl, he does things for her hoping to win her. Its been like that forever. And usually though a girl will get the message and if she is not interested she will say so. But this girl kept me going, asking me for stuff, asking me for help. All. The. Time.My question to you is: Was it wrong for her to take so much from me if she just liked me as a friend? Wouldnt she know I was interested? Can it really be that she didn't know what I was feeling??? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 April 2011):
 I have a slightly different view point but as Cerberus said, I ACTUALLY feel sorry for these girls because they're so useless and need someone along to help them with everything.
Was it wrong for her to take so much from you? Yes. Because no one can give unconditionally. If I always do something for a person, I would obviously expect a return for it, unless of course its for my family /BF/ best friend /a person genuinely in need. I'm not going to keep helping someone all the time without expecting any return. Nobody would. And she should have known that.
YES she knew you were interested. We know if a guy is interested in us just by the way he looks at us. Forget getting him to work for us; just a look or a conversation is enough to determine the interest. She knew it and she saw a willing slave in you.
However, at the end of the day, you cannot blame her. You did all that you wanted to, without anyone pointing a gun to your head. You made yourself available, you gave her the advantage. She just took it. You did it all, while you were in the friend zone, hoping your actions would confirm a spot in the "boyfriend" zone. Learn from this incident. It doesnt happen like that. Take it from me, you're not the only one who "helps" her or "works" for her. Girls like this cut a sorry figure for themselves, are the perennial damsel in distress and enjoy twisting men around their little fingers.
Stop helping her. Stop making yourself available. If you do, dont expect a return.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK i hear what yall are saying. I appreciate all the replies.
Thing is, I find it impossible to believe she did not know I liked her. I mean, for gosh sakes, girls KNOW. Also, I forgot to add, she is extremely attractive, so many guys are always interested in her. Why would I be different??
That's why, @Cereberus, though you gave the longest and most detailed and heartfelt response (and I thank you for it man), I cant agree that she did not KNOW. And in the old days, thats how a man wooed a woman. I mean, I did things for her that her friends wouldnt do. I went outta my way. Either she is an idiot (which shes not, shes highly intelligent) or she was stringing me along by letting me do stuff for her.
But hey, I asked a question and you guys gave me answers, so I am not gonna argue no more. I appreciate yall giving a broken hearted guy some guidance and advice. Peace
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): eddie85 is exactly right. I just want to expand on a few points. Like eddie85 and you, I've been there. It's called "white knight syndrome" I don't know who called it that but it's true. We go to the damsels aid any time she needs us and think our dashing heroics will win her over. As eddie said it's usually a type of girl too, the very weak, vulnerable but pretty kind.
Like me and eddie all of this was your own fault OP, every single detail of it. You may feel hard done by right now but in time you'll look back and think "yeah, I was a bit stupid really"
This whole mess is based on your assumptions OP nothing else.
"And she probably knew it" Or probably not, you don't know you just assumed.
You assumed that being her knight in shining armour, her shoulder to cry on would make her fall in love with you. Wrong again. Women are more likely not to date you for being that, your friendship becomes too valuable for them to risk it on romance. Or as is most likely the case she was never interested in the first place, but even if she was if you don't get on with it and make your intentions clear from the outset you become stuck in friend zone very quickly.
Most women won't risk a friendship with someone they rely on like that unless they're head over heels in love.
"But then if I am just a friend then why did she lean on me so much?" Think about that for one minute. Not only is that something we just do for our friends but if your honest I'll bet you offered that too, possibly even more than she asked. OP if we can't turn to our friends for help then who? And when a girl/guy is as "useless" as she is at life and needs lots of help then we go and help them.
"he does things for her hoping to win her." Yeah and you did the wrong things. You don't do that kind of stuff for a girl without making your intentions clear from the beginning. You don't befriend a girl with the intention of making her fall in love with you by being a great "friend" to her. You see the flaw in that logic yet? You set about being the best friend you possibly could to her and then expect her to see you as a lover? See what I'm getting at?
"And usually though a girl will get the message and if she is not interested she will say so." Um, no, they won't because the message you sent was friendship. She might have had her suspicions but she had no proof and you never made sure she knew that directly, again you just assumed.
"But this girl kept me going, asking me for stuff, asking me for help. All. The. Time." Yup and you only did that stuff because you liked her and wanted to win her over, so it was all conditional on your behalf which means you weren't even her friend at all technically, you were just trying the backdoor sneaky route to her heart. I've been there. I know what it is.
"Was it wrong for her to take so much from me if she just liked me as a friend?" No, it was wrong for you to assume she'd owe you a relationship after all that. Friends help each other that's what they do and it's unconditional, yours wasn't. You even feel hard done by now, I bet you even regret doing all that stuff.
"Wouldnt she know I was interested?" Why would she, when you dangled the carrot of friendship in front of her, what reason did you give her to think you liked her anymore than as a friend?
"Can it really be that she didn't know what I was feeling???" Irrelevant. You're so focused on her but it was you who went about this all wrong, it was you who made the assumptions and it is now you that's pissed because she didn't respond the way you assumed she would.
It's never going to happen with this girl. You have to decide whether you can still be her "friend" without the incentive to do anything for her because you now know nothing will ever happen.
Look man, take this as a lesson learned, it's one most of us guys have to at some stage. Just don't repeat it. Don't ever become friends with a girl you fancy, never. If you do you make your feelings clear from the start, you don't beat around the bush. You keep things on a romantic level and never let it degrade to mere friendship. You pursue and you constantly add a bit more flirting, more physicality and you get straight to the point. You build it from the start and you keep things going, don't become a girls friend unless friendship is the only thing you want.
