A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am so angry and pissed off; my best friend (who I grow up with) is in an abusive relationship. I knew that her and her boyfriend argued all the time...to the point where the two are always yelling at each other. And there’s the whole jealousy issue too. Her boyfriend has to know where she is, and who she talks to at all times. Just recently I haven't been able to talk with my own best friend at all. Because he doesn't want her to be friends with me anymore. I have seen the bruises on her, and when in another room I have heard them yelling which went to eventually sounding like physical struggling. He is absolutely controlling her life. What’s worse is that her 18month old daughter is in the middle of it. What can I do?.....I'm so mad at the fact that he treats her this way when I thought differently of him, and also mad that she allows herself to be in this situation. I HAVE SO MUCH BUILT ANGER TOWARDS THIS, and yet not sure what is appropriate to do. Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): She is just scared. That is what abusers do. They take away all of your self esteem and make you afraid to leave them. Abusers use lots of guilt and manipulation to make her terrified of leaving. Abusive relationships are toxic. She is not denying all this because she is a bad person. She is denying it because she is scared and he has SO much control over her that she cannot even speak about it to her own friends. If she were to tell you then he would punish her in some way.
Look I am telling you, abusive relationships are SICK. I think your intervention was a fantastic effort but it sounds like you are going to need more help. I think you should let a professional get involved. Maybe a psychotherapist. Maybe call a domestic abuse place and ask for advice and for phone numbers of local therapists who can be of assistance.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk...thanx to everyone. We actually did talk to her about it, intervention style. A bunch of us girls got together and talked to her. She ended up denying the whole situation. She says that it was a one time thing that happened, and at the time she moved out for a week with a family memeber. Her boyfriend ended up apologizing and she says it hasn't happend again since then. However we are all still keeping a close eye on whats true and whats not. So again, thank you for everyones advise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): Praying won't help! How can you just turn away, knowing what you know, now. A Mother and her child is being victimized. All you have to is let someone know what you know. Do it anonymously if you fear reprisal. Alert the grandparents, siblings, any family this friend of yours has, in the effort to protect that little girl. I can't say you will save the Mother. But do not turn away from the child. You friend needs intervention. Call a battered woman's shelter and have them tell you what you can do to help. They have people on staff, expertly trained to help and advice people in distress, like your abused friend. Ther is a risk. You may lose a friend, but at least you made the effort to save her child. And by alerting someone to what is happening in that home, at least that child...stands a chance of living a solid, quality life without fear and anxiety. So many turn away from BS like this in life and the children are the ones who get deeply physically hurt and emotionally scarred for a lifetime. It sounds like you have compassion, you have a heart. Do it. Call someone. Save this little girl.
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A
female
reader, AJ jess ^..^  +, writes (6 January 2008):
 You just have to be there for her she obviously loves him or is being forced to stay in the relationship, now if this is the case then you need to talk it over with a responsible adult who may be able to take it further x
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (6 January 2008):
 There is nothing much a friend can do in such a situation.You can be there for her when she ask for your help or lend her an ear.That is all you can do as a friend. Anything more than that is interfering with their life.Her husband will not like you to interfere with their own private life. You may not like the way she is treated but you are just a friend only.She will have to solve her own problems.You may report the man to the authorities but it could make it even worse for her.The authorities cannot do much about such a situation unless , she reports him for physical abuse.As for emotional abuse, she will have to deal with it herself.Pray for her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): Priority #1. The 18 month old daughter is also being abused. The child's exposure to all this violence is in fact, "emotional abuse'. That child must be saved. Let that be your first thought. Does this friend of your have parents and other family taht can help. Tell them to get involved for the sake of the child.
Someone..anyone...needs to call the child protection authorities if this friend of yours, doesn't protect her child and by providing a more stable, happier home to live in. Ask your friend to also seek family counselling and give her the number of a 'battered women's shelter'. Tell her you are there to support and love through this process. She may take you up on this offer, or she may not. So don't expect much. Keep focusing on the welfare and safety of that child. Abused women are victims and so are their children. Women like your friend become war-embattled, weakened, confused, suffer low self-worth and get very dependent on their abuser. Your friend may be where she wants to be, right now. This is all she has known and sometimes when women are abused, they become lost and they stay with the abuser. Some leave but it can takes years for an abused woman to leave an abuser. But this child is being hurt. Appeal to your friend's sense of committment to her child. Your friend may be angry, she may hate your interference but it might motivate her into becoming strong and healthy for her child. Sometimes being a true, good friend involves saving someone's neck even when they put the noose on themselves.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): The reason your friend stays in this abusive relationship is that he, (and abusers in general), has been destroying her self esteem so much, either insidiously or straightforwardly. Then once she is vulnerable the beating begins. Like without her knowing he tries to make her feel worthless. That is his way of controlling her. And once she feels worthless, she puts up with anything cause she has no self esteem.
I understand you are angry, but you need to help her. If I were you I would talk to an adult, her parents maybe and try to have an intervention. Believe it or not, your support along with the support of others is going to make her feel so good. Cause right now she doesn't feel loved, cause her prick boyfriend puts her down every chance he gets. You need to make her feel loved and show her what else is out there. So do other adults and friends. And don't judge her. Just show her love and support. But do it, have an intervention with her family. Its important.
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