Don't beat yourself up about this either, some women are just that way. Girls like your one are so fragile and precious that you just can't help but want to drop everything to help them. They just have this allure, a way of making us feel strong and dominant but it's all an illusion these girls just can't help it either. I'm sure if you talked to her your not the first guy this has happened with and you won't be the last. I actually feel sorry fr girls like that because they're essentially just useless at life and need someone to help them in everything.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): I been there buddy. Always there it seems. Never able to get out of the friend zone.There is little point in dwelling. A woman is not an object to be bought or won. Not any more. They either like you romantically or they don't.But she shouldn't have strung you along, especially if she realised you have feelings for her. If she was blind to them (this happens far more often than you might think) then you can't really blame her because when she found out she at least had the backbone to give you a truthful answer and stop you pining for her. There are not many people that would do so. Most would have been happy to keep using you as a shoulder and money service.She had enough respect to give you her answer so you can find another girl to chase.She sounds like a good friend. But, don't expect anything more than that. You don't have a right to expect more than that from anyone unless they give more to you.Flynn 24
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 April 2011):
 I expect that initially you helped this woman in good faith, with no expectation of more in return.
But over time your feelings changed.
You kept helping. Kept being sought out for advice, support, advice, guidance, you name it, you gave you all.
Your feelings and expectations of this relationship changed. She still sought support, you GAVE the support, and and as is her way, she TOOK your support. This woman USED your knowlege, your advice, your Emotional support and kept on TAKING from you, with it being a two way street.
Some people USE and TAKE. But that is all they want. If it was a professional relationship where you provided a service (Doctor - Electrician -Psychologist - Carpenter - Landscaper - Dentist) then she would pay for the service. And that would be fair.
If you were platonic friends then sometimes she would ask and receive advice and support and sometimes you would do the same and receive the same from her.
And if she cared about you as more than a friend she would find more opportunities to touch you, give you long lingering hugs. Steer the conversations towards romantic dinners to be alone together. You would hear and see clear clues that she wanted something more intimate than just a friend, who continually uses you as her surrogate brother or uncle.
Sadly you did misread the signals.
If you have to ask if a woman likes you 'like that' then there is a strong chance she does not.
And this woman has been USING you.
Such women do exist. They consume people, then move on to the next person. To USE them too.
I have worked with a woman who did (still does) do this constantly, all the time. She always had (still has from all i hear) a current arms length crisis that totally consumes her. She is 40 and unmarried. She has regularly had a short term guy in attendance, meeting all her requests for help, advice etc, but seems to freak out at some point when the guy tries to get closer and move it from a advice relationship to more..
These crisis points are all she focuses on the time. She latches on to a guy to pour out her woes, whatever the current crisis, lots of angst delivered with her suggestion that others 'do something about it'. Never her of course.
Eventually the guys realise she has been USING hum.
Then after a while the guy exits her life, never to be seen again.
On the few occasions when anyone suggests she do something to assist/improve the situation one was met with stunned disbelief that anyone would think she would be expected to do anything.
Users are all over the world.
Next time make your the relationship is a two way street.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): One phrase bro: Friend Zone.
Buy her flowers and see her reaction. Show her a HUGE interest and if she reacts like her words state, u know shes interested. Good luck.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (22 April 2011):
 No, I don't think she was in the wrong in to use you as a sounding board for her problems. And yes, she might've assumed that you were just being extra kind. Some girls can be a little dense like that -- after all they aren't mind readers.
She is probably used to guys going out of their way to please her (especially if she is attractive).
I realize you are hurt by her decision not to date you (I've been where you've been, by the way), but at the same time you can only fault yourself. You attached some "unspoken" strings to your relationship and you assumed a bit too much. On the plus side, she did have the guts to give you a straight answer rather than string you along.
Keep in mind, she may have another girlfriend who will be interested in you, so there really isn't anything lost at this point -- and you did help another soul. So hopefully some good karma will be around the corner for you.
Good luck.
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (22 April 2011):
"Was it wrong for her to take so much from me if she just liked me as a friend?"
Of course NOT. Friends are there for helping you when you are in trouble and when you need advice. So she was in her own right when she took what YOU were offering.
"Wouldn't she know I was interested?"
Maybe she suspected it, maybe she didn't. It's obvious you never told her before. So she couldn't be certain. And maybe it never crossed her mind.
"Can it really be that she didn't know what I was feeling?"
Already answered this one.
You know, you start your question writing "OK I had this friend" and then you were waiting her to guess you wanted her as a girlfriend. It's obvious to me you have a very WRONG concept of friendship. And if you have any doubt you don't have the right to complain. Because you were aware this was a friendship, and you want this to turn into boyfriend-girlfriend relationship by asking "what are we?". You are friends, nothing more and there is no reason for thinking it otherwise.
Is there a chance she knew you had feelings for her and then she took advantage, used you (for her own good)?
Yes, of course. But even if that's true you have no right to complain about it. Because you did everything to legitimate her acts. Things would be different if you had started by asking her out instead.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): it really did seem like she was confiding in you as a friend but depends what signals she sent you because she could have been leading you on, but give it a few days she may start to think of you as more than just a friend if not , i know it hurts but if she doesn't feel the same way than you have to move on and it's easier said than done but time will heal this. hope everything works out between you two!
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (22 April 2011):
 i don't necessarily think it was wrong of her at all. she probably assumed you knew the two of you were just friends and therefore, thought nothing of calling and asking you for advice. believe it or not, this is a normal friendship for women. men don't tend to understand this because they only do these types of favors when they like a girl. but women do these types of things for their friends all the time. do i think she maybe used you a bit? it's possible. but in general, i believe she probably just viewed you as a friend and treated you as such.
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